He's Gone - My Best Friend, My Husband

[Robin]

I'm not really sure how to even begin. I lost my best friend, my husband, on February 11th of this year. We did everything together. But, this final journey he took I could not go with him even though my heart wanted too and still does.

 

I have always hated the word "soul mates" because people seem to use it so loosely. But, if there is truly such a thing he was mine. He gave me the best years of my life. When we met he told me if I gave him my heart he would never break it. He kept his promise. He made me feel like a princess who found her knight. He made me laugh when no one else could, he encouraged me and believed in me when I did not believe in myself. He was my whole life. There is such a void in my heart and soul, I am lost.

 

I have all these people telling me everything will be okay; but, how can it be? It never will be! I cannot imagine life without him. The pain is more than I have ever experienced and I do not know how to stop it. I know everyone means well but I am tired of being told by different people "They understand" .... there is no way they can understand unless they have experienced this. 

 

Our children give me all these reasons why I have to continue, why I have to keep living. I know they are right. But, I cannot imagine life continuing without my best friend, my husband.

[frankly]

My heart breaks for you.  I know that pain.  The panic setting in wondering how is it possible to even think about the future without them, let alone having to face it.  I'm not sure myself yet if it will be okay, so I'm not going to say that.  What I do know is that there will be days that the most you will be able to do is to just breathe.  You are at the raw beginning of this journey through grief.  The people here do understand.  It is horrible and nothing will ever be the same.  Sometimes I feel like the person I was, died with my Jerry.  The person left behind is someone I don't even know.  I'm having to define myself all over and just like you, I'm lost and don't even know where to start.  

 

Hugs to You!

[HeyJude]

Oh boy, do I ever understand.  And Frankly, you hit the nail on the head yet again.  We have to redefine ourselves, figure out who we are without our loves.  At 57 I don't want to have to redefine myself damnit!!  I get so angry sometimes that this happened to me. It is like life's most cruel joke and believe me, I ain't laughing!!

 

At 22, when I met my husband, I was a hot mess.  Terrible.  I didn't know who I was.  He made me into the person I am today and now he's gone and I have to figure out who this "single" version is or is suppose to be.  I don't want to.  I feel like I am going to live in this hell hole I'm in for the rest of my life.

 

At least we all have each other.  Welcome to our horrible club RobinKay.  None of us want to be here, yet here we are.  I swear, I envision all of us, arms interlocked and trying to find our way through a completely dark maze.

[MissingDaniel]

God bless you, RobinKay!!  Every time I see someone new posting about their loss, I am brought back to those early days when I first experienced this loss.  Nothing anyone can say or do will make it easier, but I believe you will get through it.  I also know that when people tried to tell me that those first months, I thought they were crazy.  I am so very sorry for your loss, and I wish for you as much peace as you can find in these very difficult days.  Yes Frankly and Judy, I do believe we all have become very different people in trying to continue this journey as one.  There is a song by Alannis Morisette - "Not As We" - and it really expresses that idea well.  But I believe we are enhanced and improved versions of who we may have been before we met our husbands/best friends, and who we are now is a product of their love and companionship, so that we continue to carry them along with us as this person that we have become through our time with them.

 

Hugs to you, RobinKay!

[Austykatie]

So sorry to hear about your loss. I know I probably cant tell you anything that will make you feel better but I can say we are all here to listen! HUGS

 

[Jcbury]

My husband and best friend passed away from a severe allergic relation to peanuts on 2/15/14. I cannot believe he is gone from me forever. I am lost, in shock in a fog afraid and lonely despite all the friends and family surrounding me. There were 500 people at his funeral he was such a wonderful human being. We have been married 27 years and he was 58. I am beyond sad. I tried to save him with epipen and CPR, and am haunted every day with the memory of that horror scene.and then the news from the doctor that he was dead. I don't know how I will ever heal ever ever ever

[Brenjan]

My husband passed away on January 9 from pulmonary hypertension. He never smoked in his life and no one has ever been able to tell me why he got so bad. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God that we told each other that every day. I still don't know how to go on without him. I have friends but have lost all of my immediate family. There are days when I wish I could join them all, but know my journey must not be over. my sympathies to all that have to deal with this pain.

[winnpeg]

My dearest husband passed away in his sleep December 28 1013,

I woke to find him gone, I could not believe it he could not be not at 52.

I sat with a firemen who held my hand until the EMT's arrived and then I heard that word for the first time "Were's the widow" I was a window.

How could I not know he was in distress laying next to him all that time. He looked like he was having a good snore like he always dose but he was cold and gone.

My best friend arrived and held me and all I kept saying was "I don't know what to do"??? over and over again.

