one month on and wracked with guilt

[Frenchie's Doris]

My BF and I were living in Philippines.   We lived on an island where the medical facilities are poor.  Not helped by the superstorm in November.   I woke up to find him dying - agonal breaths and then silence and no heart beat.  I tried giving him CPR and it was no good.  He died and all I could do just wasn't enough to keep him with me. 

 

But I couldn't stop and grieve.  Because I had so many things to do to get him back to his family to be buried which took 2 weeks due to the red tape and being stuck on a small island.  I have read on websites not to make many changes.... and I've had to have the biggest upheaveal and changes - a death, a relocation and a change of career.  The shock is still reverberarting through me.  Tears and sadness keep welling up and I keep trying to push it down as I don't want to be overwhelmed by these emotions.  It threatens to tear apart my soul. 

 

It is now just one month since he died, and one of his sisters said "oh ok we've had our lives on hold so let's move on back to normality".  I don't know how they can be so clinical. Maybe it's because he was never around for the past 20 years - living abroad and only occasionally returning home.  

 

I don't know what normal is, but normal before he passed away is never going to be achieved again.  But my pain is real and palpable and every hour of every day, I relive that moment I found him and when I tried to start giving him CPR.  The moment I saw those eyes staring upwards and unseeing.  He was just...... gone. 

 

I don't know how this is going to get better.  And this guilt of surviving and trying and trying to save him and being unable to help, and watching him disappear and fade away.  

 

And now I've had to leave him in his grave and return to my family over 400 miles away - but none of them ever met him, because we lived abroad.  And I feel that by leaving him behind and the fact nobody knew him, he will disappear and fade away, and I can't let that happen. I must keep him alive if only in my heart and I think people will think I'm crazy.... not exactly creating a shrine, but in my heart I guess I am.

 

I have no idea where to go from here.  I can't go back to Philippines - that is now paradise lost. I don't want to be where i am where nobody knows him.  I feel stuck in limbo and I know he'd want me to be happy but I dont know how. I feel guilty and upset he left me alone. He was my rock and now I'm alone to deal with this all and i can't do it.

 

[backyarder1]

Hi Doris. I share many of your same emotions. I found my sweet hubby on the floor, too, and could not revive him. It really does take a lot of effort to quit reliving those images and those thoughts but you really have to try to. I know I just had to force myself to. It has been over 4 months for me and that is one of the thoughts that I am learning to get under control.

So much of grieving is just about thought control. There are so many wonderful people on this website who will be there for you and listen to you and understand what you are going through.

But there are so many things that you can't "fix" and you will drive yourself crazy trying to fix them. Keep the love in your heart. Remember that his death is NOT your fault.