Members glamourtech Posted March 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 My mom passed away last weekend. I was out of town and didnt come home right away. Now everyone is angry that I didnt show up at moms house. I didn't want to watch my mom die. When she did, I didn't want to come home because then I would have to face the reality of my mom's death. It hit me in uncontrollable waves on the way home. All I wanted to do was get to my kids, who are grown, and who had gathered on their own to grieve and comfort one another. Amvi wrong and selfish for dealing with it in my own way? Only one of my sisters has called me this week and my step dad, who we all love and consider dad wont even speak to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindyjane Posted March 1, 2014 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss and am glad that you found your way here to this supportive site. You are not one bit wrong in going with your feelings. Everyone handles situations differently and you weren't ready to see your mom pass on, you wanted to be with your kids. Hopefully those who are angry will realize that you were exactly where you needed to be at that time. Take care....Cindy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trish91 Posted March 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Dear Glamourtech, Again, I am truly sorry for your loss, and as Cindy said, you should not beat yourself up for not being able to be with your mom in her last moments. I wish I had been able to avoid seeing her in hospital, with pain in her left leg, unable to go to the toilet unassisted, unable to eat, which she used to love (she loved food), unable to read, walk, talk happily, which she also loved, unable to truly laugh and enjoy life. My beautiful, dearly beloved mom, always so healthy and full of life, slipping away little by little, her beutiful soul dying to scape that body that had failed her so miserably, and though very sad to live her kids, in real need to go home to our Lord, her mom and dad and forever peace and happiness like nothing that we have ever known and will ever know. I wish I had never seen her like that, I only want to remember her for who she always was. I saw her die, I saw her take her last breaths and experience real difficulty to breathe during the last 24 to 36 hours of her amazing life, and that is terribly traumatic, so I completely understand why you would have wished to avoid it. I did not stay with my mom every night over the two and half weeks after her diagnosis of metastatic lung cancer, and I did not arrive to the clinic at 7 AM every day, as others in my family did. I feel and have felt terribly guilty about this, but I know that I am human and need to cut myself some slack, as I was in terrible shock and terrified to face that monster called cancer and see my mom, the most important person in my life in that terrible situation. My brother, my only brother, could not be there because he lives overseas, so I was left to deal with everything on my own, with the support of my husband, my dad, and my aunties, cousins and uncles, who were wonderful, but still, purely on my own, as I was the executor of her estate. I have resented my brother for that, and especially because I don't think that he has really appreciated all the work that I had to do and the terrible pain that I was experiencing, that I am experiencing. However, I know that he has suffered in his own right. We are completely different people and express ourselves differently. Anyhow, your family will come round eventually, as Cindy said, everybody grieves differently, and your mom was not alone, she was surrounded by loved ones. You were there in both mind and spirit, and she is with you in spirit right now. She loved you and knew how much you loved and love her, and completely understands why you were unable to see her in her death bed or in a coffin. You will always remember her at her best, and that is your right and there is nothing wrong with it. People will understand in time, they are going through a lot themselves, and the grieving process is really tortuous, difficult and full of unexpected turns. Warm regards, Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members glamourtech Posted March 2, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you both. Yesterday was my mom's memorial. It was nice to see all of the souls she has touched in the 63 years she spent here. It bothered me that my two sisters did not ask me to help plan and when I offered they already had it covered. My sister wrote her obituary and it sounded like it was written by a 10 year old not a 43 year old judge. The service was beautiful with tulips everywhere (my mom was born in Holland). But I feel that the obituary did not do my creative, fun loving mom justice. Had I been asked to write it, I feel it would have been what my mom deserved, not something scribbled down. My mom would have been upset that two of her kids were left out of planning. And for that I hope she haunts the heck out of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members glamourtech Posted March 3, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 I miss my mom so much. We didn't talk every day. We didn't need to. I knew she loved me without having to hear it every day. I called her Queen Mum because her last name actually was Queen. She called me Spruce Goose for as long as I can remember. I was her first, the one who made her a mom. She fought for me...and with me...more than anyone. We were both filled with that German stubbornness inherited from a long line of German women.She took care of my kids when being a single mom of 4 became too much for me to handle. She always told me the truth, even when it hurt. During the memorial, there were slideshows. I could hear people commenting on how much I looked like her. Afterwards some did come up to tell me how much I looked like her. A high compliment since I had always considered my mom the be one of the most beautiful women in the world. She wasn't a supermodel, though she stood 5'10". But you could see her heart in her smile and her soul in her eyes. She loved and was loved. I will miss our Everly Brothers harmonies while preparing food for the holidays, or how we would just break into a spontaneous dance. Shopping trips turned into a comedic adventure. We would laugh so hard! Being her daughter was fun,sometimes. I am the black sheep. The one who doesn't quite fit in with everyone else, and I'm cool with that. I will probably break away and start my own holiday traditions with my own growing family. We had quite some time to get used to the fact that she was dying. But when it did happen, it still hurt so much to lose such an important part of our family. The one who kept us all together. I love and miss you so much my beautiful, sweet Queen Mum. I love you and feel so blessed to have been yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members glamourtech Posted March 24, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 There is still so much ugliness going on. I just don't get it. My mom would not have liked this at all. I am just disgusted with it all. I just can't get my head around the thought that people in your own family can be so heartless and cruel. It has nothing to do with money, it is more or less the fact that now that mom is gone, certain family members treat other family members like garbage. Something my mom did not allow. One of my siblings has a hateful nasty superiority complex. Another one is completely psychotic and no one wants to deal with them. And another family member is pretty much cutting out of their life the people they just don't want. Me, I am dealing with it the best I can. I see little signs everywhere that tell me my mom is with me. I sure could use some of her infinite wisdom right about now. I am just tired of all the meanness. Just trying to get through the loss is bad enough without having to deal with people who think they are the only ones suffering a loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trish91 Posted March 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 Hi Glamourtech, I am really sorry to hear that the issues with your family haven't stopped. I have only got one sibling, but this sibling has behaved appallingly towards me, even though I have been good to that person and that person's family, not just now, but over many years, while this person hasn't really done anything for me. This person has a sense of entitlement that is both unbelievable and outrageous, and has done nothing but the minimum, while leaving me with all the responsibilities. It really makes me angry and disappointed every time that I think of that person, so I completely understand where you are coming from. That person even said that I should get over it and stop mourning my mom every day, that I had always been too close to her and even though I'd moved overseas years ago, I never managed to become fully emotionally independent. How dare this person tell me how to feel! Of course, that person has said so in order to hurt me, and because that person has a lot guilt over their own behavior and the tragedy that we have both just experienced. It is really hard for that person to show their emotions, and they are always pretending that they are super strong and in control, when my mom, dad and the entire family know that it's just an act. Anyhow, I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from, and that I do understand your anger, frustration and disappointment towards your own siblings. I am really glad, however, to hear that you are getting little signs here and there from your mom. May I ask you what sort of signs? I'd really love to know. Take care, and warm regards, Trish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.