Then two of my four children arrived they just feel apart like little children,
That night we had nine of our closest friends over that night for a games night and all we ended up doing was sharing our story's of that Christmas. I it was such a warm gathering filled with love. I had been cooking all afternoon so my sweetheart told me he take every thing out of the over for me, as he did he also stood behind my chair and I noticed he was stroking the side of my cheek with the back of his knuckles I kept looking up at him and he was smiling down at me. Our friends told me they noticed it too, they said he was also stroking my hair and looking at me like a young man in love. They said his eyes sparkled like I was the only one in the room. They said now they know he was saying good by to me. My army guy had a hart of gold, he married a single mother with four out of control children who so needed him. I worked as a cook for the military and I would see him in the mess hall every day and his friends said "don't bother you wont get anywhere with her she's Mormon" He liked that he said I had standards, he waited all his life for someone who had standers. That was October we finally really meet in December because he worked shift work and I worked three jobs. Most of our courtship was over the phone for hours we would talk. He know every thing there was for him to know about me. We know each other better then some couples ever will. By Christmas we were engaged and Married by the end of February. 22 years, and four postings across Canada. I know he had been a good father to my children he saw them as his as and none better say other wise when you ask my children. 
But I did not know how deeply they felt about him until my daughter said the family prayer when we closed his casket before going into the chapel, She Thanked Heavenly Father for sending them a dad when they need one so badly"
It was a military service and I was give his flag, It had been flown over Afghanistan. I know some day I wood stand there being handed a fag, It was his 2 best friends who took care of every thing military one leaned close when he placed the flag in my hands and said "Treasure this always" They stood back and saluted me. It was all I could do to hold myself from my knee's giving way under me.
After it was all done and after a few days everyone went home the house was so quite our dogs still stand by the door waiting for him to come home.

I retired after our last posting so I wonder around here wondering what is next in my life.

 

His family have stopped calling me, I think they think I'm hiding something but I'm not, I don't know what happened none can tell me, their doing more tests but still no answers. I am told they may never know.

 

Then the vultures came,The sheriff  came with in three weeks after I called to tell them and asked if our car was covered and they took it because it was a lease and in his name.

None would talk to me about the bills because my name was not on them. Even the car insurance would not cancel the insurance even after after I told them the sheriff took it, They were still going to take payments out of the bank account. Talk about thieves. I had to put a stop payment on it and get car and house insurance at a new place, Then any insured debts we had I had to dance and become joined at the hip to the fax at Staples.

I had to prove my best friend did not kill himself with a letter from the family doctor that took care of all of them but the bank now their saying my husband fudged on the health questions when we built our house. They want his medical records back to 2004 the VA said no way they were not  getting them. My husband had a high security clearance he even had to get permission to marry me and I already jumped through those hoops but they wanted more. in the mean time I still have to make the house payments.
The nightmare never ends. like some of you I wonder what I did do to deserve this.

IT GETS Better I feel down the stars three weeks ago and will be in a wheelchair until late spring when I heal enough to put any wait on my leg.
 I did how ever join a grief support group in town that helped until I fell and there is only two more meetings then its done. They don't want you to be come dependent on a group, it is suppose to help you move on.

I don't want to move on I want Ed back here with me. We had so many planes, places to go and things to do. We have six grandchildren they miss there Papa.

There were all these odd things he did in the months leading up to his death, He bought a 2nd freezer filled it and went to case lot sales and filled our storage room with food laundry soup toilet paper, He bought a big shinny red SUV one he always wanted, that still scares me to drive it he paid in cash, he finally got around to fixing all those things you have to bug a man to do around the house.

He spoiled me at Christmas but so did I him. Buying in bulk is not new or us but this. I wont have to buy anything for months but for fresh things. He bought me a stress ball???   
He was not ill, he use to run every morning he just had his yearly exam and passed with flying colors. How can a man live through three wars zones only to die in his sleep.
Every one at church feels so sorry for me and to sleep next to him all that time and not know he might have need me.I feel so guilty that some how I failed him. my doctor tells me I have to stop think that way it just happens and none knows why.
Is it to much to know why? I know his death certificate will come in the mail with the final answer so I'm scared of the mail. I want to know but part of me dose not.
Sorry I babbled on so. Bless you all

[winnpeg]

Ed was everything to me, and I know when people say such things is because they don't know what to say, I went to a grief soup group, It was six weeks and It made a difference on how I coupe those first days. I was in a room with four other people that had lost their spouses and a welfare worker who deals with grief. I could say things and they know exactly what I was saying. I had answers for what I was going through, Lose of memory was a real concern for me I thought I was losing my mind but I wasn't. I couldn't remember names even family.I walked around for day before the funeral and I was wearing one of mine shoes and one of his. We talked about the things you could not talk to others about because their not going through it in the NOW. I have friends at church that have lost their spouse but that was from old age and they know it was coming. I know their trying and I try to remember that because  their so dear. Find a group it is much like this but face to face. 

Big Hugs   

[HeyJude]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband Winnpeg.  It is extremely difficult isn't it?  No one can even begin to understand this unless they have lost their love unexpectedly and/or premature.  This forum is the extent of my support.  It has helped a lot.  One of the guys that I work with just lost his wife in a house fire.  I may tell him about this forum.  I'm not sure if it is appropriate to offer my ear or not.  I just know I feel so bad for him.  He lost his house, dog and wife.

[Brenjan]

Winnepeg, It really does help to have the support on this website. I am sorry for all that you have been through. It us so difficult to lose the love of your life, but to have issues after when you are trying to cope must be even harder. I have thought of going to a grief support group, but wasn't sure if I was up to it yet. I am glad to hear that it did work for you, Hang in there and know you are in my prayers.