My mum died suddenly aged 56

[danielmj]

Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later.

 

At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did.

 

When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her.

 

My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time.

 

I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died.

 

Ann 'Noreen' Johnson

1957-2014

RIP mum

 

[Trish91]

Hi Daniel,

 

I am really truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on the 17th of December 2013 to metastatic lung cancer, and although I am older than you, I am in my thirties, I completely understand what you are going through, as do others on this forum. So please keep coming back and posting how you feel whenever you feel like it. Nobody will judge you, lots of people will read and that will make a difference to all of us, and even if we don't always write here, we are here listening.

 

Your mom was way too young to die, and so are you to lose a mom, but you were super close and enjoyed lots of wonderful times together, so you will always have that.

 

The same for me, my mom was my everything, my best friend and my biggest and fiercest supporter. I miss her every single moment of every single day, and sometimes it hurts infinitely to have to live without her.

 

I have a good relationship with my dad, and now we are even closer than ever. He's been wonderful, as has my husband, and my closest friends, also my aunties and uncles.

 

My brother, on the other hand, has been like he has always been, completely selfish and self centered, and has even lashed out at me for no reason. 

 

He never was a good son, quite the opposite, he made my mom cry more times than I can remember, and the same for my dad, and he was incredible selfish even towards my grandma, my mom's mom, when she got sick.

 

Anyhow, my point being, it does hurt, on top of the incredible hurt that I feel, to know that even though I looked after my mom's estate in record time, two months, and put my life on hold during that time and did everything on his behalf, including organizing the funeral and cremation and my mom's belongings, all on my own, my brother doesn't give a toss about me.

 

Anyway, we have a long way to go with our grief. I feel that every day I am sad then OK, then sad again, I cry, I feel angry, I feel confused, etc, etc, but we need to try to help ourselves, by going to support groups and/or talking to a bereavement counselor, exercising, eating, sleeping, reading, meditating, praying (looking after our own souls), etc, etc, because our moms wanted us to live and make the best out of our existence.

 

If you wish to talk further, I am here for you, I just wanted to say that I completely understand your anger and sorrow, and that you should feel very proud for you loved your mom very deeply and did everything that you could to make her happy.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Dan.  What a beautiful and heart-filled post about your mom.  I’m so so sorry for the passing of your dear mom, and thank you for sharing how close you are to your mom, and how much a part of her you are. 

 

As someone who lost both her mom and dad in November of 2013, within 2 days of one another, I understand some of the pain you must be going through.  Your post showed just how much you love your mom.  She really does sound like a wonderful mom, and she really is a big part of you.  And you, you are a really good son!  The fact that you moved out (which is perfectly normal, since you’re a 24 year old guy, in the prime of his life), has nothing to do with what happened.  Still, that won’t help you get rid of the guilt, since guilt is part of what happens to all of us during grieving.  We question absolutely everything we did, we wonder what we could’ve done to avoid this, and we wish we had done more of this, and less of that, and yet almost all the time there was nothing we could’ve done to avoid it, and it hurts so much.  You spent a lot of time with her, and she knows in her heart how much you love her, and that you are her son, and she noticed everything you did for her.  That’s what’s important.  You did the right thing.  Some moms don’t have sons who spend time with their moms, but your mom knew you were not one of those.

 

It’s logical that you have no desire to do anything.  The body and the mind mourn those we love, those we miss, those we need.  Your grieving (and all the pain that comes with it) is a testament to the love you have for your mom, and how much she means to you, now and always. 

 

I send you and your mom peace and grace.

Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later.

 

At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did.

 

When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her.

 

My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time.

 

I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died.

 

Ann 'Noreen' Johnson

 

1957-2014

RIP mum

[notcoping76]

Hi Dan, I to lost my mother at the age of 56 it will be 2 years ago March 27th and her was unexpected also. She had gone to work that morning and had slipped and fell, never gave it a second thought. She went home and was commenting on the fact that her body hurt and as she sat down to have dinner she fell once again and became unresponsive. My stepfather called me 45 minutes later and told me she was in the ambulance and was not responding. I live 45 minutes from the hospital and jumped in the car rushed to the emergency room where I found her cold to the touch and blue in color. I allowed them to put a drain into her brain to allow fluid to drain, within 15 minutes she began fighting with the doctors. The moved her to neurological ICU and we met with the neurology doctor where he informed us that she has a severe cerebral hemorrhage and was in serious/fatal condition. I stayed the night with her and the next morning the ICU doctor came in and spoke with me that things were slightly better but she was far from being healthy. It was decided that she would keep her ventilator in for a few days to allow her body to begin the healing process. There were signs of improvement and she was alert and responsive. The following morning the ventilator doctor came in and decided to remove her vent tube. Well she was okay for about a day and half and things started getting worse again. So it was decided to put the vent tube back in and all was well. I spend every morning, afternoon and night at her bedside. As the week went on she was making leaps and bounds, they were prepping her to be moved from ICU to a regular room to start therapy as she had minor paralysis on her left side. Well they once again removed the vent tube and things went down hill purdy quickly, Monday the 25th they removed the vent tube to scope her throat as they were prepping to insert a traec tube to help her with therapy and breathing. Well @ 4:00 I received a call that I needed to get to the hospital straight away. When I returned to the hospital I was informed that she throat had collapsed and they attempted to give her CPR for an hour and was finally able to get the tube back in. Tuesday March 26th @ 4:37am she took her last breathe. I was fortunate enough to tell her goodbye but even at that it does not ease the pain. Since her passing her husband (my stepfather of 23 years) has had absolutely no contact with me. I have been dealing with everything the wrong way by making alcohol my savior. Unfortunately a week ago my boyfriend of 8 years left me because he said I needed to seek help for the pain I am suffering. I am very sorry for you and your loss if you need to talk I am here for you. Thanks for listening.

