Everyone says I'm so strong...

[Sbell76]

I lost my mom, my best friend to lung cancer 3 weeks ago. I was with her as she passed, I promised I'd take care of everyone and it was ok to go. She fought it for 18 months, but she went from ok to gone in less than 2 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, I haven't broken down and cried. I'm just so angry. Not at my mom, at the world. She never smoked in her life, exercised, ate healthy and at 63 lung cancer took her life. I know it can happen to anyone and regardless of the circumstances it's never ok. To add insult to injury that peaceful passing you think your loved one will have didn't happen for us. Even at hospice she was agitated and delusional, moaning. It was horrible. I begged the nurses to stop her agony. I didn't cry at the funeral and now it feels like a wall of anger is holding in my pain. Today I started having anxiety at work, trying not to cry and freak out. I know I have to let the pain out, but it feels like it will swallow me whole. I think of her constantly everyday. I think of something and my first thought is to call her. I feel like she'll walk into the room at any moment. The reality that I can never have those conversations is overwhelming. Intellectually I know so many people are going through this, but I still feel so alone. It's like since we knew she was terminally ill, people think somehow we should have been prepared. Nothing could be further from the truth.

[Jillbus]

Sbell76

I feel for you and am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom Dec 23rd, she was my everything and always will be.  Unlike you I have certainly been able to cry and to just lose it.  You must allow yourself to get it out.  Your mom would want you to be able to move on and be happy.  You wont be able to do that until you let all of those emotions out.  They are unhealthy and will eat at you.

 

Life will never be the same again.  However, our mom's created us, and loved us, and strengthened us and although it may seem we will never be ok, we must find a way, for them.

 

Everyday is hard, but we have to believe it will some how become maybe not easy, but at least less hard.

 

I for one hang on to the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will be with my Mom (and dad who has also passed) again one day and it will be the most beautiful moment when we reunite!

 

I actually am going to a therapist to talk about my grief.  It helps.  I have also found some books that help.  If you want to hear more about it, just message me.

 

Try to hang in there and know that you have done a good thing by coming to these forums.  Everyone here is great, and it helps to know that people here truly do understand what you are feeling and going through.

 

Blessings,

Jill

[MissuDad]

Hi Sbell76,

 

I´m really sorry for your loss and I can relate to the anger/anxiety part of your story, anger is part of it, so is anxiety, but you need to find a comfortable way of letting that sadness out. I also have the same problem, I hold it in until I burst, but it´s not good. I´m still working on how to let all out when needed, my advice is to seat by yourself, listen to a song, write or read something about your mom and let the tears flow, it seems they´ll never stop, but they do.

 

Hang in there

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for all of your losses.  I lost my dear mom in October and still miss her terribly so can relate to those feelings expressed here.  Going through this is such a personal thing and I don't believe that there is a right or wrong way to feel.  The only thing that got me out of the grief, sadness, anger, and every feeling in between, was to find things to be grateful for.  One being that although I felt my mom left us too soon, I am grateful that I was blessed in having her for my mom.  I am grateful for all of the things that she taught me throughout my life.  I am grateful that I got to spend a lot of time with her toward the end.  I am grateful that she is no longer in pain and in a better place now.  The sad truth is that all of us have to go through these losses.  There is no getting around that but I believe that our parents would want us to carry on and navigate our way through these hard times.  That is what they would want for us.  I agree with you Sbell, there is no preparing for this....it is always too soon.  I am now at a point that I want to work on having some of the qualities that my mom had.  Calmness in difficult situations, kindness to others, she always thought things through, didn't complain, and on and on.   I know this won't be easy but I see it as a way of honoring my mom and becoming a better person.  Take care

 

Cindy

[Trish91]

Hi Sbell76,

 

I am really sorry for your loss, and I totally understand what you are going through. I also lost my mom to lung cancer on 17/12/13, just one week before Christmas, and I was in real shock, almost numb for a while, all the time that my mom was in hospital, and even on the day that she died, and I saw her die, gasping for air, in pain because the cancer had gone to the bones, and with breathing difficulties during the last 24 hours of her life.

 

Meanwhile, everybody expected me to be strong, to hold it together, my entire family, and I just couldn't cry in front of anybody. I was extremely angry, and in absolute shock, still am, and cannot cry as often as I'd need to, as I'd like to. It's hard for me to express myself in front of others to be honest.

 

My mom was 67 years 'young', and certainly very young in spirit, very healthy, until the end of last year, when she was diagnosed with an adenocarcinoma of the lung, which by then had metastasized to her hip bone and liver. She passed away only two and half weeks after being diagnosed, and lived the last 3 and almost and a half months thinking that she had herniated discs in the lumbar area of her back, as the inept specialist in orthopedics had misdiagnosed, without investigating much further. I feel so angry at this negligent so called 'professional', and at the fact that my mom never smoked a bloody cigarette in her life. She was very fit, full of life, ate well, exercised regularly, and never did anything to harm herself or others, and yet, she was taken because of lung cancer, of all things.

 

It is really unfair, it sucks, to be honest, it totally does, and it always will, as she was, is and always will be my soul sister and the most important person in the world to me, even though I have a loving husband, a brother, a nephew, my dad, and many aunties, uncles and cousins, who have been good to me and love me. I also have some really good friends, so I should be very grateful. Nonetheless, I cannot understand why my mom had to die of lung cancer? Why her? Why so soon?

 

I know that everybody has to die, and I am a spiritual person who believes in the afterlife and a reunion of souls upon my own death. I also know that my mom is still with me in spirit. However, I need to hear her voice, hug her, call her every day to tell her anything and everything, as I always did. I miss her physical presence so much, I miss her love here on earth so much!!!!

 

Anyway, this site has helped me immensely. There are plenty of good people in here, who truly understand what we are going through.

 

It is normal to have mixed feelings, including anger, and to take time to cry. When that anger subsides, you'll be able to cry a lot. I am truly sorry, I know that you're suffering a lot, as I am and as is everybody on this site, but take your time and be kind and forgiving to yourself, everybody grieves differently. There is no pattern to follow in these cases, sadly. One is full of contradictions, of doubts, anxiety, pain, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, and then suddenly laughter and enjoyment......we're just human.

 

Take care, welcome to this forum, and if you wish to talk, just message me. If you were born in 1976, we are of very similar ages, so our mom's death have hit us at possible similar times in our lives.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Danah]

I get tired of being strong, I miss my husband "my Dave "