A hierarchy of grief?

[Struggling57]

I lost my Mother on December 3rd 2013: I have attended a few grief support group meetings sponsored by the Hospice of Gaylord Michigan where I live. The first meeting was "ok" and I was ambivalent about returning. Yesterday I went back (about a month later) and had a truly negative experience. First of all, I shared with the group that I had given away a lot of my Mothers clothes to the local Salvation Army; This was a big step for me (my 87 year old Father lives in Florida); She had several bedroom closets filled with clothes from the past 50 years; I spent an afternoon picking out about 20% of that collection, what I felt was the best items to keep forever, and gave away the remaining 80% to charity. Its something I know in my heart my Mother would have wanted me to do. As a little girl, and being an orphan on the streets of Flint Michigan during the Great Depression, it was the Salvation Army that took her in and gave her a warm meal and a roof over her head during one of the Christmas Seasons back then. 

   However I got a little flack from some of the members present, the upshot being that I probably didnt love my Mother all that much since many of them had clung on to their loved ones clothes, all of them, forever. They wouldnt part with anything left over from the deceased. Then one of the older gentleman stated and I paraphrase "Well I think its those who have lost SPOUSES that are suffering the MOST. One can lose a parent but its not as genuine a grief as when you lose a wife or husband". One of the two moderators present at that meeting actually agreed with that statement. I was deeply hurt and felt like I was being punished for doing what I did with only some of my Mothers clothes and for even sharing this fact. Going forward (if I ever attend that particular group again), I will probably not say ANYTHING for fear of having my love for my Mother being questioned in such a manner. 

   Thats the major issue from yesterdays encounter. A realization that while we all share many things in common because of the loss of a loved one, that perhaps the dynamics of loss differ from one category of loss to another. Perhaps those who have lost spouses suffer differently than those who have lost a parent or a child or a friend. Or perhaps I shouldnt take ANYTHING away from that meeting and chalk it up to a bad moderator and a very selfish old man who for some reason just didnt like me. 

  One final thing: I do notice that I am the youngest guy present at almost all of these meetings. The men who are present are anywhere from 10 to 20 years older; Most of the women are as well. Could an age difference cause this type of friction? One would think that the grieving process would be more inclusive than it apparently is in Gaylord Michigan!!

[Jillbus]

Wow, I just had to reply to this.  I cannot stand hearing people say that the loss of a parent is less than the loss of a spouse, or a child, or a sibling etc etc.  Loss is unique to everyone.  Even the  same type of loss is unique.  My Mom (whom I lost Dec 23rd) was my world, my everything, my best friend. She was 79, but a young 79.  I get sick of people saying "Well she lived a good long life."  I want to tell them where to go.  People cannot understand at all the grief of another.  We can all try to relate on this forum and I think for the most part there is no judging like you experienced.

 

Also, in reference to your mother's things.  You did the right thing!  You did what your mom would've wanted you to do with her belongings.  Dont listen to others, listen to your heart and your mom speaking to your heart.

 

Im so sorry for your loss...

 

-Jill

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

One first thing: I want to say I am sorry for your loss, and to welcome you to the forum. I am glad you found this place, it's a great support group in its own way. Maybe even a much better than the one you have described...

 

My Dad was my everything, too. My best friend... basically my only friend. My one companion, my one confidant, my one person I could always rely on, always. He was 62, and a very young 62. I feel like it's an injustice to him for him to be taken this soon. But I am grateful for all he has done for me, and I aspire to be like him one day.

 

Nothing will ever take the memories or love that I feel for my Dad away from me. All the material possessions that you have given away are just that: material. They are objects and what you feel in your heart is what truly matters in this world. Not to mention that you are giving back to the world and making it a better place by helping others. Even when the world all around us feels worse than ever, our parents would want us to do what we can to make a difference with the time we have left.

 

People on here have posted about the loss of their animals, and they're just as devastated as we are with the loss of our parents. Animals are sometimes the one thing left in their lives that they have left, which makes losing them hard. A loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. Pain makes us human and we all feel it at least through our lives. We just didn't know that pain could feel like this until we lose the one person we've always thought would be there.

 

One final thing: I do notice that I am a very young guy (I'm 25) and that makes this kind of loss so much harder for me to bear. I don't have a spouse, nor have I ever felt the need for one because my dad has always been there for me. I don't know what people are talking about when they are saying that losing this person or that person is harder. Every loss is going to be hard for you, regardless of kind of loss it is. I feel like it all stems based on how closely connected you were to the person you lost. Even the most distant of connections are going to feel some sort of pain when they are torn apart. I feel as if there is no middle road in this. It's painful, all around, for everyone.

 

-Kirbiboh

[MissuDad]

Hi Struggling57,

 

I´m really sorry for your loss and that you had to go through a meeting like that

 

I don´t think grief is measurable, I believe that losing a child might be the most devasting of all losses, considering normal circumstances, but the pain of all other losses is related to the relationship you have to something/someone, so it´s really ridiculous someone saying the ones "who lost the spouses are suffering the most". Those words probably came from fear and sadness, at least for that man, regarding the moderator, if he/she agreed, shouldn´t be one.

 

If you felt you needed to give away the clothes, you acted right, it´s your decision, not their´s... If the wanna keep them, let them keep them, just don´t criticize the ones that don´t.

 

Grief has no timeline and everyone acts differently, we go through very similar stages, but also diferente feelings, for instance, I have a hard time falling asleep and have a friend that when she lost her mother, she would sleep perfectly. We all have our own individual way of going through this hard journey.

 

Hang in there

[k.damir]

One first thing: I want to say I am sorry for your loss, and to welcome you to the forum. I am glad you found this place, it's a great support group in its own way. Maybe even a much better than the one you have described...

 

My Dad was my everything, too. My best friend... basically my only friend. My one companion, my one confidant, my one person I could always rely on, always. He was 62, and a very young 62. I feel like it's an injustice to him for him to be taken this soon. But I am grateful for all he has done for me, and I aspire to be like him one day.

 

Nothing will ever take the memories or love that I feel for my Dad away from me. All the material possessions that you have given away are just that: material. They are objects and what you feel in your heart is what truly matters in this world. Not to mention that you are giving back to the world and making it a better place by helping others. Even when the world all around us feels worse than ever, our parents would want us to do what we can to make a difference with the time we have left.

 

People on here have posted about the loss of their animals, and they're just as devastated as we are with the loss of our parents. Animals are sometimes the one thing left in their lives that they have left, which makes losing them hard. A loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. Pain makes us human and we all feel it at least through our lives. We just didn't know that pain could feel like this until we lose the one person we've always thought would be there.

 

One final thing: I do notice that I am a very young guy (I'm 25) and that makes this kind of loss so much harder for me to bear. I don't have a spouse, nor have I ever felt the need for one because my dad has always been there for me. I don't know what people are talking about when they are saying that losing this person or that person is harder. Every loss is going to be hard for you, regardless of kind of loss it is. I feel like it all stems based on how closely connected you were to the person you lost. Even the most distant of connections are going to feel some sort of pain when they are torn apart. I feel as if there is no middle road in this. It's painful, all around, for everyone.

 

-Kirbiboh

 

Dear Kirbiboh, a beautiful post! I have found myself in your writting; if I just replace the word "father" with the word "mother", this would be my life story. (My mom was 62 when she passed away, although I am older then you - I am 36).