I tried online dating, but with disastrous results.

[fanhit]

Some context: some time after my wife had passed away, there was a fire in my home.  I'm now staying in a hotel until everything gets fixed.  Sometimes I stay at friends' houses.  I'm not currently employed.

 

Being bored in a hotel room, I tried the online dating to see if I can find anyone to hang out with.  Then lo and behold, I find a woman around my age that I'm really interested in with a lot of common interests.

 

After 2 weeks of courtship, and my being forthright about feeling guilty about dating again, we spent a romantic weekend together (so she could help me with the grief as well).  Things got very intense.  I had a feeling of euphoria and being in love.  I expressed these feelings (and she did likewise), but maybe I shouldn't have.  But I did sincerely feel them.  While things moved too fast, it was a mutual thing.

 

Anyway, after the weekend I bawled and cried in private, feeling extreme guilt.  With my home being nearly destroyed and my still grieving, I just felt that I couldn't handle having a girlfriend at the same time during this process where I am resetting my life.  And I thought it wouldn't be fair if I go back and forth feeling as to whether or not I should be dating, so I tried to break off the relationship in the nicest way possible (and allowing her to continue to date online because I'm not in a good place right now), but she lashed out at me in anger and said I was the most horrible and cruel human being imaginable and I was using my grief as an excuse to take advantage of her.  She probably had bad relationships in the past, and she is frustrated with the online dating scene.  I'll take the criticism I suppose, but I'm hardly someone who uses women in a cavalier manner.  I deleted my online dating profile for good.  I don't think I'll try it for a good while.

 

I can't help but feel horrible about what I did.  I'm tempted to call her and apologize, but I don't want to hurt her more.  I've discussed this in private with some friends and they said that I didn't do anything bad--I was longing for human companionship.  I'm back to where I was before, but now I am stuck with a memory of hurting somebody else's feelings and I still have my grief and now feeling that I have betrayed the memory of my wife.

 

I'm going to call counseling services to see if I can get help with sorting out everything going on in my mind.  Perhaps all this recent stress has made me do somewhat questionable decisions like trying dating again.  But, I thought I could handle it.

 

A word of warning to those who want to try the dating thing: it's probably best not to unless you're 100% certain.  And take things REALLY slow.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear fanhit (cool name by the way as it describes my life perfectly at the moment, "it" has hit the fan),

 

You thought you could handle it, and you handled it fairly well in my opinion. I'm not sure what that woman expected from you, as you told her upfront that you were grieving the loss of your wife and feeling guilty because you wanted to date. You gave it a shot, and you made the right decision in cutting it off before things got too out of hand. Had you let it go on any longer, your feelings would very well end up overwhelming you and it would have ended up hurting yourself even more in the long run.

 

My dad passed away in January, and we had lived together for so long, so I too know exactly how it feels to crave a human connection. I know it's not quite the same as losing your wife, but he was my one constant source of happiness, the one person I could turn to always. Now that he's gone, I can't just sit here and be alone in an empty house for the rest of my life. I'm not afraid to admit that. Being lonely is not too fun, especially when you're alone all the time, without fail. I want to date, or at least find someone to talk to. Is that too much to ask? Is that too much for either of us to want? I feel like we deserve that much based on what we've been through.

 

I want to try online dating because I know I stand no chance of actually approaching a woman. I wouldn't quite know what to say, due to my awkward tendencies. I do not feel 100% certain, especially given my confidence level, mixed in with the whole pain and miserability factor. I don't think I would be fun to be around in my current state, but maybe if I made a profile and told just exactly what I have been through, and what to expect from me, a girl may actually want to meet me. She can also be cute, that would be nice.

 

You shouldn't feel horrible for what you did. In fact, you should feel just the opposite. As you said, it was a mutual decision to become romantic. Why should you be at fault, when she is not? You're not the worst human being imaginable ever. She knew what she was getting into, and she lashed out at you because she thought you used her, when you were only wanting that missing link. No one can fault you for that. 

 

You didn't betray your wife, either. What are you supposed to do, never find another companion and live out the rest of your days in sorrow? That's not healthy and that would not be a way to live. Your wife, just like my dad, would want us to find happiness. Never could someone else be a replacement for them, but another form of happiness that can make us have a reason to keep walking this planet. 

 

It's hard to find a friend, fanhit.

 

-Kirbiboh

[backyarder1]

I just signed up on an online dating site. I put right in my profile that I'm a widow and that I am just looking for friends. It will be interesting to see how many men really understand that statement!

[fanhit]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

I shouldn't have done this, but in a moment of self doubt, I did try to send an olive branch towards her by sending a small gift/token since my posting saying that I'm sorry, and that while I'm in no way close to being ready for a relationship, that I would never forget her.  She says that she can't accept the gift because it feels like I'm paying her off--maybe it does seem that way, it's not my intent.  It's simply an act of kindness with no ulterior motive except maybe to say I appreciate everything.  Why would I buy a gift for someone after the fact, if I don't expect anything back in return from them?  She wrote back an email saying that she doesn't hate me, that in fact that she loves me and would take me back and forgive me.  But she reiterates that she feels used because she let her "walls down" to let me into her heart.  Yes, I did express feelings of love, romance and possible plans for the future with her.  It was an intense romantic weekend, but I didn't say these things out of malice to manipulate her.  And it was very special and unique.  But after the proverbial sugar high, it came crashing back down.  I sobbed uncontrollably as I clung to my wife's pijamas that I packed away in my hotel suitcase.