[cindyjane]

Hi Dan and others who shared here.  I am so sorry for all of your losses.  Dan, I hope that you find comfort in knowing that you were there during the last days of your mom's life.  She wasn't alone and I honestly believe that even though people aren't responsive, they are well aware of our presence.  In regard to the guilt thing, I felt that too after my mom passed away this past October but gratefully I shook it off.  The sadness of losing her was quite enough to go through.  I know that none of our parents would want us to be feeling guilty.  They know that we all did our best to be good sons and daughters.  We are human which means we are not perfect and our parents know that.  Take care and God bless us all with peace and comfort.  Cindy

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Let me start off by saying my father has been a smoker his entire life. He never has eaten healthy, he's never exercised. He's never watched blood pressure though the doctor specifically told him to do so. He even bought a blood pressure monitor and only used it one time.

 

I watched my father come back in from having a cigarette and then lay on the floor on the morning of January 22nd, 2014. He was trying to catch his breath because he had developed emphysema and it would cause him to struggle to breathe. He continued to smoke even after the first time this happened and had no plan on quitting. These attacks were happening more and more frequently and he'd just lay down and it would eventually stop after a few hours and he could breathe normally again. Little did I know, this time was different. He actually began to bleed inside his brain during that same time. It turns out he had an undetected brain aneurysm which had ruptured. He may have potentially had it his entire life, and never knew. He was dying there on the floor, even though he was still awake and talking to me and everything.

 

He actually stood up and walked to the kitchen, but then he felt dizzy and had to lay back down. He asked me to go make some food that we were planning on having. He even had me help him up to the go to the bathroom. I had no idea that he would be dead soon. I left him there without getting him help for hours. Hours. He eventually just passed out and never woke back up, dying 3 days later. He was only 62.

 

I don't know how to be myself anymore after this. How do you keep on living knowing your dad doesn't get to, and yet he might have been able to? My dad was the biggest part of my life. He was my best friend. He was the integral force that kept me going each day. Living without him isn't living anymore. This is just pure misery and I have no idea how to make the pain stop. Try as I might, it just resurfaces more intensely every day that I am without him. I know it was only an accident, but I should have known better. I should have known it wasn't just a stupid breathing thing... I keep asking myself, why didn't he just tell me to call 911? All he had to say were two words: call 911. Would he rather die than be admitted to the hospital? Is that really how stubborn he could be? How could he not have known something so deadly was wrong in his head?

 

In regard to the whole guilt thing, it is definitely the one part of this that I wish I could make disappear. The anger, the sadness, the loneliness I can deal with relatively well but the guilt is absolutely destroying me. I know what happened to my dad wasn't my fault, it was no one's fault, but yet since he is gone the only person left to blame is myself. I blame me but I don't want to. I have criticized myself every waking moment of every day since he passed away 3 weeks ago. I can't make it stop no matter how hard I try.

 

I still feel like his death could have been prevented, even though his health and so many other factors were all against him. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know how serious it was. He would never had willingly went to the hospital, absolutely no way. I replay the whole scenario over and over in my head doing the things I should have done. He was most likely going to die either way given the deadly nature of aneurysm ruptures, but he at least would have had a sliver of a chance. If I had gotten him help and he still died, maybe I wouldn't feel this guilty. I lay awake at night and tell him how sorry I am that this happened. I beg him for my forgiveness, for him not to hate me. I honestly wish it was me instead, but I know he would be crushed just as badly if the roles were reversed.

 

I've been waiting for my dad to at least contact me in some way, shape or form. But it's to no avail. He won't even talk to me at this point, that's how pissed off at me he is. He wants nothing to do with me as far as I can tell. I can't stay asleep long enough to even have any dreams, so maybe if I can manage to do so I'll be able to talk with him and find out if he forgives me or not. 

 

I put up a good front on this forum by acting like I am doing alright with the whole situation. I try to give advice to other people but when it comes to me, I never take my own advice. I act like I'm going to get through this but it's exactly the opposite. I can't live like this. This guilt is breaking me apart from the inside out. Everyone who I have spoken to about it says it's not my fault, but who's fault can it be except mine? It certainly wasn't his fault. He told me his head hurt, that was it. He never wanted help, and I consciously made the decision to not help him. I thought it would go away. I thought he'd be fine. I need him, I can't do this on my own...

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa