Breakthru---self theapy

[cicero]

I'm almost totally free of this thing called grief.  This emotion should not exist, it serves no purpose, I don't think you learn much personally from it, and it sneaks up on and takes the world away from you.  I think it is the "cancer" of emotions, it's nasty and destructive.  I made a breakthrough in the chat session I had yesterday.  I laid it all out, I guess I offended many of those in the room, there were lots of accusations of fraud or whatever, but I can't deal with other people's paranoia's, I was getting to the truth, ...and I found it.  Once I found the "truth" of why I was grieving for the death of an ex- from the past, then I could self-psycho analize why I was having these feelings for her.

 

Although the story, I guess, seems bizarre to other people it was the world I lived in.  It was a world where people gave and took pain to each on almost a daily basis.  In fact when I read people's stories here, no offense, it's like everyone was so pure and heavenly they never argued, never had disputes, everyone was so happy until Mr. or Mrs X died.  Maybe that is true, I'm not going to accuse others of lying as they accused me, but it rings ....untrue.  The only difference with my story was it was uglier, and more crazy than the average I admit that.

 

This was the breakthough I made,.....I was abused by me ex- in those 10 years, that is why it stunned me to read of her death and the effect it had on me.  Now I know it seems hard to believe that a woman 5'8" 110 lbs could abuse a man 6' 175 pounds.  She never attacked me physically, she knew she would lose, but she attacked me emotionally on an almost daily baises.  She was 5 years my senior, and she had her friends, and she always kept me in line.  Someone in the chat room asked me if I was a "pussy', ....maybe, probably.  She had her reasons for keeping me around, I was a known quantity, I was no threat to her, I could be controlled, and I probably threw enough curve balls at her to keep her entertained.  But what she really liked was she knew what buttons to push to give me pain and I think that gave her a high.   So when I look back, she was in total control of me until after some maturing on my part that I knew I would have to get away from her, but alive and not in a coffin.

 

She died, and I think I felt cheated for not being able to meet her as mature adults, without the emotional blackmail and dirty tricks we played on each other in the ugly game of tick for tack.  I felt cheated that we never got to know each other, because everything was distorted by the pain we gave each other.  I really wanted to know the real her, and I never got the chance.  Or....that was the real her,  and she was an abuser....of me, and I am now free.  She abused me, and now she's gone, I guess I'll be condemend to always remember that beautiful tormentor of those years, but what she did was sick, it was ugly, and not to be honored, and by God she isn't going to get this last lick at me, I'm going out in this world and enjoy it.  Her story is done !!

 

 

 

 

[HeyJude]

And that my friend is the difference between a good relationship and a bad one.  Our relationships here ring untrue?  That is because you have not found your soulmate.

[cicero]

You have point there HJ, she was not my soulmate that is for sure.  Happy, endearing, loving relationships never had one, so you got me there.  She was my longest and most toxic relationship so she is what everything is measured against.  You're right, I have no experience with the other side of the coin and can't judge....or relate to for that matter.  But, I hope, I have reached a resolution in this matter of mine.  It turned out more like re-living a crime scene, where I was the victim.  Not that extreme, as I was a willing participant, but the floods of pain that I felt may have been mistaken as grief.  It was just a re-living of all that pain she gave me, and I gave her.  Everyday I would remember another incident, and then another, and another, there were no end to them.  It was like we woke up every morning and if I didn't make her cry, or she didn't try to make me cry (never did btw but she could probably see it my eyes or mannerisms when she was scoring points), it was a boring day.  So was it mild form of PTSD?  Don't know, but the pain was excessive, but it wasn't the pain of her dying, the death notice merely uncorked all the memories and I had to re-live what I thought I had dispached with in the 90's.

 

I'm thinking the pain feels the same as grief, but it wasn't caused by grief.

 

Enough of that, thanks for your patience, and I hope HJ that you can find a way to find some peace yourself.  Many of you have been enduring these feelings for a very long time, and one month for me almost broke me.  But I'm out now, and hopfully you will be too.