Just getting worse and worse

[backyarder1]

It's been over three months since my husband passed away and I swear the grief and sadness are worse now than they have ever been. I'm not sure why. Maybe because the more time that goes by, the more real it all is.

But I just can't seem to control my crying any more. It is almost constant. I feel like I am drowning in it. And I don't want to call anyone and let them know because....well, there is nothing they can do. So I just sit and cry alone. It doesn't help for anyone to call. There is nothing they can say.

I do have one friend who calls about once a week and when she does, I pull myself together and tell her that everything is fine. I think she calls because she KNOWS me. She knows that I was so depressed at one time that I just wanted to die and she was there for me then. One of the people who got me out of it.

And although I feel that sad now, I don't want her to think that I need saving. I don't feel like I do.....yet. And I know that IF I ever do get that low, I will need to call her and call other friends.....try to call around and find a safety net of people who will sit with me and help me through it.

I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow so I'm hoping he can help. But today is an absolutely beautiful day outside and all I can do is sit and cry.

[traveler1959]

I will be praying for you. Just remember this feeling won't last forever, happiness is just around the corner,stay strong. God bless you Betsy

[Austykatie]

I can relate! I am sitting here in a pile of tears myself. I think it gets worse before it gets better however this year mark is really doing something to me. I am lonesome for Jim this very moment that all I can do is cry. I don't want to be around anyone, because like you they don't understand,. I m not even sure if they did understand I would want them to be around me.

[backyarder1]

Thanks Traveler and Austykatie. I'm not sure anti-depressants will help but I may have to get on some if they will. This is just unbearable.

[traveler1959]

All I can say is the pills help me to deal with this

 

[Alone]

December was a really tough month for me and I don't think it was because of the holidays. I think that's when I truly accepted that my Tom, his physical being, was not coming back.

Please be kind to yourselves as you move through these hard days.

[HeyJude]

It does get worse before it gets better.  At three months in I was a wreck.  That is still so very new.  I think by three months the reality has sunk in, the shock has worn off and life is trying to return to normal, whatever that may be.  Even a year is hard, I just passed that.  I still cry, I still miss Jerry more than ever.  But something softens, it really does.  It gets more bearable.  I know that my husband wouldn't want me to be sitting around crying and hurting so bad.  So I try to just go about my business as if he were still here.  I do exactly what I was doing before he passed.  A lot of the times I feel like I'm just going through the motions but that's okay.  I'm trying to live as if he were right here with me.

[backyarder1]

It is just passed three months for me and it might be what some of you (and others) have said. The reality is just starting to sink in. I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me with their kindness.

[obakesan]

I got worse before I started to feel less worse.

There are moments when I feel OK, moments when I laugh at things, times when I just cry.

When people said to me of was a roller coaster, it seems they were right. Hell I don't even know where the middle is anymore.