Lost my dad

[Billsgirls]

Hi all,

Firstly sorry for all of your losses.

My dad sadly passed away on Monday. I'm totally devastated. He was 57. He has suffered so much these past years with various ill health but more recently ( last 3 years) he had kidney failure and had to put up with dialysis 3 times a week which he hated. He had just finally accepted my offer too donate a kidney after me trying for the last few years to persuade him. My first appointment was supposed to be last Friday. I'd didn't go as he was already in intensive care with multi organ failure due to septicemia.

I'm struggling so much with this we were so close. He was my best friend and we spoke every day for at least an hour. He sacrificed so much for my sister and I. He gave up his job when we were small and became a stay at home dad. He got lots of patronising comments from the other schools mums and felt quite lonely but truth be told he was probably doing a better job than they were anyway!

I have written a poem and wanted it read out at the funeral service I asked. The celebrant if he would and he suggested that I should as it would sound better coming from me but I'm going to. Find that so hard. Would you mind if I shared it with you ?

Christie x

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Billsgirls,

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly where you are coming from because my dad too died less than a month ago. He had been smoking his entire life and had recently developed a lot of breathing problems as a result, which I thought would be the reason I'd lose him one day. Little did either of us know, he was carrying around a deadly brain aneurysm, most likely from birth, which cost him his life. He was 62. It happened so suddenly, and needless to say I'm just as crushed over it as you are.

 

He was my best friend just like you and your dad. We actually lived together, we were always together. He went out of his way each and every day of my life to put my needs above his own. He moved from house to house to put me through school. I never got to thank him for all he has done for me and now I am finding it rather difficult to find ways to give back to the greatest man I've ever known.

 

I would like to hear the poem you have written for your dad. I think it would be a wonderful way to honor him at his funeral, because your own words will be a lot better and so much more heartfelt than anything other people have written.

 

Travis x

[Billsgirls]

Travis, thank you for replying and I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. He sounds like he was a lovely man and obviously loved you very much.

I know what you mean about never being able to thank him for all he has done. I feel the same I have told him before but it doesn't feel like I said enough-like I conveyed it to him properly? He was in a coma for a week before we had to withdraw life support I whispered in his ear everyday thanking him and it still doesn't feel enough.

It must be very difficult to go home and him not be there Travis ,I really feel for you. I went to dad's house yesterday and everything was just there. His glass he had been drinking out of, his glasses,his cushions on his chair even his tobacco and the ashtray. It smelt of him and I wanted him to walk down the hall so much.

It's his birthday on Tuesday and I'm going to the solicitors I had planned to take him out for dinner. I loved/ love him so much and miss him. The best dad it could ever have dreamed of having.

I'll try and attach my poem.

Our Dad

You held my hand in a special way, talked of fairies and elves

That were far far away

Cleaned my teeth and brushed my hair

Taught me life wasn't always fair.

Steadied me on two wheels and roller skates

Wiped my tears from first heart breaks.

You stayed up late to see us in from nights out on the town

You wouldn't sleep until we were home safe and sound.

Our relationship grew as the years went past

As I grew from girl to woman you said it had gone too fast.

I wasn't lost to you

And deep down I know you knew.

We'd stay up late talking into the night

We would debate and laugh and put the world right.

We'd go to the pub sing old songs out loud

I would sit next to you and I was so proud.

Then came the flying of the nest that put

Our bond to the test

The love and sacrifices you made for us from the moment of our birth

Meant that it wouldn't be broken not on this earth.

And we will carry on

We'll take what you taught us

And we will be strong

Your in us and your grandchildren I can see you in us all

So we will stand up for you proud and tall.

Dad, Daddy and Grandad I know it wasn't always plain sailing

But you being so loving and strong there was no chance of failing.

You are all of those words above

And most of all you taught us all, your legacy what it means to love.

Stay strong, Christie x

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Christie,

 

That truly is a beautiful poem. Your dad will be very proud of you for writing such a moving piece. I can relate to it so well. I grew up with my dad right there with me too.

 

It is very difficult, this house does not feel like a home anymore without him. I really feel so out of place here. All of his things are here, his chair is here. I half expect to look over and see him sitting there like he always would be, but he isn't. It's painful. Everything I see reminds me of him, both in the good and the bad ways.

 

My dad was also in a coma himself for three days until I had to let him go. I am not sure if he even heard me, but I'd like to think he did. During that time, I tried my best to come up with the words to express my gratitude for everything he's done for me. But, as you say, they are only words. Our actions from now onward will decide if we have done enough to come close to ever being as great of a person our fathers are. I really hope we can, some day.

 

I miss my dad terribly, more with each day that passes. I know they say "time heals all wounds" but this is a wound that can never completely heal. It will scar us but I know our dads are out there somewhere continuing to help us and guiding us through all of this mist towards our next goal in life, whatever that may be.

