My 1st time here.

[T.J's Mom]

My life changed forever on April 25th, 2013. That was the day I lost the love of my life. My first born and only Son T.J, in a horrific car crash in which he was a passenger.

 

Throughout my life I've lost so many people I've loved. A Brother, A Sister, A Fiance, My Step-Father, My Father and now..My Son. I still can't believe that he's gone. Still haven't accepted that he is now just ashes in an urn and in a heart around my neck.

He was such a big, strong boy. He towered over me at over 6 feet tall (I'm barely 5 feet) He was a gorgeous young man with a smile that lit up a room and my world. I'd spent his entire life worried that I would lose him as I'd lost so many loved ones before him. Even my Mother said he was just "too good to be true." That she too worried something would happen to him. He'd never caused me a moment's trouble. never a call from the police or the principal. Straight A's all through school and then graduating from college with not one but two degrees and at the very top of his class. Always. and he was born to me when I was only 18 and unmarried. We literally grew up together..Him and me.

He had a genius level I.Q that we discovered when he was 12 and his teacher (unbenounced to us) tested him. It was in the top 1.5% of the population. He was well known for his computer skills. From his ability to build a computer, Program, Create, all the way through repair. Everyone went to him for advice or to troubleshoot and he had recently opened his own computer company and it was taking off like wildfire. He just had a way about him that everyone liked. Never heard anything but accolades from everyone who ever met him. His friends nicknamed him Sensei as he had an aura of an old soul who knew all or so it seemed.

There was nothing he could not do. Nothing we ever found anyways. He could as easily go from re-building the motor on his 1975 Corvette Stingray to laying a ceramic tile floor for his Grandmother that was so perfect you'd swear he'd done it a million times. He enjoyed rock collecting, juggling, firebreathing and riding his unicycle, He was a certified scuba diver by the age of 13, He could paint the most beautiful pictures and often gave his paintings to family and friends who loved them. He dabbled in horticulture, growing legal medical Marijuana, Organically, that surpassed anything grown by any other contributor.  He never raised a hand to another human being in his life. Not even once. He could solve seemingly any issue with words and not violence. He was as thoughful and kind a person that you could ever meet. Just a top notch human being. Absolutely the finest soul I've ever known. I still cannot accept that he's gone. I can barely even look at his picture and I can't handle it when my Mom wants to talk about him all the time. The pain is still just too raw. I try to convince myself it's all just a bad dream and soon I'll wake up and everything will be fine. But it won't and the longer time goes by, the more I realize that and the harder his loss becomes.

 

The nightmare began On April 25th, T.J was riding in the passenger seat of his good friend Tony's BMW. Tony failed to yield to oncoing traffic and pulled out directly in front of a huge truck that was going over 60 miles an hour. The truck hit my Son's side of the vehicle in what is known as a "T-bone". The coroner said he was killed instantly. I hope he was right because when the impact came it took out the entire half of the car that my Son was in. The seatbelt he always wore held on to him somehow and he was dragged underneath the BMW until it finally came to rest and he ended up lying in the interstates off ramp, far from where the accident originated. It was 1:30 in the afternoon and the road was busy (as most Florida highways are) Many people witnessed the accident and stopped. I only found out later that numerous people took out their phones and snapped photos of my precious boy as he lay dead in the road. His friend, the driver,recieved injuries that were not life threatening and spent a few days in the hospital as my son lay in the morgue. He still hasn't so much as apologized to me. No doubt advice he recieved from his family's attorney who was representing them immediately as the family is of such wealth that they have their own jet, helicopter and homes all around the world. They cared more about protecting their assets than showing remorse for the actions that took the life of my Son and the leg of the man who was driving the vehicle that struck and killed my Son instantly.

The fact of the matter is my Son is GONE. His brilliance, His smile, The hugs and kisses he was never afraid to give me..even in front of his friends. He readily admitted that he was a Momma's boy and even though he had recently married his girlfriend of 5 years, He was still and would always be My boy.

