My abusive mother passed away

[confused99]

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling right now.  Last saturday, I received news of my mother's passing.  My mother had been estranged from me for over 20 years.  

 

Some history:

When I was 15, I had a difficult time finding the courage to tell my mother a secret, and when I did it backfired.  I told her that her boyfriend (of over 8 years) was putting his hands down my shirt, grabbing my breasts (the same way he did it, playfully, to her).  She didn't believe me, but the next time Art came over, she made me confront him with what I had told her.  I don't remember much after that day, except that we moved in with Art the following month.  It was when we moved in with this man that the abuse by him really started.  Art was angry at me for telling my mother and he hated both my sister and I for not being his kids.  Everything would make him snap.  Just as an example, I remember I asked for seconds at dinner time, and when he said no, my sister spoke up, defending me.  Art immediately got up and pulled her by her hair, taking her to the washer and dryer, where he repeatedly banged her head against the dryer.  There was so much of this stuff that happened after we moved in with him that, one day, I decided to tell someone at the school.  We were told to go home that evening, but after that day, we were removed from my mother's home and put into foster care.

 

About a week later, a social worker asked us where we wanted to live, and we said with our grandparents.  After that day, we also lost all of our cousins, aunts and uncles on our mother's side.  There were a lot of accusations that we went to live with our grandparents because they were rich.  (Note that my parents were divorced).  Nobody on my mother's side really listened to us.  They just refused to believe it.  Some said "why didn't you tell us this before when we asked you!" while others said nothing.  I don't know why I didn't say anything - everything was a secret with my mother.  She would always say "don't tell them ___!".  Anyways, when I saw my mother's family a few years after I was removed from the home, I can remember my Aunt saying, "Shake Art's hand, let's put this behind us"!  Can you believe that!  Shake our abusers hand??!!  That was the last time I seen my mother's family.  Last I heard, my mother's brother (my uncle) and Art, are best friends.

 

My sister suffers from schizophrenia today.  It all started when our family turned on us over the abuse allegations.

 

Anyways, so that brings me to today.  I lost my mother last Saturday, and despite her absence in my life, I was so hurt.  This was the woman who gave birth to me, how could I not still love her!  My biggest emotion was the sadness I felt that I missed out on the relationship that a mother has with a daughter.  That really broke my heart the most.  Somehow over the next few days, I managed to find peace, and to wish her well in the afterlife.  

 

Today, however, something happened that broke me.  Whoever posted her obituary in the newspaper decided to not mention my sister and I as her daughters.  It broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  It was like the final thing they could do to hurt us.  I don't know if it was Art who wrote it or my mother's family, but it just hurt me so much!  I feel so angry now!  Angry at that family, angry at my mother for choosing this man ART over her two kids, just ANGRY!  Here I am crying over the loss of my mother, and this is what she caused.  She caused the loss of my family for my sister and I, to the point that we are disowned and ignored.  I always believed that my uncle knew the truth (before he passed), but I'm not so sure anymore.  My mother's mom told my sister that she knew when my sister visited her in the hospital, about a week before she passed.  I'm not sure if this was just made up either.  

 

I was looking through the family facebook pictures and everyone looks so happy and connected to eachother.  My sister and I are alone.  We have no cousins or aunts/uncles on my dad's side.  Just us.

 

I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this all!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear confused99,

 

We've all lost a parent here so do not feel like you're alone in this. You say you don't know how you're supposed to feel about all of this, and that's because everyone has had different experiences involving their parents. Your relationship with your mom is much different than most but that doesn't mean I won't try my best to help you. You may agree with me, you may not, but just know none of us here will ever abandon you.

 

I was one of the lucky ones, my dad and I were inseparable. When he passed away, my world came crashing down around me. I am not sure how I would have reacted if I had become estranged to him like you were with your mom, but I'd probably be just as confused as you are. We all want to love our parents because of the simple fact that they are our parents, but the way your mom treated you sounds it it was difficult to even feel anything towards her but resentment.

 

Being left out from an obituary however does not mean you could ever be erased from your mother's life. You had a big part in her life just like she had a big part in yours. She is your mother, as you said, you're not required to love her, but you managed to do it anyways. You can't change that she gave birth to you. Sometimes we all wish we could choose our parents. Sometimes we want so desperately to be loved by them even when they are being corrupted by another. We want our own needs to come above theirs because we are their children and they are supposed to put us above all else. Unfortunately, your mom took a different path.

 

Behind all the abuse, behind all the negativity, she still loves you. Even it didn't seem that way. Even if it never seemed that way. Even if you hadn't spoken in 20 years, she still loves you. Love is eternal, it doesn't just go away once you part. You're always going to love your mom, and she will always love you. A bond between a parent and a child can never be broken, even by outside forces. I am sure she thought about you every single day and wished she could make amends, but most likely figured the relationship was broken beyond all repair. And it very well may have been, given the choices she made. Those were her choices, not yours and you can't fault yourself for them. 

