How do I move on??

[Sammijo2424]

Since valentines day I have just had a pit in my stomach and so very sad. I want to cry, feel it would be a release, but the tears won't come, I think I am just cried out. I want to get on with this so called LIFE, but hard enough to just get out of bed and move, I want to make Ron's death count for something, but what.....I have been feeling like what's the use, what is the reason for anything. My plan this morning was to start my search for a new church family, but got scared and really just do not feel well. I want to do this, and that but something keeps holding me back, like feeling scared of everything, scared of the unknown.

While I was in California my grandaughter wanted me to go and chaperone a field trip to the opera, I tried everything to get out of it, I was scared, did not know what to expect, I finally told myself it was for her and it would make her happy, so I went, rode on school bus, had a wonderful time with her. Later that day I told her I had a great time with her and her reply was...Grandma, you don't know how happy that makes me, those words made it all worth it.

But, at home I don't have anyone or anything to push me to do anything, the only thing I have is my dog. I want to get out there and rejoin the human race, but unsure exactly how to do it. I guess I am just gonna have to just step out of my comfort zone, which is in my house with all the doors locked and shades pulled down. I yearn for summer, longer days,and shorter nights. I know I need to make some major changes in my life (and I am not talking about moving or anything) I mean getting out of my shell, getting out of this house, getting past my pain, I am ready to, one small step at a time.

So, the reason I am writing all this is to ask HOW, how do I get beyond my grief and pain to begin my life of helping others, walking a closer walk with my God????

[obakesan]

My answer is that you don't move on in any way that you can imagine. Its said by people who have no experience.

My view is that it is similar to loosing a limb (although I have not done that personally). You are alive, it hurts, you need to learn to walk again (or do things with the other arm). Sometimes the missing limb even causes pain (called phantom pain).

You never get over the loss, you only accept it as vest you can.

Personally I have been spending time reflecting on how much she helped me, how much stronger she made me.

I'm not "there" yet, just walking one step at a time.

I wish you well

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Sammijo2424,

 

I understand completely what you mean. This life we are living does not feel like our life anymore. Sure, we're surrounded by the same settings, the same house, the same dog, but it's like we're walking in someone else's shoes. There's a hole there now and it's so deep that it can never be filled. And that hole is our lost loved one.

 

I am scared that I will fail. I am scared that I won't match up to how great of a man my father is. I've been shielded from the outside world by my dad for so long that I no longer know how to manage without him.

 

I have asked myself so many times, how do I honor my dad who gave me everything? How do I compete with a man who did so much good in his life? I can't compare to the man he was, no matter how hard I try. But you and I both are making our loved one's deaths mean something. Just by posting on here we stand the chance of effecting at least one another person. If we move even one other person by our personal story, then my dad's and Ron's deaths both do count for something. Though we feel like we are all out of hope ourselves, maybe we can spark something in another person to give them that hope they need.

 

I sit in bed all day long and listen through the wall to the kids from next door outside having fun. They don't know what pain is, they are still all so innocent. The only thing I have left now is my weenie dog, and he's the only reason I go outside anymore. I just want to step outside and venture forth towards the rest of my life, but I've got no where to go. The path ahead looks so unsteady...

 

How do you get beyond your grief and pain to begin your life of helping others? You've already started helping others by telling us how you feel. And I can relate to you. In just by doing something so simple you've helped me.

[HeyJude]

Oh my gosh Sammi, you are in the exact same boat I'm in.  I don't know how to live without Jerry.  I'm scared too...all the time.  I go to work and that is about it.  Seriously, I have no friends where I'm at.  I've lived here 14 years now and do not have even one really good girlfriend that I can call just to talk or go out with.  I have my dogs and my sweet little cat, that is it.

 

I am not the type to go anywhere alone.  I can't even sit and eat at a restaurant alone.  I feel like the rest of my life is going to be waiting to die.  That is all I have to look forward to.

 

When you figure out how to do this please let me know cause I think Im in a worse place than you are.  At least you can travel.  I can't even afford to get on a damn bus!!