Members Sammijo2424 Posted February 13, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Saturday, Feb 8th marked one year since my love passed away. I flew to California 4 days before to be with my daughter and grand kids because I just did not want to be alone and I wanted to be as far from home as possible. My daughter decided I needed a major distraction that day so we all went to Disneyland, at times that day it was very difficult, but....surprisingly I had some happy moments with my grand kids too. I made it thru the day, I survived it. I have now passed all the many, many firsts. Today I am back home reflecting on the past year and I think...where did it go. I have been like a zombie, just trying to survive each day, just existing, my bed is so, so tired of me just lying in it day after day, lol. I still miss him as much as I did in the beginning, but I have finally come to the conclusion that he is not coming back, I still ask myself, How can this be, how can he really just be gone, I still yearn for his kiss, his touch, his love for me, I hate doing things alone, I HATE being alone, i still cry...but, it has become more bearable. I am not sure that I am to the point of accepting it, and I still have some anger toward God, I still spend some days just laying in bed, not wanting to acknowledge the world around me.I feel my church abandoned me, no one visited or called, most of his family has ostracized me, not speaking to me. I have learned so much thru this experience, most of it not good, I have learned I only have one true friend, and also that my children and grandchildren love me so, so much. I have realized that I have allowed my church to affect my personal relationship with God, I have allowed his family to beat me down, but now I know it is time for change. Sunday I start my search for a new church, I now pray for his family every day, and am trying my best to forgive. My husband was the most forgiving man I ever knew, even forgiving his brother for an 8 year affair with his ex-wife, (while my husband was married to her) I don't think I could ever forgive that. I try wholeheartedly to forgive my church, his family, but that does not mean I need to have them in my life. I have to start a new life for myself, I have to join the world again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted February 13, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sammi!!! I was just thinking about you wondering how everything went! I'm glad that you were able to enjoy moments of "that day" with your family. I am so sad today. I miss Jerry so much. If I let myself really feel it I break down. Tomorrow, Valentines Day, two years ago he showed up as a surprise. I can still see him standing here in my office with flowers. He had on a red tee shirt and he looked so handsome! We went to lunch and it was such a special day. I miss him, God how I miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted February 13, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sammijo, so glad you were able to find some happy moments during that difficult day. I have already made plans to take a couple of days off around my day in April and take the kids somewhere - no way I want to be at home. One thing I have discovered in this - and it sounds like you have as well - it will reveal who your true friends are very quickly and weed out people who aren't necessarily adding to your life. I like your attitude and your desire to change things for the better. I wish you blessings on that journey and hope it brings you some happiness. Goodness knows you deserve it! Judy, I feel you about Valentines Day. I know tomorrow will be hard for you imagining Jerry there to take you to lunch. I want to just pretend the day doesn't exist, and I've been trying to shut everything out that relates to it, but that doesn't seem to be possible, so I guess I will just sit here and wallow tomororrow, and feel sorry for myself. Not necessarily the healthiest thing to do, but I don't think I can help it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sammijo2424 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 I also dread tomorrow but all my brothers and sisters and their partners are going out to eat together, I don't even remember the last time we were all together, except my husband's funeral, and I don't remember much of that. I am going with my one and only friend.Judy, I also miss my husband so much it hurts and the mere thought of valentine day intensifies it. I will be praying for you and well, all of us that have lost our loves. MissingDaniel, I agree, tomorrow I know I will just be feeling sorry for myself and be in bed until time to go, yet another day to just get thru, but I know in my heart my Ron would want me to be happy and remembering his love for me, and my love for him, he will always be the love of my life even if my some chance there is another, which I still cannot even imagine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted February 15, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 15, 2014 Sammi, So sorry my dear! This is a day I have not looked forward to since it happened.. The year mark for me is today (well by date tomorrow) and I just cant get out of my funk. My thoughts are with you and know that even though so many people let you down, you have so many people here that want to bring you up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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