Feel Like I am Always Pretending

[kay1234]

My mom died 8 months ago. Some days are ok...most days are hard. I am a married mom with 2 young kids and they need me. My life feels like a facade, living moment to moment, just hoping I am ok. I have always had a depression/ anxiety disorder, but meds and counselling kept in in check. I am in the medical profession, so keeping up appearances it a huge part. I am well informed medically of my condition and treatments available. And I have tried most of them.

I just want to fall apart. Just crawl into a ball and give up, but I can't and I won't. But this is what I fight...everyday, every minute sometimes. I feel like such a fake person, plodding along pretending to laugh at jokes, playing with my kids, and all I want to do is go hide. I feel robotic.

My heart is broken My mom was my sounding board, we spoke everyday. Her death was tragic and traumatizing. I was her caregiver forever.

I have a blessed life and thats probably why I rarely complain or rock the boat, but I am so tired. I want to love my life and appreciate my great hubby and kids. I want to be there for them. But I am bogged down by coping minute by minute. My family needs me, I need them, but I feel like no one could handle my grief. I have tried to explain to my husband, but he looks like a deer in the headlights.

I am strong, I will not curl up in a ball, or give up....but I feel myself slipping away. I am tired.

Thank you for reading.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

There are many people on this forum who feel the same way as you do. Many of us are just walking through our lives lost and helpless without having our parents to turn to. I happen to be one of those people. We can handle your grief so feel free to throw as much of it as us as you can.

 

You can not give up on yourself, for the sake of your children. Think about how your mom would feel if she could see you right now. Would she want you to give up? Absolutely not. Would she want you to be happy, even without her there to support you any longer? Absolutely. I know that sounds impossible, to try and have some form of happiness when your best friend is one day there and then the next day gone, but it's not an unobtainable goal.

 

I too have faced the same challenges you describe. There is a battle going on in my head between light and darkness. The dark thoughts which involve the last days of my dad's life and his subsequent death. And then you have the light, every memory he and I have shared excluding those final three days. I jump back and forth between the two but most of the time, the darkness wins. You can't let it win. There's no point in dwelling on the bad parts because the worst is over with.

 

You said it yourself: your family needs you and they need you now. Your mother's love for you will always be there in your heart. Use it as a strength to keep going. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Kay1234 –

 

 

I’m sorry you are going through so much.

 

I’m going to type out something someone told me which impacted me greatly, and explained to me why I feel so much pain about the loss of my parents.  Here it is:

 

“No one in your life loves you as unconditionally as your parents. Not your kids, spouse, friends or any other person in your life. Mine have been gone a few years and had them for a very long time. You learn to live without them but there is an emptiness that never goes away.”

 

If you had a good relationship with your mom, and she was there for you, as you were there for her, the pain and the wishing that she were here are going to be intense.

 

I also would like to say this - you need to take care of yourself first, before you take care of anyone else.  On flights, we are told in an emergency, parents must put on their own oxygen masks before they put on those of their children, because if the parents are not receiving oxygen, they will not be able to help their kids survive.  Do whatever you must do to care for your body, your mind, your health.

 

 

-Sarah

[ForeverRemembered]

I could have written this post.  I am also in the medical profession and I also suffer from depression.  My mom past away on Sept 11, 2012.  My mom suffered greatly in her last hour of life. She was in respiratory distress.  It was very difficult for me to watch.  As I saw her face turn blue, I stroked her hair and kept repeating to her that everything would be alright.  I will never forget those painful moments and how helpless I felt. 

 

I also have two children and a loving husband (who looks at me often like a deer looking into headlights). 

 

I wanted to write to you and let you know that I felt the exact same way you do right now.  Everyone told me when that one year anniversary of my mom's death hit, was when I would begin to feel better.  The week leading up to the anniversary was the worst for me.  However, a few days after the year anniversary of her death, I really did start to feel better.  I have felt better each and every day.  The entire first year I was just walking in a fog. The EXACT same way you described. One day (during my fog) I realized that my kids lost their mom the same day that I lost my mom.  I did start taking antidepressants. I never wanted to take them because I wasn't a weak person.  I was strong and I could get through this!  No...I couldn't.   I started taking them and one day I noticed that I was laughing. It was this big belly laugh.  It was a very strange sound.  I had not heard it in over a year.  My kids had lost "me" when I lost my mom.  That was when I realized that I had to be there for my kids. 

 

Please know that we all understand your pain.  We have all walked (or are walking) through the fog you are in.  It will lift.  It just takes time.  You lost your mom only 8 months ago.  The wounds are still unhealed.  You will feel better.  It just takes time.  You are coping.  You know that you are feeling lost.  You feel it.  Just hold on and give it more time.  There will always be days you cry.  You will always miss your mom but the pain you are feeling now (that pain) will ease through more time. 

 

I will be thinking of you! 

 

HUGS!

[lemc87]

Dear Kay:

 

I am sure you've heard this many times before, but I am so very sorry for your loss. Your relationship with your mom sounds very similar to my own. I lost her in October 2013 and my life is very empty without her. Some days I feel like giving up as well, but I know that's not what she would have wanted. That's what keeps me from hiding away from my loved ones now. She would have wanted me to stay strong, as I'm sure your mom would have wanted you to be. 

 

I agree with Kirbiboh -- we can handle your grief. If you need people to talk to, this is a great place to do so. We can relate and are here to help. I know how difficult it is to be surrounded by people who don't understand your grief. I feel like people expect me to be "over it" and that makes me angry. Stay close to the forum though... you need to be able to talk this out with others! Talking helps you cope with what has happened.

 

Hugs from afar.

[kay1234]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I live in a small town in the mountains and February is a bad month regardless of grief. So much snow and its to easy to hide. I will contiue to check in and again your kind words are so appreciated:)