 

And as for the word "loved", your love for him will keep going long after he is gone. His love for you will always do the same. Your relationship won't end just because he is no longer here with us. Love can never die. I know that much and I believe it with all my heart.

 

Hold on to that love.

 

Travis x

[Billsgirls]

Dear Travis,

Thank you for your words. I don't know how I'll find the strength to read the poem but I will try.

I hope he heard what I said to him in that last week but I kind of hope he didn't know as well he would have hated me and my sister by his bedside crying he wouldn't have wanted us to worry. It was the hardest thing I have ever done watch him go. He just changed and it literally broke my heart. He hadn't been well d had been in pain but I wanted him to come back so much. I squeezed his hand so hard trying to make him squeeze back. Those hands held mine when I was small so tightly to stop me from running into the road.

I'll do my best to make him proud. I'm just struggling with it all so much. I'm going to do my best with the funeral arrangements and give him the wake he would have wanted. He was life and soul of party's and I know he would want everyone to have a drink and laugh after the service so I'll try and do that.

You sound so strong. Everyone thinks that I'm strong but right now I'm just not. I keep talking to him and it makes me cross that he doesn't talk back.

Xx

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Christie,

 

My dad was the same way. He had a lot of health issues that I never even knew about until after he passed. It turns out that he had a mass growing in his lung which they found at the hospital, which was most certainly cancer. I don't think even he knew about it, but even if he did, he would never had wanted me to worry about him. Dads are like that, I guess. They want to protect us no matter how old we get.

 

I am not strong at all. At least I don't feel that way. I break down and cry every single day from how much I miss my dad. It's been a month for me, and yet the pain keeps going without an end in sight. I want it to end, I want to be able to laugh again. But I don't want to laugh and have my dad miss out on that laughter. It's a weird mixture of feelings.

 

I also talk to my dad and even though he doesn't answer me yet, I want to keep thinking he is listening. It's a small comfort just to imagine that our dads are listening even if they can't respond. They will find a way soon.... we have to keep the hope alive!

 

All I can say is to do your best with everything, and take your time when you need to. This is a lot to deal with, and may most likely be the lowest point of your life. Be easy on yourself and take care of yourself. Don't rush into anything.

 

Travis x

[Billsgirls]

Dear Travis,

Did your dad go peacefully? I know that had dad recovered he would have taken months and months and he wouldn't have wanted any of it. He didn't want any more pain but I also know that if he could have he would have cone back for us his girls.

Your dad wouldn't gave wanted to wake up to that news. It sounds as though he put everything into you. Look at you now even in your darkest times your finding it within yourself to provide comfort to someone you have never met thousands of miles away on the internet. That is testament to the the man he was and the man that you clearly are.

We were lucky to have such inspirational men as fathers to us. It takes a special person to have that effect on someone. Dad loved his family and he always drummed into me that family was the most important thing in the world. He was right. He's looking at me now and he will probably be saying come on Christie stand up and fight.

I keep worrying about going back to work the moment someone is nice to me I crumble. I can't stay off forever though. They have been amazing next week will be my third week off ( all paid) and they have sent a beautiful plant and condolence card. He was so proud of me and my job I know he won't want me to mess it up but sometimes I feel that I just can't do it.

Do you have any siblings Travis? Or good friends?

I cannot thank you enough for what you have said.

Christie xx

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Christie,

 

My dad did go peacefully. A brain aneurysm can cause severe damage to your brain cells and they begin to die rapidly the moment it ruptures. Had he recovered, he was going to be permanently brain damaged and would have had to go through months and months of rehabilitation, just like your dad would have. He would have been miserable, and that would have made me the same way.

 

I didn't want that for him. I could never ask him to stick it out in that shape just for a few more years, if that, with him. Though I never wanted to let him go, by letting him go it allowed him to avoid a lot of suffering.

 

Comforting others is my own way of helping do something good in this world when I wasn't able to help my dad. If even one other person is healed even slightly by reading my words, a stranger's words on the internet, then I feel like I can begin to honor my dad little by little.

We can't feel like this forever. We must get out of this dark place, though it is going to take time. Through this forum, we can find others to relate with us and help us to survive. I want to keep going for for my dad's sake. Our dads would not want our lives to end the moment that theirs did.

 

As for siblings and friends, I have a half-brother but he lives across the country. Other people who have not experienced this kind of tragedy can't quite relate to us. The only person in my life who can somewhat see where I am coming from is my mom, and I am blessed I still have her in my life and she has helped me tremendously during this extremely painful time.

 

I cannot thank you enough for your meaningful words. They have inspired me to keep wishing to help others, even as I myself are in dire need of help.

 

Travis xx