Losing My Everything and Quitting My Job

[sarahkahuna]

This is my first post on this forum... Not really sure where to start... 

I guess I should mention that I'm 20 years old. My dad (aka my BEST friend, my be all and end all, my travelling companion, my workout partner, my mentor, the single greatest person I have ever known) passed away in early October after an extremely short illness with cancer. Since then, my grief has gone in circles. For long periods of time, or perhaps a moment, I can feel almost entirely numb - just devoid of feeling any sadness, happiness, or anything in between. But in other moments, I can feel extremely anxious, depressed, and I have a lot of suicidal thoughts (despite not actually feeling the need to act on them if that makes sense). 

 

In December, I quit my job of 3 years at a clothing store and started a new one at a nearby gym as well as attending 3rd year university full time. I thought the gym would be a nice change for me, and that I'd really enjoy this type of work, and I think I would in different circumstances... But even though I've only been working 2 nights a week, I've found the job to be really anxiety-inducing for me. I can't focus like I used to be able to, and it just all feels like too much. So after a lot of thinking, I gave my two-weeks notice. But now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. Here's why:

1.) I've always worried about money and not having enough of it. Even though I inherited a lot of it and I had some money saved before any of this happened, I don't like not having an income. It scares me.

2.) Maybe more downtime will just hurt my mental health rather than help it. 

3.) I hate quitting things. I NEVER quit things.

 

But on the other hand, I feel like I just need a bit more of a break and to focus on school for a bit... They told me they might like to rehire me at a different time...

I'm sorry this is so long. THANK YOU if you've actually read this far. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I didn't make a really bad decision...I think I'm just being paranoid and overthinking it but if there's anyone out there who's been through similar circumstances, please lend some advice! 

Thanks xo

[cindyjane]

Hi sarah

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.  I lost my mom in October and nothing is the same.  I don't think that we will ever get over these losses but will be able to navigate our way through life until we are joined with our loved ones again.  I truly believe that. 
 

It sounds like you are trying new and different things and there is nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes a change is a good thing even if it doesn't really feel like it at first.  We just have to keep on plugging away and always remember that our loved ones who have left us, would want us to carry on the best that we can.  Take care

Cindy

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Sarah.  Being so young and losing your dad (and best friend - not a lot of people can claim that) is so incredibly hard.  I lost both my parents 2 months ago, and within 2 days, and it's very hard on me.  You're so young that I can only imagine how much harder it must be. 

 

I have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind?

 

1.  In the past, who else besides your dad did you trust and confide in?  Obviously, he was your best friend, but was there anyone else you could talk to?  Is there anyone else you can talk to with any degree of depth?

 

2.  Have you reached out to 1-800-273-TALK?  It's a really helpful national organization that will discuss whatever is on your mind.  They are also suicide counselors, but more importantly, they'll send you to counselors that you can see for free, and you probably need that.  We who have lost loved ones, need someone to talk to.  

 

I know that this is the worst time to ask you to reach out to anyone else, because you're beside yourself with grief, sadness, FEAR, and a feeling of hopelessness, and all you want is your dad, but this is exactly the time that you have to reach out to others to throw you a lifeline and guide you a little bit.  Do you know what I mean?

 

More importantly, you know your dad better than anyone.  What do you think your dad would want you to do right now?  Probably reach out. 

 

And as for hope.  My wonderful mom was orphaned at a relatively young age.  A tragedy, of course.  However, she grew up to make a wonderful mom and make a wonderful life for others and for herself, and this is what her mom wanted for her. 

 

Things will go well for you, you'll see.  It's just that right now things don't feel so good. 

 

 

 

 

This is my first post on this forum... Not really sure where to start... 

I guess I should mention that I'm 20 years old. My dad (aka my BEST friend, my be all and end all, my travelling companion, my workout partner, my mentor, the single greatest person I have ever known) passed away in early October after an extremely short illness with cancer. Since then, my grief has gone in circles. For long periods of time, or perhaps a moment, I can feel almost entirely numb - just devoid of feeling any sadness, happiness, or anything in between. But in other moments, I can feel extremely anxious, depressed, and I have a lot of suicidal thoughts (despite not actually feeling the need to act on them if that makes sense). 

 

In December, I quit my job of 3 years at a clothing store and started a new one at a nearby gym as well as attending 3rd year university full time. I thought the gym would be a nice change for me, and that I'd really enjoy this type of work, and I think I would in different circumstances... But even though I've only been working 2 nights a week, I've found the job to be really anxiety-inducing for me. I can't focus like I used to be able to, and it just all feels like too much. So after a lot of thinking, I gave my two-weeks notice. But now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. Here's why:

1.) I've always worried about money and not having enough of it. Even though I inherited a lot of it and I had some money saved before any of this happened, I don't like not having an income. It scares me.