The fact of the matter is that life holds NO joy for me any longer. I don't sleep because the nightmares where I see my Son being dragged underneath the car just won't abate, I barely eat, I've felt sick inside for 9 months. My heart actually physically hurts as does my body. I take too many pills and when I run out, My pain is magnified a million times over. I'm lonely yet it seems I push everyone away. The crazy thing is I was involved in a head on collision 5 months prior to my Son's accident. I almost died. I suffered numerous serious injuries including a shattered femur and knee, A lacerated liver, Diaphram and Colon. 5 broken ribs, a broken pelvis and numerous bruises and lacerations over my entire body. The only place on my body that escaped any injury was my face. I was air lifted from the scene and spent over 2 weeks on the trauma floor of the #1 rated hospital for traumatic injuries in Florida. Had I been in my home state of Maine, It's likely I would have suffered the same fate as my Son. If you only knew how badly I wish I could trade places with him. How many times a day I beg whomever's in charge..to please let me die so I can make the pain stop. I truly don't want to live for even one more minute. I am only still breathing because I have 2 Daughters who lost their Brother and I don't want them to have to deal with losing me too even though I'm not extremely close to either of them. When I divorced the girls opted to stay with their Father and my Son of course chose me. Typical Daddy's girl, Mother's Son scenario.

So here I am. Lost and all alone and back living in Maine where my children were born and mostly raised and where I grew up. The day my Son was killed was the last day of operation of the brand new restaurant I'd just opened 2 months prior. The one I had sunk every cent to my name in. I flipped the open sign off and wheeled myself out the door (I was still recuperating from the femur break and couldn't walk yet) I checked into a hotel and stayed until my Son's memorial service and then took the next plane to Maine where I've been ever since. I'm alone, miserable and more lost than any human being could be.

Today, I got on my laptop and typed "loss of a child" into the search box and that is how I ended up here, Telling my story for the very first time. Where I go from here..I haven't a clue.

I admire all of you who have also lost a child and are really...the only people that could possibly have a clue to the emotions I'm feeling or understand the pain I am in. I admire your strength and wish I had just a fraction of what many of you have. I just don't. I'm as weak and fragile as i've ever been. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. I'm wallowing in darkness and yes, Pity. I can't imagine what I could have ever possibly done to deserve such a life of loss, Both of my parent's lost a child (My Brother and Sister) They were never quite right afterwards. Not much chance I'll be any different. I used to fear death. I don't anymore. Not even a little. At this point I would relish it. As a person who has no religious beliefs (beyond Humanism) I don't  have the comfort that those who believe in God and Heaven..Have. I don't believe there's a hell except for the one right here on Earth and trust me, I am already there.

Where do I go from here?  

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear T.J's Mom,

 

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of this fine young man. He sounds like a truly remarkable human being who you should feel so honored to call your son. It seemed like he was just in the prime of his life when it was struck so tragically short. This was definitely not his fault, nor your fault and that does make me quite angry that his friend who was driving has no apologized to you. I haven't lost a child myself, but having lost my dad who was basically my best friend and my one reason for getting out of bed in the morning, I know first hand how badly it hurts when you have your happiness ripped away from you so quickly.

 

Trust me when I tell you, dying is not the answer. Had the roles been reversed, I know that he would be just as broken and as lost as you are now if you were gone. My father passed away 3 weeks ago, and we were just as close as you and your son. I am 25 so I can also relate to being around the age your son is. There is not a single thing more in this world I want right now than to see my dad again. But I know that it's not the way out. It's an easy way out, but it's not the right way out. Had you died in that accident you had before, do you think he would shut down completely because that's what you would want him to do? Or would you want him to go on and try to become the strongest form of himself he could be? He wants the same for you. You can't just break down and die. I mean, sure, we all think about it for a while as we've all had those kinds of thoughts when we lose the one thing in this world that means the most, but you can't do that to him. He would want you to do the very best you can at the moment and that would be to continue on and try to be at peace with this.

