Lost my Father

[akita@]

My Dad passed away on Feb 3, 81 years young.  He has had medical issues with COPD from smoking and pacemaker for heart trouble for many years, but he was always doing things for himself on his own terms, walking and driving, etc...  I still cannot believe he is gone.  He was in the hospital occasionally through the years, but in December he came home and seemed okay, tired by still getting around okay.  Then January was a different story as I listened in shock as the doctor told me he only had a month to live.  How couldn't they have known BEFORE that his life was short-lived and tell us?  Everything was crashing down and this was all happening so fast.  Before we knew it, hospice was coming in to 'make him comfortable'.  A week later, he was gone.   My life won't be the same anymore.  I struggle with things I should have said or done more of. I wanted more time with my Dad.  I am having trouble concentrating, sleeping, and just having the energy to clean my house. 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear akita@,

 

I am so sorry about your father. Everyone here can relate you, and when we say we understand we actually mean it. The way your father went from fine to dying in such a short span is something no one should have to experience, and yet it happened to a lot of us here. It happened to me. I wish that it didn't.

 

My dad passed away on Jan 25, 62 years young. His life was cut short by a completely undetected brain aneurysm which ruptured, leaving him to pass away only 3 days later. I'm still in shock that something like this could ever have happened to him. The guilt that surrounds me is physically debilitating. 

 

Your dad sounds like he was always so independent, much like my own. My dad relied on himself, and himself alone. I in turn relied on him. Now I have to rely on myself, and I don't feel confident enough to do that at the moment.

 

My dad would never go to the hospital, he never wanted to. His own father died in his 50s, and his brother at 61, so in a way he somehow knew his time would be up soon. He would not stop smoking after developing emphysema. There was no point in trying to get him to stop, he just wouldn't. I doubt my dad would have lived to even 70 otherwise because he has had all these medical issues, arthritis, congestive heart failure, you name it. But it would have been nice to have some fair warning about it. He even told me one day "I'm falling apart big guy"... I never knew how badly he could fall.

 

Do you have any idea what I would give for another 20 years with my dad? Anything, absolutely anything. I would gladly trade so many years off of my life for his if it meant he'd get to live that much longer. You are so lucky to have been given as much time as you had with your dad. Cherish that time you got, and I know it won't ever be enough and it's so unfair but nothing about any of this is fair.

 

I have the same struggles as you. I wanted more time, I needed more time. I honestly don't feel like I can live out the rest of my life without him but I know I'm going to have to figure out a way. Daily life without him is so mundane. I am having trouble managing my thoughts, finding activities to take my mind off it all, or even having the motivation to do anything except feel so sorry that this had to happen to him.

 

Everyone says you need to take care of yourself and put your health about everything else during this time. Don't do anything that you don't feel you are ready to do yet. Don't force yourself into situations that you don't want to be in. Take your time with this.

 

That's all I've got. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Kirbiboh

[akita@]

I am sorry for your loss as well; definately a life cut short at 62.  I know the doctors told me my Dad lived a long life for someone with his health issues, but in my heart, I keep thinking his mother lived till she was 86 years old, so I told myself, this isn't happening; that he will pull out of this and he won't leave so soon.  I was with my Dad when he passed; my sister and I were at his side and I am glad he was not alone when he died.  I have to have faith that he knew we were there.  In my head, I know all the things that should make me feel better about this situation, but it doesn't help.  I know 81 years is a long time but it still gives me pause thinking about some years I missed when I lived away from them for a few years.  I know my Dad loved me and I told him every time I saw him.  I would visit on weekend and we would have coffee and mcdonald's breakfast that I picked up.  It was the simple things that my Dad appreciated. I miss him alot.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear akita@,

 

My Dad was as simple as yours. He was the most easy going, yet fun loving person you could ever know. He never stressed out over any situation, no matter how tough it got. I don't even remember a single time he yelled at me growing up. He put his own life aside to make sure that my life was the best life I could have. I hope he knows how much I am grateful for all he has done for me. I miss him every single day.

 

My Dad's mother lived so many years longer than he did, too. She was tragically taken from this world too soon as well after she fell onto the pavement during one of the hottest days of the year and was badly burned. Unfortunately, these accidents just happen and we all wish that we could change them but we can't and it sucks.

 

I was there with my Dad when he passed too. I fear that had I not been, no one would have and he deserved so much more than that. He deserved so much more than to just die from something no one had any control over. He deserved to live, and beat all the smoking, and beat all the lung problems, and to the beat the mass that was discovered in his lung at the hospital. I know we had 25 years together, but I still feel a lot of regret for not showing him how much I appreciated him when I had the chance. I was always there with him, always. But even when I was there physically, sometimes I wasn't always there mentally. And rarely emotionally...

 

It hurts my heart to have to say that. I know my Dad knew how I felt even without the words being said, but still. It's a struggle to continue on without him. Neither of us will ever forget our Dads, and we must try to make the best out of this bad situation by finding ways to keep their memory going until we can meet again.

[medam]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father 7 years ago. He was diagnosed with Pancratic Cancer. With in 7 days he was gone.  When he was diagnosed I asked the Doctor to be honest with me ( I was in the medical field) dont sugar coat anything. How long does someone in my dads condition does some one live. I was told typically 6 months. I had to tell my mother but could not tell my father. It turned out it was only 7days.

I feel your pain. I too was there. Ithere is not a day that goes on that I do not think about my dad or even think about what he may do or say about any situation I may be in. I do want to tell you  it does get eaiser. Just let the grieving process go at your own pace and it will get eaisier.

[akita@]

I am so sorry for your losses.  7 days...that's probably how long my Dad survived after they told me.  I was by myself with my Dad in the hospital when they came in and told me and my dad.  My Dad knew, but he thought he was coming home and was going to the mall shopping.  He didn't realize what they actually meant.   It was all I could do not to cry and I was in shock at the notion that my Dad was dying. I still kept thinking, he is going to get BETTER. 

 

I never knew either one of my grandfathers; they passed before I was born.  I lost a sister when she was 3 hit with a car; again before I was born.  My brother committed suicide a few years ago and now I lost my Dad.  I know people move on in different ways, but I am having a hard time doing that.  Family members cope in their different ways; sometimes, I don't feel like they understand why I am having a hard time...why I am not in a place where they are already. 

 

I wake up every morning thinking of things I could have done differently.  I hear all the phrases, 'he is not in pain anymore', 'he lived a long life', 'you need to move on', but it does not help how I feel and I can't just shut things off like a switch.  Sometimes I am angry at the doctors for not saying something sooner and I KNOW they knew he was bad before they told us; other times anger, guilt and frustration with myself.  When my brother killed himself, I couldn't function for 3 months.  It's been 3 weeks now, and I still hurt like heck.  I give myself permission to cry every morning and after work; trying to hold it together.  I miss him so much.  I keep asking God, WHY?????? I never get an answer.