I'm not recovering

[Amish]

I am the youngest of 9 children, my parents had me very late in their lives.  I was not always the easiest child to deal with, but I was very close to them and they were always there for me. I loss my brother back in 1986, he was 26, after his death I have always had this empty spot in my heart, but I learned to cope.  In 2011, my father passed away.  My parents had been married 62 years and my mother could not deal with the loss.  I moved back to my home state, dropping out of college and leaving everything behind for her so that I could take care of her.  She was my best friend and had giving so much of herself for her family.  In April 2013 I decided to come back to Arizona for a visit, two days after arriving I received the phone call that my mother had passed.  I can not even begin to describe the guilt I felt for leaving her.  She had been doing so much better and I honestly thought she would be OK for the short time I had planned on being away.  A month after my Mom passed, my best friend died of cancer.  Two weeks after that my sister-in-law passed of a sudden heart attack.  I moved back to Az after my moms funeral and started back in school and have tried putting my life back together, but it's not working.  I cry uncontrollably, most of my friends are tired of my mood swings and feel I am a downer.  I struggle to convince myself to study and do my homework and I can't find work.  It has been almost a year and I am not doing any better.  I have to force myself to get up in the morning and am constantly struggling with the idea that life just isn't worth it.  Will I ever be normal again??  I was always the funny one in the group, always laughing and always able to find something good in any situation, but now I hate life.  Every little thing becomes a big deal to me and I can't handle any stress.   People say I still have friends and family who need me, but I can't stop thinking that they are just going to leave me too.  I'm sick of saying good-bye. I am sick of people going before me.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Amish,

 

I am so sorry about all of the people that you've lost throughout your life. It seems like quite a few, and though I have not lost as many as you have, it still hurts all the same whenever someone you love dies. I lost my father a little over 3 weeks ago. He was my everything much like your mother was to you. I never want to feel this way again and I want it to stop just as badly as you do.

 

It's been almost a year for you, but maybe you never actually got time to grieve over your father when your mother went, making the pain that much more unbearable. You need to take time out to grieve. Cry when you want to, and if your friends haven't lost someone, they will not understand. They may act like they do, but until they suffer through this, they won't, not really. Everyone here will understand you because we've all been there.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for not being there when your mother passed. You were there for her so many times before that. You dropped everything and relocated just to take care of her. I'd say that makes you a pretty incredible daughter because I don't know of very many people who would even consider doing that. She needed you and you put her needs ahead of your own and were there for her. That has to count for something. You weren't there the moment it happened, but that doesn't make your love for one another any less. You had no control over when she would pass, how could you have known? I believe all the other times you were there for her cancel out the one time you weren't.

 

People are going to go before you, such is the nature of life. I wish that wasn't the truth but it sadly is. You can't let that hold you back from trying to find your purpose in this world. I know that might sound weird coming from me, considering I happen to be stuck in the same kind of situation as you, but you can't shut down. Shutting down is not what your parents would have wanted for you. They want you to continue on, always keeping their memory alive in your heart.

 

I want to be normal again, I want to laugh again, but now I just hate life, as you said. I was always so happy and carefree when it was just my dad and I, and now he's gone. He's gone and with him, all happiness I ever hoped to feel again. But life has to be worth it, somehow. We weren't put here for no reason. We weren't put here to be happy only until our parents passed on. There has to be another way.

 

We must find that way so we can keep going and honor those we've loved and lost.

[MissuDad]

Hi Amish,

 

After all you´ve been through, I think feeling like you do is normal, you barely had time to digest one death and you get 3 more and from importante people.

 

I think we all get that "I force myself to" for a while. It´s also been almost a year to me and I force myself to keep getting the work done in the house, going to work, going to the gym, doing yoga and like you I was always laughing and can´t deal with any stress now.

 

I think we are hurt and sad at life for taking away from us, the peoplw that we loved the most and now we have to adjust and find ourselves again.

 

A big hug and we´re here for you

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Amish.  I'm so sorry for everything you are going through.  Trying to function again after losing the people who have been the most important in your life, is just too much for a soul to handle.  If all you can do is go through the motions of functioning, that's a lot.   

 

I lost my mom and dad this past November, within 2 days of one another.  My dad died within the first 10 minutes of surgery, and my mom, unable to withstand the death of my dad, died when her heart suddenly stopped. 

 

Since then, I cry constantly.  I cry in the bathroom at work, cry in the car, cry myself to sleep, cry when I forget and start to dial their phone number to talk to them a while.  The shock and horror of having lost them is with me every second, as I am sure it is still with you.  There's nothing I want these days, but to have them back.  I'm angry, feel guilty for every second I wasn't with them, and have gone from happy-go-lucky once, to feeling that I have no purpose in this life. 

 

At times it helps me to come here, to grieving.com, because frankly, I don't want to talk to people who haven't had a loss.  They don't understand.  Often they say things that strike me as insensitive (through no fault of their own - they mean well, I know).  Listening to others on grieving.com talk about their loss, is somehow comforting.  Grieving is a hard, hard thing, and it takes a lot of time and requires a lot of healing.  At night I go to the chat room, and that is somewhat helpful too.   

 

People say that we all recover from these things, but right now, right now I just want them back, and I cry. 

 

BIG (hugs) to you.