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[Guest Kirbibizzle]

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[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh,

 

Listen to me, I can totally and completely understand what you are feeling.  It sounds to me like you had the experience

of your dad coming in, out of breath, lying on the floor, many times.  Yes, he said his head hurt, but perhaps the situation

was one you had been through so many times that you thought it was a normal headache from trying to catch his breath.

YOU HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING what it was.  Also, even if you had called 911 sooner, do you really believe the outcome

would have been different?  What if your dad lived and was in a vegetative state for the rest of his life?  What you want that?  Would he?  It sounds to me like you have been a very devoted son and obviously he was a very devoted father to you.

Its not fair that he left you so soon.  It's not fair that my Mom left me so soon either. 

Can I ask you something? Do you find any peace knowing he is whole again?  He is perfectly whole, no pain, no suffering.

You are not responsible for his death.  And to tell you the truth, it sounds like your dad was crazy about you and would be pretty ticked at you for blaming yourself.

You find something to hold on to you hear me?

I feel that way too, but I am holding onto the promise of the reunion I will get one day in Heaven.  Plus I have family and friends who need me.  I dont know your relationship with your mom, but I am sure she would not want anything to happen to you.

You are not alone.  You did nothing to cause this.

Keep the conversation going.  Keep saying what you need to say, get it all out.  Talk more about your dad. 

 

Do NOT give up!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

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[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh,

 

One thing I have learned in the last 6 weeks is that the guilt can kill us.

 

I was with my Mom to the doctor a month and a half before she died and he gave her

a clean bill of health.

 

A few weeks before she passed there was box in her bedroom (the flat kind that goes under the bed).

She kept her Christmas wrap in it.  She had it out and in an odd spot.  I mentioned it to her, that I was concerned she might trip over it.  She told me not to worry about it as she had been walking by it 10 times a day.  When I found her she was on the floor near that spot.  Why did I not move that box?

Did she fall over it?  When the death certificate came is said "Sudden Cardiac Death."  So did she have a heart attack and fall over the box or did she fall over the box and have a heart attack?  I was with her the night before until 9pm.  I believe it was within a couple of hours after I left (just because of the circumstances when I found her) that she passed.  Why didn't I stay later?  Why didn't I stay the night?

Why did I ever decide to have my own home?  After my dad died two years ago why didn't move in with her?  If I had just moved that box she might still be here with me today.  Guilt is a killer.  It kills my heart and it kills my soul.  It is doing the same thing to you.

 

I would give ANYTHING to have my Mom back.  Anything.  I love her more than anyone or anything and my heart has been ripped out and torn to shreds. 

 

Will all of this being said I know for certain that my Mom and your dad would definitely be pissed at us for feeling this way.  I am pretty sure they are watching us both as we type to eachother and just shaking their heads.

 

Think about the reunion...

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

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