I Am Worried About Myself

[Hanna3]

I lost my dad a little over a month ago. He was a very healthy person with absolutely no medical problems, no medical history issues, nothing. He never got chest pains, he never coughed a lot, he never got sick. He briskly walked a little over two miles 5x a day, and ate healthy. And then one day, he had a cardiac arrest. The medical examiner still doesn't know why the electrical malfunction in his heart happened, but my father died. I'm 22 years old, and his 51st birthday is tomorrow. Up until about a week ago, I was "fine" - sad and crying, but nothing like this.

 

Ever since the month mark, I have been feeling immense sadness and hopelessness. I feel like I have little direction or purpose to my daily life, like I'm waking up to another day of this purposeless life. I don't want to interact with anyone because I am too sad and I don't want to burden people, yet I want to distract myself with people and I want someone to openly sob and talk to. I think about my dad every five minutes. When people - like my supervisor - are talking to me at work and asking me to do things, I feel like just walking away because I don't care about what they're saying and I don't care about being there. I no longer feel like going to class because I've been having these "happy" dreams where my dad somehow comes back and was alive all this time and I'd much rather lie in bed and fall back asleep to those dreams than to go back to reality. My boyfriend, who I want to lean on, cannot be around me every second (nor do I want him to, I try very hard not to burden people) and sometimes I think of breaking up with him because he doesn't fully understand how to comfort me (I don't even understand how to comfort me either), but at the same time I know that's not his fault and I don't want to end up with no one. I feel as though I cannot talk to my brother about the way I feel (who is 18) because we're in the same boat and he is a happy kid, and I don't want to bring him down. And though I know he is upset, I try to put on a happy voice and be strong for him. I feel the same way about my mother, whom I feel I cannot comfort and honestly, I am afraid to know the truthful depths of how she's feeling because not only has she has lost two people - her husband of 24 years and the father of her kids - but unfortunately, the responsibility of everything (closing out cards, informing people, deciding funeral services, etc.) has to fall on her. I cry all the time now, and I feel empty, anxious, sad, and I yearn for my dad every second to the point of asking the air, "Why can't you come back?"

 

I know this was long, but I am very worried about my state right now. I read that this is common and that my "shock" has worn off. I believe this, but I am worried about how long this will last and how bad it will get. I have always been considered a strong person - the person who weathers the storm - but this is a different kind of storm, and I am worried that soon I won't care about anything anymore and that this will get severe. Has anyone felt similarly to this? Did it get any easier?

[Steve s mom]

Maybe try the chat room here you can talk to others

[Blackrock]

Hanna3, sorry for your loss. U're indeed very strong and please continue to be strong for it will get better! At least u realized what's going on and you're willing to talk about it and to let your emotions out. This will certainly help and we're all here to listen and to support u.

but like u said this is a different kind of storm and it happened too sudden that's why u cnt accept it. I understand this feeling since it happened to me a few months ago. I still have dreams about my dad smiling and talking to me but I know that I can never see him again. He also suffered from a sudden heart condition. And I always ask why? Why can't we have more time together. But I think everything happened for a reason and everyone has his own fate or destiny.

Your dad is at peace and he did not suffered anymore. Your bf won't understand since it's not his own dad so don't burden him or ur family. Have a happy relationship will help u overcome grieve, loneliness, job issue or other things. Take care of ppl that r still living by having more family gatherings and happy events.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Hanna3,

 

Let me just say that I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I lost my dad a little over a month ago too. 42 days ago, to be exact. I am just a bit older than you, 25, and I know first hand how difficult this can be trying to cope with this at such a young age when it seems like you had your whole life ahead of you, and you had always envisioned that life with your father right by your side. My dad held my hand throughout the entity of my life and helped me in ways I'll never be able thank him enough for. Now that he's gone, I am struggling both with the loss of my best friend and the person who cared for me the most in this world, and trying to figure things out on my own and become independent for the first time in my life.

