Hard day....

[Tryingtohavehope]

Today is Keith's 33 birthday and I've already bawled! I decided this morning to get all fancied up...but just for him...I straightened my hair and did my makeup! (I havent done either of those since I last saw him) Im wearing one of his fave shirts that he liked me in (a Dallas Cowboys shirt) and Im wearing the belt he bought me for my birthday in October! I had a rough morning because when I got in the car to go to work the song Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan played! I started crying and my best friend asked if I wanted her to change the station...I said no and kept crying (first time bawling in front of her over him since hes died). I was so proud of myself for just letting it all go in front of her!

I knew people would tell me I look nice today but it seems like its everyone...thats why I dont get all fancy for work! Its just really bugging me that they are commenting almost like I should be over Keiths death when in reality it feels like its just begun! Im on break at work right now fighting back the tears cause I dont want to mess up my makeup! lol Too late...tears are flowing now but not only because of him but because of my best friends mom who died two years ago tomorrow, which is also her birthday! Im just going to be a mess when I get off work today!

I know Im just rambling on and on about a whole lot of nothing but I know most of you have been there and understand! I hope everyone has a good day!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Tryingtohavehope,

 

That is so great that you honored your boyfriend like that. If he could see you now, which I am positive he can, he would say how beautiful you look. Even without the makeup, I'm sure he has always seen your kind heart and your natural beauty inside.

 

What you are saying isn't just rambling. You can speak your mind here and in doing so maybe one other person will be able to relate to the pain you feel. I happen to be one of them. There's no getting over something like this, especially not so soon after it happened. It makes me angry that the rest of the world is moving on, yet our loved ones aren't here to move on with it.

 

I listened to that song Drink A Beer pretty much on repeat after I heard how it relates to what we are all going through. It too made me cry... uncontrollably I might add. It's actually about Luke Bryan's brother dying in a car accident. His sister also died unexpected a few years later, so he knows exactly what it is like and he's singing from the heart. A lot of artists today have no idea what they're singing about and just sing what's given to them, but I truly believe he does. Right now it don't make sense, I can't make it all make sense... truer words have never been spoken.

 

As for having a good day, what are those? I've never heard of good days. At least not anymore. I want to have good days, and I think I might be able to some day. One day... I hope you can have a good day too.

[Tryingtohavehope]

Thanks Kirb,

Luke Bryan is one of my fave singers, I know he wrote the song about his only two siblings! Thats why I listen to country music most of the artists seem to write about real things...except Taylor Swift in my opinion shes just pathetic when it comes to her music! lol (keith loved her though! lol)

I do know what a half good day feels like because thats what seems to be my pattern right now! Bad mornings, good afternoons and hard nights! :-/ I used to text him before I clocked in at work (he used to get upset if Id forget to text before i clocked in because he said he loved waking up to my messages), I would text him on my break at work and then after work and until I went to bed! I just miss him like CRAZY!!! His sister has a new boyfriend now and I feel like she's happy, his aunt has a new grand baby so she seems happy...but i think thats just it to me everyone SEEMS so happy because im so sad! My plan for his bday today was to buy tickets to a huge country concert that he wanted to go to and to go to his place without him knowing so I could surprize him! He wouldve been sooo happy! I miss his smile!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Tryingtohavehope,

 

My dad felt the same way about Taylor Swift. He stated numerous times that she can't sing. So what good is she? He absolutely hated her and said every song she does sounds the same. They reek, in my opinion. She's just pathetic! She's barely even a country singer anymore!

 

Anyways, I am glad you can at least get to a half good day. I am still only managing to get to about a 2 to 3% good day, give or take a few percent. I just miss my dad like crazy. If we were ever apart, I have no doubt that I would be texting him non-stop. I am so glad I got to spend as much time with him as I did but all the time in the world wouldn't feel like enough. Am I right?

 

I do not think his sister is as happy as she seems. Everyone grieves in different ways, and maybe the whole shock of it all hasn't actually settled in for her yet. His aunt might be the same way. It's hard enough to not cry but to try and look strong in front of others when you don't feel anything but sadness is even harder. They might even be putting on brave faces because they want you to be happy too.

 

You're very thoughtful and he is very lucky to have had you as a partner. Most relationships would involve the guy doing whatever it takes to make the girl happy, but you're the exact opposite and that is rare and quite special. He is so glad to have known you. There is no other person out there like you in the entire world. Ever.

 

Imagine how big his smile would be if you had done that for him. Use it to keep going and try to get to a full good day.

 

 

[Tryingtohavehope]

So I gained a little courage this morning and finally listened to our song "Til My Last Day" by Justin Moore and I have no idea why I even did it! That was sooooo painful! Ive never cried that hard or that deep until the song came on! I miss him sooo much...even more now that I listened to the song! God I love him...Lord please help me get through this pain....