Missing my father

[dlionsfan901]

Hello I posted on here awhile ago. My name is Brian and I am 25 years old. My father passed away on September 12, 2013. I ended up continuing my education and getting on with my life immediately. I grieved each day since and still am grieving. But as more time ellapses, I seem to miss him more and more. Last night before I fell asleep, I thought about him and had a few seconds of shortened breathing. I know it's still early and I am supposed to be sad but I just really wish I could hug him and tell him how much I love him again. He was a great man and a great father/husband. He left an enormous hole in our hearts since he was taken away. He died at the age of 56 as a result of cancer. I feel robbed. It feels like just when my life was starting to take off, my father was taken from us. I feel like there will always be this bittersweetness to any success or happiness I attain because he won't be around to witness it. So much unfinished business and his birthday is approaching in 2 weeks which I am dreading. I used to always be the first out of his children to race to him to hug and kiss and tell him happy birthday. This saddeness is an overwhelming grief that I would never wish upon anyone. Thanks for hearing me.

Brian

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Brian,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us and I appreciate it so much. I feel like I can connect with you in more ways than one, through both our ages and our unbridled love for our fathers. My name is Travis and I am also 25 years old. My father passed away January 25th, 2014 of a ruptured brain aneurysm. He was only 62 years old.

 

Robbed is a nice way of putting it. I've used a lot less nice words to describe it, which would probably be bleeped out on this site. It's not fair to us, but mostly it's not fair for our dads to die from something they had no way of stopping from happening. it's definitely not right for us to have to lose our dads this soon. I don't want to go through the rest of my life without my dad. As far as I am concerned, the best part of my life is over. The rest of my life is just in a standstill. Twenty five years could never be enough time. I don't want to do it anymore a lot of the time, but we are forced to keep going in hopes of one day making our dads proud of what we can accomplish. 

 

I know what you mean when you feel unable to breathe when thinking about how much you miss him. You just so badly want him there. You just so badly want to at least say something to him and know that he can hear you. You want so badly to just want him to be able to see what you'll become. I want all of these things for myself, but mostly for him. I look at a picture of my dad on my computer and I reach my arms out to try and hug him. I even touch the screen, wishing I could feel his touch. I miss him so desperately. All of this pain can really be overwhelming at times and it does cause your body to want to shut itself off, if only temporary to somehow numb it.

 

I wish I knew how to make the pain permanently numb, but as they say, time will make it better. I don't know how much time, but only time itself will make this pain dissipate. I want to be able to think about my dad and the good times we shared, not all the pain that goes along with missing him. I hope we can both find a way to do that one day.

 

Kirbiboh

[dlionsfan901]

Dear Brian,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us and I appreciate it so much. I feel like I can connect with you in more ways than one, through both our ages and our unbridled love for our fathers. My name is Travis and I am also 25 years old. My father passed away January 25th, 2014 of a ruptured brain aneurysm. He was only 62 years old.

 

Robbed is a nice way of putting it. I've used a lot less nice words to describe it, which would probably be bleeped out on this site. It's not fair to us, but mostly it's not fair for our dads to die from something they had no way of stopping from happening. it's definitely not right for us to have to lose our dads this soon. I don't want to go through the rest of my life without my dad. As far as I am concerned, the best part of my life is over. The rest of my life is just in a standstill. Twenty five years could never be enough time. I don't want to do it anymore a lot of the time, but we are forced to keep going in hopes of one day making our dads proud of what we can accomplish. 

 

I know what you mean when you feel unable to breathe when thinking about how much you miss him. You just so badly want him there. You just so badly want to at least say something to him and know that he can hear you. You want so badly to just want him to be able to see what you'll become. I want all of these things for myself, but mostly for him. I look at a picture of my dad on my computer and I reach my arms out to try and hug him. I even touch the screen, wishing I could feel his touch. I miss him so desperately. All of this pain can really be overwhelming at times and it does cause your body to want to shut itself off, if only temporary to somehow numb it.

 

I wish I knew how to make the pain permanently numb, but as they say, time will make it better. I don't know how much time, but only time itself will make this pain dissipate. I want to be able to think about my dad and the good times we shared, not all the pain that goes along with missing him. I hope we can both find a way to do that one day.