 

Sadness and hopelessness has become the norm for me, too. I think about my father every... minute. There's not much I can do to stop those thoughts from forming in my mind. Especially the most devastating ones, his time at the hospital and watching him leave this place. He was my hope, and now I have to just hold on to the hope that I'll be with him again. The feeling like you have lost all purpose in your life is also how I feel too. I figured that my purpose in life was to be my dad's best friend, but now that he is not here anymore, what good am I for? I don't have much purpose left, which is why I have made my way to grieving.com to attempt to bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need is just as much as I do. You are definitely not alone in the way you feel. I've lost much desire to do much of anything.

 

I can also relate to you in the whole burdening aspect. My mom keeps attempting to help me, like drive me places, bring me food, etc. but I too feel like I would be burdening her so I basically told her to stop (in not such a nice way). She is in a lot of chronic pain herself, and can barely walk as it is. With her failing health it feels like I am bringing her even more added pain by having her go out of her way to help me. I want to be able to do this on my own, and using this forum, I have begun to do just that.

 

Not all hope is lost. I wish I knew when it would happen for us, but it will get easier some day. I've read a lot of people's posts on here and I can tell you that it will get easier. It just has to, we cannot go on like this forever. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this week or the next. But one day, we'll be able to actually function in the way we could before this happened and all those dark thoughts will be a distant memory. We'll be able to honor the memory of our fathers by keeping them alive in our hearts and minds.

 

-Kirbiboh

 

P.S. It wasn't too long of a message at all. It was how you were feeling, and I hope you will return to this forum and continue to use it to say exactly how you feel. Many people here have read your post and they understand you, even if they have not posted a reply. Even if it feels like the rest of the world isn't, we are here for you.

[beatingheart23]

I completely understand every thing you said. My dad died one month before his 51st birthday. It was a heart attack. It wasn't completely a shock because he had suffered one almost 4 years earlier....but still. He was healthy. He had been an active runner in the Air Force. He chased his dogs around the back yard. Spent endless hours taking care of his lawn and his home. 

I was 31 at the time my dad died. It was devastating. But since my parents were divorced, all of the responsibility as the oldest in my family fell square on my shoulders. I want to tell you it gets better- and yes,some days, weeks even will be better than others. But losing your dad is a part of who you are now. I'm still trying to figure out what that loss has meant to my life. I have three children and they have helped me immensely, but as far as friends? I have a hard time being around them. I spend a lot of time at home. 

Hang in there. Cry if you want to. Try to deal with the grief, work through it- don't try to block it out. It will get better, but you will never stop missing him.

[kikidee12]

My dad died 10 years ago and it is still hard sometimes.  I do know that it seemed like that first years was the hardest.  My mom passed last month, and now I just want to fast forward a year and maybe the pain want be so bad. As far as helping your mom, the best thing you can do is just be there for her. It seemed to help both my mom and me to talk about him. To remember all the good things.  It also helped that I have to sisters that can share all those memories with me.

[MissuDad]

Hi Hanna3,

 

I´m really sorry for your loss, we all know how hard it is to lose someone you love

 

Unfortunately there´s no timetable for grief/pain and what you´re feeling is normal and part of it. At first we get a blur with small hints of reality thrown in, but as time goes by that reality becomes more present and we feel a mess, barely wanting to do anything and having to force ourselves to do the most elementary things.

 

As time passes, it does get a bit easier to handle, but there are always times (at least for me) when that sadness strikes harder, it´s really like the things we can read online, "a rollercoaster" and "you take one step forward and two back".

 

Go easy on yourself and allow your emotions to be expressed as you feel the need to. They say the pain never really goes away, but you learn to live with it and find new happy moments.

 

Hang in there

[mybrothertookpartofmyheart]

Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry for your loss. My brother died by suicide and 6 months later my dad was working under his van and it fell off the ramps and crushed him to death. This pain you are feeling is normal and I would wish it on anyone.  The grief process is different for everyone and the day will come when you smile about a fond memory and not just cry. I wish I could do something to take away your pain. Peace be with you.