 

A parent and a child have a connection like no other. My dad was my everything and he still is. I talk to him and I write to him daily. The tears don't seem to stop except when my mind eventually wanders to the more happier times we spent together. The other 99% of the time I feel just as lost as you are, so don't for a second think you are alone in what you are going through. There are so many people on this forum who have had a loved one taken away suddenly and tragically, and they are all just trying to find that one ounce of happiness to help them get through each day.

 

You did not deserve to have all of these loved ones taken from you. No one should have to go through this kind of pain, and yet the reality is that we all eventually will. Everyone who we surround ourselves with will be gone one day, or we will be gone from them, so these moments we have together should be cherished and clinged to for as long as we can. The memory of my father still goes on even though he is not here anymore physically. Even though these memories are covered with so much pain right now, they won't always be. These memories are still very much alive and your son still lives within you.

 

I also happen to agree on the whole "hell" statement. This is my version of hell: a place without my dad. I never thought the day would come when I had to say goodbye to him, but it's already here, and it's hell. This can't keep going on this way, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. This misery will be gone one day. I want to believe so badly that he is still here somewhere, he can't just be gone. I hope you can feel that way too eventually. Our loved ones can't just disappear into nothingness. They have to live on somehow.

[shorty16]

TJs mom

Losing a child is a profound loss. It has been 5.5 years since I saw my beautiful 16 year old son, Brian. Yes, the happiness went out of my life, but with work, it has come back.

I will never be as happy as I was when Brian was alive, but. Happiness does come again .

Please join us on the Loss of an Adult Child thread. We come from many backgrounds and locations, but all have experienced the death of a child.

Please be kind to yourself. The grief journey never ends, it changes over time.

Colleen, Brian's mother forever

[Steve s mom]

Hi, tj mom

I lost my son Steve at the age of 29. He and your son sound very much alike.steve too was very bright genius level IQ and was just finishing up his phd when he died.he too was a mommies boy and very loving .i also ont know why he was then and I live on.i really have no one else to stay here for and have often longed to join him.my father ,sister and mother died as well as Steve .he died accidentally had a sudden cardiac arrest ,and like you the person responsible for his death( didn't call 911) has never said a word to us.considering he was supposedly his best friend and we knew his family well.sometimes I just can't understand how people do the things they do and how they can live with themselves after.i guess we all wonder what we did to deserve this,I certainly do.i am very sorry for the loss of your wonderful son.visit the loss of adult child portion of this forum ,it is very helpful.

[mrsmilton]

My son was named T.J. too. He was shot 9/30/2012. He was 20 years old. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a 50 year old sad Alabama mom of a T.J. too!

[ericasmom]

TJ's Mom, follow us to Loss of an Adult Child, and there you will meet many that lost an adult as you have, a Baby of your heart. I lost my 19 year old daughter 10.5 years ago and remain on the site to give a hand up if I am able and to also stay in the family of people whose hearts are like mine, broken, healing in some ways, making room for memories, and needy of others who get it. We get it there so please join us. You will meet others who are on the same time frame as you, some newer, some like me, who have long been on the road.

[Jewel60]

TJ Mom, I know your pain so well and I am just trying to reach out to those that truly understand. I acquired guardianship of my grand baby on her 4th birthday in 2007. On the outside she appeared to be a normal little girl but she always struggled with every day life. She was traumatized and had lots of anxiety..as time went by she developed issue after issue. We never thought she would be able to attend school but she did and she loved it. We were so proud of her. It was a Hugh accomplishment. But year after year one thing after another life foe her just got harded until 6-11-13 she went homr to the Lord. Five days after turning 10. We are coming up on a year and it still feels like yesterday. No one understands how the littlest things effect you. I feel like I'm in a cloud, in a play faking my way through each day. When I'm not able to fake it, everyone wants to know whats wrong with me. Really? This has changed my whole life. The new normal. Nothing is the same. I just feel so alone in my grief. I know I'm not but that is how I feel. My heart breaks for you. God bless you!