 

I am not sure how this Art character managed to get so much control over your mother's life and all of her relatives, but he and everything that goes with him is your past. You should feel liberated that you don't have to endure that kind of pain anymore. Though the pain may never go away completely, you deserve to be happy, especially after all of this. What gives Art the right to continue to break you down even after everything has been said and done? He has no right to do that to you. You have every right to stick with your sister and prove that his abuse ends now.

Your mother is at a peace and doesn't have to deal with Art anymore. Neither do you. Let us together try and find a way through this, for your sister, but most of all, for you.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Confused -

 

Please forgive me in advance, but to me your mother sounded as if she had not been playing with a full deck.  She sounds out of her darn mind, and that's putting it mildly.  I think if there would ever have been any sort of good relationship there, it could only have happened with your mother under serious medication.  It's unfair that these things should happen to children.  That said, please excuse me for having said it.  

 

We mourn anyway.  We mourn for those things that could've been and never were.  We mourn for those things that had potential and never panned out.  We mourn for lost chances, and opportunities that passed us by.  We mourn for what we could've had and didn't.  I'm so sorry you are having to mourn what could've been.  Your sister is your strongest ally because she, like you, is a survivor.  You two need to stick together.  Create families somehow, even if it is families that consist of friends.  Blessings to you both.     

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling right now.  Last saturday, I received news of my mother's passing.  My mother had been estranged from me for over 20 years.  

 

Some history:

When I was 15, I had a difficult time finding the courage to tell my mother a secret, and when I did it backfired.  I told her that her boyfriend (of over 8 years) was putting his hands down my shirt, grabbing my breasts (the same way he did it, playfully, to her).  She didn't believe me, but the next time Art came over, she made me confront him with what I had told her.  I don't remember much after that day, except that we moved in with Art the following month.  It was when we moved in with this man that the abuse by him really started.  Art was angry at me for telling my mother and he hated both my sister and I for not being his kids.  Everything would make him snap.  Just as an example, I remember I asked for seconds at dinner time, and when he said no, my sister spoke up, defending me.  Art immediately got up and pulled her by her hair, taking her to the washer and dryer, where he repeatedly banged her head against the dryer.  There was so much of this stuff that happened after we moved in with him that, one day, I decided to tell someone at the school.  We were told to go home that evening, but after that day, we were removed from my mother's home and put into foster care.

 

About a week later, a social worker asked us where we wanted to live, and we said with our grandparents.  After that day, we also lost all of our cousins, aunts and uncles on our mother's side.  There were a lot of accusations that we went to live with our grandparents because they were rich.  (Note that my parents were divorced).  Nobody on my mother's side really listened to us.  They just refused to believe it.  Some said "why didn't you tell us this before when we asked you!" while others said nothing.  I don't know why I didn't say anything - everything was a secret with my mother.  She would always say "don't tell them ___!".  Anyways, when I saw my mother's family a few years after I was removed from the home, I can remember my Aunt saying, "Shake Art's hand, let's put this behind us"!  Can you believe that!  Shake our abusers hand??!!  That was the last time I seen my mother's family.  Last I heard, my mother's brother (my uncle) and Art, are best friends.

 

My sister suffers from schizophrenia today.  It all started when our family turned on us over the abuse allegations.

 

Anyways, so that brings me to today.  I lost my mother last Saturday, and despite her absence in my life, I was so hurt.  This was the woman who gave birth to me, how could I not still love her!  My biggest emotion was the sadness I felt that I missed out on the relationship that a mother has with a daughter.  That really broke my heart the most.  Somehow over the next few days, I managed to find peace, and to wish her well in the afterlife.  

 

Today, however, something happened that broke me.  Whoever posted her obituary in the newspaper decided to not mention my sister and I as her daughters.  It broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  It was like the final thing they could do to hurt us.  I don't know if it was Art who wrote it or my mother's family, but it just hurt me so much!  I feel so angry now!  Angry at that family, angry at my mother for choosing this man ART over her two kids, just ANGRY!  Here I am crying over the loss of my mother, and this is what she caused.  She caused the loss of my family for my sister and I, to the point that we are disowned and ignored.  I always believed that my uncle knew the truth (before he passed), but I'm not so sure anymore.  My mother's mom told my sister that she knew when my sister visited her in the hospital, about a week before she passed.  I'm not sure if this was just made up either.  

 

I was looking through the family facebook pictures and everyone looks so happy and connected to eachother.  My sister and I are alone.  We have no cousins or aunts/uncles on my dad's side.  Just us.

 

I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this all!