 

One of the problems is that I'm still trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I moved 2000 miles to be with my wife 14 years ago.  And while I made new connections in the place that I live right now, I might decide to sell the place where I live (after it's fixed of course) and go back to live where I came from.

 

She is trying to continue to contact me by texts and such asking if I got her email.  But I'm going to hold fast and wait a day before I respond (since I am no longer officially her boyfriend) and I'll reiterate that I'm now seeking counselling to gauge what I will do with my life.  If she explodes at me again for not accepting us as a couple and attacks my character, then I have to stop communication with her no matter how difficult it is.  She has told me of all the previous bad relationships that she's had, but I'm not responsible for everything bad that's happened to her.

 

I did reach out to try to be with someone who was attractive, witty and quite charming.  I'm guilty of trying to have a strong human connection, perhaps in a moment of weakness.  Another thing is that I'm borderline asperger's (not officially diagnosed, but other people I know say that I display these characteristics), and my marriage to my wife was tenuous at best most likely because of this.  And with the settling of the estate and resolving the issues with the fire in my home, along with the process of selling my home, downgrading all of my possessions, I am simply not strong enough at the moment to have the added stress of having a serious girlfriend where we would be in constant contact and planning events every week.

 

I sometimes find it hard to get out of bed just to shave and shower.  I probably could deal with seeing a not-serious girlfriend occasionally where we hold hands at the movies.  I could probably date a widow so that it comes to no surprise when one of us backs off only to get back together again.  But I'm not going to even deign the possibility of seriously dating again.  This online dating experiment was tried when I was alone in my hotel room, and my friends were slow to respond to my emails and texts.

 

I also have a dog to look after.  Planning events to go out is a bit tricky and I can't stay out for too long.  It was much easier to have pets when I was with my wife--we can tag-team off each other regarding household responsibilities like finances, chores and looking after the pets.

 

I have so many problems going on right now.  March is a special month, and that's when I first met my wife 15 years ago, and it's also the day 13 years ago where I proposed to her.  I simply cannot grieve and have a romantic relationship at the same time.  I need to be making pilgrimages and reminiscing those moments I had with my wife.  It's not fair to anyone that I have a girlfriend where she is in competition with a ghost.

 

To those who are trying online dating, if the other is looking for a lot more, maybe it's best to back off.  And even then, if there is strong attraction, things can get serious very fast where feelings will most likely get hurt by one of the parties involved eventually.

[Ravenstar]

Dear fanhit,

 

The last paragraph in your latest post is great advice. Looks like you got caught up in something that went way too fast, which can happen to anyone, but luckily you saw that in time. I would like to add something I've learned in all sorts of relationships, romantic and otherwise: a good way of finding out about the character of another is doing something they don't like but which you honestly need to do. I don't mean set up a situation to make that happen; but when it does, the result can be enlightening. Then too, some people are too damaged to build a healthy relationship. If they're not actively pursuing their own healing (instead of simply recounting their victim stories, which is another tipoff btw), they are not ready to start over.

 

I think you've done what you could to repair the hurt feelings. I hope you'll be able to let it go - for now, at least. All the best to you...

 

[HeyJude]

Be very careful Betsy!!  I did the same thing and learned all about the Nigerian Romance Scams.  There are thousands of "men" out there who are not who they say they are.  One thing to do from the start is run their picture through Google Image.  If they are an imposter you will find out there.  Also, they write like idiots.  I mean, these guys come on to you saying they are these big high powered business men but then write like they are still in the third grade.  If you ever need any help in checking someone out let me know...I've gotten quite good at it...lol!!  There is also a forum, message me if you'd like the link for it.

[backyarder1]

Well, I was overwhelmed with responses to my match.com profile. I put that I am a widow, that my husband was a wonderful man and that I have no intention of settling for anyone who isn't at least as good as my husband. I also said that I am just looking for friends. Lots of guys responded but didn't say much. A couple responded and said lots of nice things. One wants to meet already and said that he would like to meet someplace that Tom and I liked, because he would like to get to know Tom and my relationship with him. He said that he really respects all of the good things I said about Tom in my profile.

Its all pretty scary and I'm not sure I am ready for any of it yet.

I did get a couple of scary responses and I blocked them right away.

[Caremal]

OK  guys  I did the same   ---- my advice from experience is this.  DO NOT  DO NOT DO NOT indicate you are a widow.  I also got LOTS of people wanting to meet and talk on the phone.  well don't do that unless you are in a public place and  have your phone with you.  DO NOT ever send money I never did was but asked to do so.   How dumb do they think we are!       Now that I said that I did find a friend  on an online site and enjoy his company much.   I wish you well and happy looking and always be safe when you do so.