Need some help

[frankly]

I need some help over the next week.  I'm not even sure what I need or what I'm asking for.  I started going down hill about 3 days before Valentines Day.  I've been trying to just breathe and get through each day.  But the panic attacks keep coming in waves.  I'm going to grief counseling and I have xanax.  I can't take anti-depressants.  I'm one of those people that anti-depressants have the opposite effect on.

 

Jerry's Birthday is Feb. 29th and our anniversary is March 5.  Every day closer to those two events seems to bring me closer to the brink.  My chest hurts constantly.  My heart races and I feel like I can't breathe.  I'm smack in the middle of a MS relapse brought on by the stress.  It takes all the energy that I can muster up, just to take care of my puppies.

 

I have withdrawn from everything.  When I get on the chat, I want to talk, but I clam up and just start crying instead.  I do the same thing when my sister calls.  As soon as I try to talk, I fall apart.  Even the grief sessions, talking just makes it all so real, so unbearable.  

 

I do not believe in religion.  Sometimes I wish I did so that I would at least have that comfort.  I want to believe that there is some sort of after life, that I will see Jerry again some day but I'm having a hard time even holding onto that.

 

I am here alone.  My only support system is a sister that stops in once a week.  She will be leaving Fl. soon to go back to TN.  My other sister lives withing a half hour of me but she is dying with COPD.  I can't even make myself go be with her.  I can't face what is left of my wonderful sister from happier times.  I feel so much guilt for not being there for her.  Every time I plan to go see her, when the time comes, I fall apart and don't go.

 

It's hard not to just give up.  It gets harder every day closer to his birthday and our anniversary.

 

I don't drink, so I can't even escape that way.  I feel like a wild trapped animal.  No way out.

 

I've cried so much that I'm having to force myself to drink water to fight dehydration.

 

Every day closer seems to just be building and building up inside of me.  I can't seem to find a pressure relief valve.

 

Like I said, I don't even know what I'm asking for here.  There really isn't anything anyone can say or do.  I'm just hanging on.  If I can make it through this next week, then Easter is the only other holiday that meant anything to us.  It is my crest in this thing called grief.  If I can get through this period of time, I think I'll be alright.  I'll be able to breathe again.  I'm just trying to find a way through it.

[MissingDaniel]

Frankly, I'm in Central Florida.  Don't know how close I am to you, but I work in Winter Park.  If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know or message me.  I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time.  I know how much effect certain dates can have on your mood and emotions.  Hugs to you!

[HeyJude]

Frankly, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this.  July 12th was my anniversary and July 31st was my Jerry's b'day.  I know the anticipation that builds as we get close to those special dates. It is very hard and I had a lot of anxiety myself but not as bad as you are having.  I just want to say that when the date did roll around it wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The anticipation was the worst.  Hope that helps in some way.

[lost&alone]

Frankly,

I wish I could help you but I don't know how.  If you think it would help to talk to someone that is going thru some similar emotions message me and maybe we could exchange phone numbers.  Try to hang in there and think about what Jerry would want you to do.  I don't know what that is but I am sure you do.  Good luck.

[frankly]

Thank you missing Daniel.  I think I just need to know that someone in this world cares.  That they understand.  Jerry showered me with so much love and understanding.  I never realized that I had isolated myself from everyone except him.  My parents are both gone, my brother is gone.  My kids don't have a clue what I'm going through.  They don't understand and don't seem to really care.  Then again, they may be doing the very thing I am with my sister, they just can't face seeing me like this.

 

I'm trying.  I'm really trying to pull myself out of this.  

 

I know that what I really crave is his hand.  That big strong hand reaching out to hold mine, telling me that we can do this, together.  I sit and even try to visualize that.  It just isn't working right now.

[frankly]

It's that time thing Jude.  It has slowed to a crawl when I want it to speed up and just get it over with.  I didn't think Valentines Day would hit me like it did.  That was a horrible horrible day.  I don't know why either.  Jerry and I both thought Valentines Day was so commercialized, we would not buy each other things, we would just spend our time together, we didn't need a special day for it.  So what are the days that do mean something going to be like?

 

Lost and alone, thank you.  I'm afraid all you would hear on the other end would be sobs and constant blowing of the nose.  (-:

 

 

[backyarder1]

Hi Frankly. The thing that helps me through my roughest times is having people to call. If people on this site have offered you their phone numbers, don't be reluctant to accept them. I have a whole list of people, most of them other widows, who have told me I can call when I need to and I do it!! And don't be afraid to cry over the phone. I do it all the time and allow others to do it when they need it, too.

Please hang in there. We all have rough days and will continue to do so for a long time. Reach out to the people who are willing to help. Sometimes I even reach out to people who haven't offered to help and they end up listening, too.