Anger and Resentment

[frankly]

Since Jerry's motorcycle accident in December, I have not been anything but despondent.  When I started writing about him and our life, I managed to kind of avoid it for a few days.  Almost like it didn't happen.  Unfortunately the more I wrote, I kept turning to where he would normally be, to ask him a question or to want to share "remember when we.........."  Now I'm finding it hard to even write.

 

Three days before Valentines Day, I started going downhill......fast.  I have no anger for what happened to him.  I have no anger toward the people who caused his death by letting their dogs run free.  I can't seem to muster up any emotion except missing him to the point of seeing no future except waiting to die too.

 

I do resent that the sun is shining, it's nice outside, but he's not here to enjoy it.  I'm having a major problem with food and eating.  I don't.  Not for days at a time.  Till I'm ready to pass out.  Then I force myself to eat something, but I feel guilty that I'm eating..........and he isn't.  I can't stand the site of food.  It doesn't look good, taste good or smell good.  Quite honestly I just don't like food any more.

 

I don't care about anything.  I'm not angry, I'm just so lonesome and sad that if someone said I had won the lottery, I wouldn't care.  They could keep it because Jerry wouldn't be able to share it with me.

 

Jerry is dead.  He's not coming back.  I've accepted that.  I'm stuck in this constant panic and depression.   

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

A lot of time I am wondering what the point of all of this is when you don't have your best friend around anymore. I write to my dad as much as I can, but it's not enough. Words are just words. The warmth of another's love is far more than words could ever be.

 

I keep asking myself why I get to live when he doesn't. It's not fair, it's not right, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. I can't deal with it. He was taken too soon and I don't care what anyone else says. An unpreventable, unavoidable health issue took him from me and now I just am supposed to brush that off? I've already come to terms that I am never going to get through this. I'm going to miss him more and more every single day.

 

Food is stupid. I mean, I can eat and everything but I don't really want to. I force myself just like you do and even then, it's doesn't taste the same. I'm supposed to be eating everything my dad eats. We always went to fast food places nearly every single day together. It wasn't healthy, sure, but it was our life and no one can fault us for that.

 

And as for money, I know exactly how you feel. My father left everything he owns to me. All of his hard earned money over the 62 years of his life he gave to me, but what good is money when you don't have your best friend to spend it with? Money is meaningless now. I only use it to pay bills and afford basic necessities. I feel so bad having to use his money to live when he doesn't get to anymore. But then again, I have no motivation to leave the house so I could never hold down a job. So either way, I can't win.

 

I know my dad wants me to be happy, but I'm just as stuck as you are. There's no happiness to be found as we walk through this abyss. Panic attacks begin frequently for me too, when I think about those last moments I had with him. Try as I might, those visions keep reoccurring in my head. I just wished I knew he was going to die, then maybe I would have thanked him for everything.

 

I'm stuck. It sucks.

[cicero]

Frankly, personally I'm going through an anger day.  Angry at her for not being alive.  Angry for her not taking better care of herself.  Angry for her not being here for her kids.  Angry for not being able to say one last thing to her.   And angry for her giving me this ridiculous pain, this didn't have to happen.

 

And reading your post I would say you should be angry too.  It won't do any good, it's like a twilight zone where anything you try mentally to tackle this situation looks good initially and then falls apart on application.  I think the exit is the door that leads to the future, while closing the door to the past.  But where is that door?  I think we'll both find it, we have to, because this zone is no place to be.