 

Kirbiboh

Kirbiboh, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I feel like we definitely can relate. You're right with time hopefully the pain can lessen. I am of Catholic religion and I will definitely pray for both of us today. I bet our fathers are looking down proud of both us. Maybe one day we'll have kids that will look up to us and love us the way we loved our fathers. One thing that does help my state of mind is telling myself that this is a temporary separation and one day we'll hopefully extend to the afterlife where we never have to say goodbye again. I am going to try to think of the happy times and not think about the times he was struggling in pain and suffering. Being of the same age as me, I bet that you can vouch for me when I say this type of experience makes you grow older quicker. I feel 35 not 25. Try to carry on with your everyday life and make goals for yourself. I do that and try to attain them so I can have the feeling that my father would be proud. The truth is they wouldn't want us to feel miserable or depressed. It's a lot easier said then done though. For me I just feel like losing someone that was a father/best friend/hero is one of the worst possible experiences life can throw at you. Once we overcome this or just learn to live it then I think we can overcome anything. God bless you and I wish you and I healing and happiness.

Brian

[ForeverRemembered]

Hi Brian,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.  I lost my mom on September 11, 2012.  My mom's Birthday is in December.  I know how you are feeling with your dad's birthday coming up.  I remember going through Thanksgiving and Christmas after my mom past away and I just felt like my body was there but my heart and head just were somewhere else.  I can't tell you what you will feel, but I can tell you my experience.  The days leading up to the holidays or my mom's birthday seemed to be more difficult than the holiday or birthday itself.  I too had the small panic attacks.  They would always happen when I went to lay down and go to sleep.  My mind started to think of my mom and I would relive the moments of her death over and over again.  My mom was in respiratory failure when she died and it was very difficult to watch her suffer the way she did before she went unconscious.  Every night I would get out of bed and I would go have a good cry and then (if I was lucky) I would be able to go back to sleep.  I went to a therapist to help me through it.  I mainly talked while he listened, but in some strange way it really helped me. I think when he actually talked, it made a lot of sense to me.   He told me, "your brain can take up to a year to process the death of someone close".  When my brain would start to "process"and start to relieve everything....I would tell myself that I would just process it all later.  I know it sounds so stupid, but for me...it really worked.  I would be able to continue what I was doing during the day and at night I would be able to fall asleep.  Not always, but sometimes it worked.  I was still numb and walked around as if my head wasn't attached to my body.  I often felt like I was forever changed.  I thought that I would never be the person that I once was. The therapist also told me to give it a year and to understand that within that year, you will be slowly (very slowly) start to heal.  You will feel as if you finally took a step forward and then two seconds later feel that you just took three emotional steps backwards.  I can honestly tell you that EVERYONE told me that after the first anniversary of my mom's death, that I would start to feel better.  I just didn't feel that it would ever happen.  I thought it was just something that people said.  I really thought that I would never see the old "me" again.  I had forever been changed.  I was wrong.  The WEEKS leading up to the anniversary of my mom's death were the worst.  I felt as if I took this huge step backwards and not forwards.  The day after the anniversary....I did feel better!  It is weird and I can't explain it, but I do feel better.  I will admit that I finally took the bullet and started some antidepressants around the same time.  One day I heard myself laugh.  Seriously...it was a really shocking sound.  It wasn't a fake giggle that I had been dishing out for the past year.  It was a big belly laugh!  It was a sound that I had not heard in a long time.  I couldn't write a post like this before without crying.  I can now write it all out and I am fine. 

 

Brian, just give yourself time.  It will get better.  You won't feel like this forever.  This site has really helped me a lot.  If you keep coming here from time to time, you will start to see someone else who is struggling with their loss.  You will think to yourself...."I remember that pain" and that is when you will know that you are getting better.  When that day comes Brian (and it will) help someone else get through the pain and tell them your experience like I am telling you today.  It isn't just something nice....It is all about healing.  You will begin to realize how far you have come.  You will realize that you are getting better.  I am not on this site a lot anymore, but I get the emails of the posts that are in the loss of a parent.  Sometimes I read one that I have to instantly respond too (like this one).  Because I know that pain.  I have felt that pain and I am so sorry you are having to go through it.  It will never completely go away, but it is a lot longer in between these moments. 

 

I can honestly say that I am close to being the person I was before my mom past away.  I won't ever be complete because there will always be a part of me that is forever gone.  I still miss her...A LOT.  I still would do anything to have her here so I could tell her how much I love her and to hug her.  I miss the way she always gently grabbed my face and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  However, I am able to miss her without feeling as if I am walking around in this fog.  I always look for signs from her.  I tell her that I am feeling really down and I miss her so much.  I ask her to please send me a sign so that I know she is thinking of me.  You will be surprised at what you may find. 

 

Take Care Brian.  Check in here and let us know how you are doing.  No one knows you here.  We are not here to judge anyone.  We have all felt your pain and we know what you are feeling.  You can come here anytime and tell us how you are feeling. 

 

HUGS HUGS HUGS to you!

 

Anita