Happiness is a choice

[backyarder1]

I've spent a good part of my life reading self-help books and a lot of those have been about happiness. They all say that "happiness is a choice" and that we each just have to CHOOSE to be happy. Okay, that makes sense, even if it isn't always easy.

I think one thing that I did, and maybe many people do, is that I made my happiness dependent on my husband. HE was what made me happy. My life with HIM was what defined my happiness. Of course, in hindsight, that wasn't a great thing to do, but I did it. And now that he is gone, I have to figure out what ELSE would make me happy in his place.

Many people say that when you start therapy, you need to get ready for some stuff that might not be very pleasant. But what I think I have already learned is that I don't really KNOW how to be happy on my own, without someone else being the source of that happiness. Which is really a very bad thing. I think my mother was dependent on us, her children, to make her happy. And I think many other parents are like that. And then there are the people like me, who are dependent on their significant others for their happiness.

So I know that the answer isn't to try to find a PET that will make me happy or a JOB that will make me happy or another PERSON that will make me happy. What I need to figure out is how to be happy on my own. I need to find happiness that is NOT dependent on anyone or anything but me.

But holy mother of macaroni! How in the heck does someone all of a sudden learn to make themselves happy while they are wallowing in grief?

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear backyarder1,

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. I've lived with my dad my entire life, and that was what made me happy. He died 2 weeks ago and now I feel like I can never be happy again. I depended on him to keep me sane throughout this journey we call life. I depended on him to always be there to talk to and know exactly what to say. I depended on him because he gave me a purpose in life, my purpose was to be his son and now that he's gone, what is my purpose? Where can I find happiness? Certainly not with another human being, I'd still always miss my dad.

 

I was always in my own little world, just my dad and I. Our lives together turned stagnant as we stuck to the same routine each and every day. But his sudden death has flipped my world on its head. I never really knew how much of my happiness was involved with being around him until he wasn't here anymore.

 

I never thought that I would lose him, at least not yet. But he's gone now and all that happiness that I felt with him is no where to be found now. If he was never my dad, I don't think I would ever know what true happiness could ever feel like. Now that I have felt it, I want to feel it again. More than anything. I know it can never be the same no matter what I do, but some other form of happiness would be nice.

 

I do have a pet, he is a weenie dog named Toby. He can't make me happy. It's actually painful just to look at him. There are too many memories of my dad and him sitting on his chair together. My dad would always go out for a smoke and then Toby would fidget around and my dad would have to always tell him to move over so he could sit back down. Every single time, without fail. Most of the time I have been getting extremely annoyed with the dog because he always demands your attention. I'm sitting here grieving, sobbing my eyes out and he stands on his hind legs and wants me to pick him up. Who does that?

[HeyJude]

Dogs do that.  They are very sensitive to your feelings and believe it or not, that little weenie dog is grieving too.  Be kind to Toby. your dad would want that.  I have my husband's dog.  She hasn't been the same since my husband died.  She is grieving him hard.  She will actually sit and look at his picture and if I ask her "is that your daddy?" she gets all excited.  I know that my husband would want me to take the best care of her as I possibly could which is what I'm doing.

 

Your job now, as your fathers son, is to keep his legacy going.  I know how hard it is and how painful it is.  My son is having a hard time dealing with his father's death as well.  But I don't think your dad would want that.  Try to reflect on all that your dad taught you because honey, he really was preparing you for this time.  Take what he taught you and fly!!  Your dad is always with you.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I can't fly when he has always been my wings. I know he would want me to persevere through all of this, but I can't find a source of happiness no matter where I look. He was more than just my dad, he was my best friend and basically my spouse. He was a live-in, best friend, go to guy for anything kind of spouse to me and always had been. I really did rely on him for everything, as backyarder1 admitted to doing too.  It probably wasn't healthy to rely on one person for all of my happiness, because I knew this day would have to come eventually.

 

I can't do anything without thinking about him, and if I stop thinking about him it just makes me feel like I am not honoring his legacy enough. He gave me everything, he made me into the person I am, and in return I gave him nothing. He deserves all the recognition in the world for all he has done for me but I feel like I can never be enough to live up to that. I'll never compare to him. It sucks.

 

I am trying my best with Toby and he is I know he doesn't mean to be, but he has always been a handful. My dad loves him dearly so I will do my best to treasure him. I know he can tell something is off without my dad here. He keeps jumping up onto the couch to lay down instead, he never did that before my dad died. He won't even get up on my dad's chair anymore. It's not the same without him and he knows it.

[obakesan]

All of a sudden ... no, I don't think so.

Maybe its like learning another language. It takes time and you have to want to.

Some people seem to stay unhappy forever.