Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

My partner lost his grandmother and is really not doing well


Recommended Posts

  • Members



I am writing here because my partner (with whom I live) lost his grandmother last week and he is really not doing well.

He participated in the ceremony and followed her from the very moment she passed to the burial. 

I know he chose (because he promised her) not to leave her body alone until the burial, so he identified her at the morgue and then helped bury her (carried the body and opened the shroud in the tomb to apply rose water - Iranian tradition). He was raised in the US so it's not like he saw this many times in his life so I know he is extremely affected by what he saw and did. 

He is extremely proud and not very communicative for that kind of matter. He opens up sometimes but then locks himself down in his thoughts very quickly after. 

I feel completely ill-equipped to help him... he sleeps all day, moans and weeps at night, in his sleep,...he doesn't shower and can't focus. 

I know this is part of grief and it is "normal"... I would just need practical help...

Tonight, he opened up and started talking about the people who apply make-up on the deceased... I thought it would be a good idea to follow him down this path and talked about it with him for a little bit and I could tell that he was pretty disturbed afterwards. So maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

He was silent for a while and I told him that he could talk about anything if he wanted and patted his arm... but he shut down. 

I feel so sad that I can't help him... I don't know how to help him... and even if I knew, I wouldn't know how to say it since he is so proud and so private. 


Do you have any tips? Apart from being there for him and helping with the groceries/cooking and all... I know this already. 

Most importantly, is there a way to alleviate his trauma regarding seeing his grandmother's face on many occasions?? I know he mentioned that he cannot get it out of his head...

Thank you so much for your help... I truly appreciate it. 



Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think you're doing well in your attempts to help. I believe you need to talk to him. Admit to him you don't know what to do to help but tell him you will be there for him.  

Only time will ease the pain and trauma of seeing his grandmother's face. I still see my husband's face as he's lying in the casket. The mortician did a horrible job preparing him for the viewing. That is the one thing I wish I could forget. 

Try not to take any of it personally. Sometimes we do things in our grief that can be hurtful. 


I wish I could be of more help,


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests
Guest Kirbibizzle

Dear ESF,


You are helping him just by being there for him. I know this from first hand experience. If I didn't have at least one other person to talk to right now, I'd be so much worse off than I am now. I would even go as far as to say I would go crazy and huddle up into a ball of nothingness.


Sometimes just having another person in the room with you is comforting enough. You don't even need to talk, but just by being there it will hopefully make him feel at least like he isn't alone anymore. No one should have to face something like this on their own.


As for the seeing of his grandmother's face, I am sure that those thoughts will dampen in time. I struggle myself constantly to hold back the thoughts of my father on his death bed. It's painful indeed when those thoughts do occur, but it really does help to try and think about something else, anything else.


I sometimes get angry with my mom when she tries to talk about anything except my dad, but that anger isn't directed towards her. It's directed towards the world for allowing this to happen. There's a lot of unanswered questions for me, and I am sure your partner feels the same way. Those questions might never be answered but talking through it really does make a world of a difference.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.