Lost my fiancé last week

[TaraNic0le]

This is my first post on here - but I don't know where quite else to turn.  My heart is crushed.

 

My fiancé and I met through work, he was my trainer and I always joked that he had took advantage of me.  Last week was just a normal day at work when a sales rep came running over to my desk saying my fiancé 29 years old had passed out.  My fiancé had suffered from Epilepsy his entire life and in the past year had stopped taking his medication over a year ago and was seizure free (which is considered remission.)  I watched in our office for forty minutes as they tried to resuscitate him through CPR and even tried to intubate him.  I was not allowed in the ambulance and knew immediately it was not good.  While we are still waiting for answers - the only things that have become conclusive is that he had a seizure and that he had a heart blockage of about 70-75% which is outrageous for a 29 year old man.  There has been some evidence that there is a correlation between his epilepsy medicine and severe heart blockage and a disorder known as SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) which is a very rare diagnosis on a death certificate especially after finding a heart blockage.

Regardless of the results - he is gone.  We were supposed to be married in nine months - November 28, 2014.  He was the love of my life.  The kindest man I have ever met and everyone we ever met said they never understood how we could work together live together and still love each other as much as we did.  But our love was wonderful and I feel lost and I wish I could just be with him because without him I am nothing.

[Tryingtohavehope]

Im so sorry for your loss! I lost my bf about a month and a half ago and Im still so lost! Im not sure what all to say to you because its so new to me too! If you need anyone to talk to Im here! My bf was 32 and died in the hospital. He had a seriers of mini strokes caused by an infection in his heart and blood. They said he was getting stronger & was scheduled for surgery on Thursday but I got a phone call from his mom on Monday saying he went into cardiac arrest and they couldnt save him! I have cried every day since so just remember everything you are feeling is normal! Im here if you need to talk!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

TaraNic0le,

 

I am incredibly sorry to hear about your fiancé's sudden passing. My dad died 3 weeks ago from a slightly different, yet still unavoidable event. He had a brain aneurysm which he could potentially had been walking around with his entire life. Once it ruptured, it was either he die or he become severely disabled. Those were the only options. I have never wanted to accept that he was supposed to die that day, but in reality there really was no stopping it. And in that same way, it is painful to admit but nothing you could say or do could change what happened to your finacé.

 

My dad means everything to me. If my dad wasn't my dad and I wasn't a guy, you better believe I would have married him in a heartbeat. Is that weird to say? Anyways, that's how close we were. We were always together and always had each other's backs. When I lost him, I lost myself in the process. I too feel just as lost as you. How do you "move on" after the one person you loved more than anyone else in this world is gone? I find myself asking that same question every single day.

 

I know you probably have a lot of guilt over how things turned out, how you never got to get married and everything, maybe even something to do with him stopping taking the medication, and all those feelings are normal. The guilt is going to be debilitating at times. You missed out on so many things together, but like you said, your love is indeed something that is very rare in this world. Against all odds, you were there for one another, and that can continue even through death. Just because he is gone does not mean your relationship will end here. That's what I tell myself in regards to my father. You can still talk to him, tell him what's on your mind. Be there for him like you always have been. Honor his memory to the best of your ability.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

My dearest Tryingtohavehope,

 

Your bf was the one and only person who could truly understand who you are. Try as they might, anyone else will just fall short of seeing the real you. You're an amazing woman and you deserve nothing but happiness. What you don't deserve is this to happen to you. No one should ever have to go through something like this.

 

Each and every tear that you shed for your bf just further cements your feelings for him. You're never going to find someone to even remotely come close to him, and that's okay. No one can replace your bf and no one can change the way you feel about him in your heart. Keep him there forever and don't let him go and maybe, just maybe, one day you'll find a way to smile again.

 

I wish I knew how to smile.

[Tryingtohavehope]

Kirb,

Thank you! I try to be so strong through this but its so hard to do! I talked to his aunt today online and she told me he had told his mom I was the first girl he really truely loved! It makes me so happy to hear that (his sister & his mom both told me the same thing) but I feel so sad because even though we both felt it we never told each other! I know now that he knows how I truely feel about him and I tell him every day how much I love him and miss him! I just wish I wouldve told him while he was in the hospital! Everyone tells me to try to remember all the good times with him but when I try I just sob uncontrollably cause I think of how we were supposed to be together forever!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Tryingtohavehope,

 

Even though you didn't tell him how you really feel, I am certain that he knew. When you are in love there's no way not saying three little words can mask it. And even though he isn't here to tell you himself, his love for you can only grow stronger the longer you remain apart.

 

It's so hard to look beyond the fact that your loved one is gone and be able to focus on all the incredible memories you created together, but one day this pain will subside and we'll all be able to remember very vividly exactly how we felt when we were around the one we lost. And it's true that you two are going to be together forever. I don't know how long it will take, but you will meet again. And when you do, it will be in a place where there is no pain, no suffering and it lasts for an eternity. It's going to be a great place to be.

[Raltvater1]

I understand what everyone in this group is going through. I lost my wife at the beginning of dec in a horrible car crash. It left our kids in hospital. And we have only been home now for a month. It's hard. I miss her all the time. But I have our kids that I have to get out of bed for so I don't get much time to let the feelings wave over me. She was my everything just like I was hers. She was the sweetest girl. And not just I said that but everyone at her funeral. Everyone that I talk to as well. It's horrible that my girl is gone. And I have to keep going. Cause my heart is broken. I just want her back.

[TaraNic0le]

Today was my first day out to attempt to do real things and the anxiety is unbearable.  I miss him so much - everything I see reminds me of him.  Everyone keeps talking about and always talked about - how unique and special our love was.  I still don't feel like this could ever even be real.  Why did this happen?  It's so unfair.  We were supposed to be married in 9 months and we were both so excited about the wedding.  We will never be able to experience all of the wonderful things we looked forward to and talked about.  Our wedding, buying a house, babies, I feel so lost.  In the best words possible, it sucks.

[erip]

TaraNic0le:

I lost my boyfriend 2 weeks ago and as i read your post I can relate a lot. We were so happy together, talked about having babies, getting married, and lots of projects. I admire him and he did the same with me. So many memories this 2 years that is very difficult for me to handle the pain.I wish i knew what to tell you but im new to this too.

 

We can talk about how we feel, for me it helps to know im not alone even though each relationship is different.