2.) Maybe more downtime will just hurt my mental health rather than help it. 

3.) I hate quitting things. I NEVER quit things.

 

But on the other hand, I feel like I just need a bit more of a break and to focus on school for a bit... They told me they might like to rehire me at a different time...

I'm sorry this is so long. THANK YOU if you've actually read this far. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I didn't make a really bad decision...I think I'm just being paranoid and overthinking it but if there's anyone out there who's been through similar circumstances, please lend some advice! 

Thanks xo

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Sarah,

 

I relate to you in a lot of ways. I am only 25, and I lost my dad just 2 weeks ago. He was my best friend, my trusted adviser, basically the only person I could ever fully rely on. He's gone and I know I can't change that, but I just feel at times all hope is lost. Sometimes I want to give up on my own life so I can be with him again. I know I could never go through with it, but those thoughts do occasionally arise. I try so hard to block out those kinds of feelings because I know my dad wouldn't give up on me, so I can't give up on myself.

 

I have a lot, and I mean a lot, of guilt over my father's death. I couldn't even imagine trying to hold a stable job or anything of the sort in the way I am right now. This kind of event shakes your entire being to the core. You need to worry about your own health right now, not about making money. Focus on what's important right now: your well being and your healing. Focus on getting your thoughts together before you jump into anything. When you really feel you are ready, only then should you begin to pursue work. That may take months, that may take years, but don't feel like you have to do anything just because of paranoia. You just lost a huge part of your life. Your life isn't the same anymore, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to try to pretend like it is. You need to take it as slowly and easily as you need.

 

There is still hope for all of us. My own mother's mom died when she was just 16. I really don't know how she did it, but she persevered and even took care of her brother and sister, basically raising them on her own. When things feel like they can't get any worse, that most likely means they can't. The worst of it is over, now all that is left is to continue on through your journey, wherever it takes you.

[sarahkahuna]

Thank you guys so much for your responses and understanding. It really means a lot to me. Even though we all have different stories and different ways of grieving, it's nice to be able to talk with people who can at least relate to me on a level that my friends and peers might not be able to.

To answer the question about "reaching out", I am talking to a counsellor regularly and have a wonderful relationship with my dad's girlfriend. I don't know what I'd do without her, quite frankly. 

Thank you so much for supporting me in leaving my part-time job as well... I'm still having doubts about it, but just trying to focus on me. It's hard because I knew if I came to my dad with this problem, he would know exactly what to do and say, and he'd explain it in a way that comforted me and made me wonder why I'd never thought of it before. I think maybe the reason that I feel insecure about leaving the job is because the last thing I've EVER wanted to do was disappoint my dad (although according to him, I never have). But now that he's not here, it's hard for me to make these decisions by myself. 

I've always done and accomplished everything in my life with my dad in mind. I struggled with depression and anxiety while he was alive, and often times, it was nothing but his inspiration and my desire to make him proud that got me out of bed in the morning. I know I can still carry that with me, but I'm just saying it's extremely difficult.

Thanks so much again.

- Sarah

[sarahkahuna]

Thank you so so much for this post. I'll probably read it daily for the next little bit! Haha thank you for your thoughts, and I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

Dear Sarah,

 

I relate to you in a lot of ways. I am only 25, and I lost my dad just 2 weeks ago. He was my best friend, my trusted adviser, basically the only person I could ever fully rely on. He's gone and I know I can't change that, but I just feel at times all hope is lost. Sometimes I want to give up on my own life so I can be with him again. I know I could never go through with it, but those thoughts do occasionally arise. I try so hard to block out those kinds of feelings because I know my dad wouldn't give up on me, so I can't give up on myself.

 

I have a lot, and I mean a lot, of guilt over my father's death. I couldn't even imagine trying to hold a stable job or anything of the sort in the way I am right now. This kind of event shakes your entire being to the core. You need to worry about your own health right now, not about making money. Focus on what's important right now: your well being and your healing. Focus on getting your thoughts together before you jump into anything. When you really feel you are ready, only then should you begin to pursue work. That may take months, that may take years, but don't feel like you have to do anything just because of paranoia. You just lost a huge part of your life. Your life isn't the same anymore, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to try to pretend like it is. You need to take it as slowly and easily as you need.

 

There is still hope for all of us. My own mother's mom died when she was just 16. I really don't know how she did it, but she persevered and even took care of her brother and sister, basically raising them on her own. When things feel like they can't get any worse, that most likely means they can't. The worst of it is over, now all that is left is to continue on through your journey, wherever it takes you.