Missing You

[lifesdash]

Today marks three weeks since you left this place.  The past 21 days have been a flood of emotion.  At first adrenaline carried me through; I wanted to make sure the services were just right and everything was planned as perfectly as you deserve.  Then, as the days wore on, the reality began to set in.  

 

Tonight for example, once the winter storm warning popped up on my phone, I waited for you to call me and tell me all the details and make sure I knew to be safe and stop by the grocery store... but you didn't call... you will never call again.  Each new day comes with a new realization that life as I knew it will never be the same.  

 

I feel like the person I was while you were alive died with you, how could it not, that person couldn't carry on with out you.  Now I have had to try and figure out who I am in a world where you are no longer living.  I took a long look at the roads that lay ahead and tried to look down each path as far as I could see and pick which route to take.

 

One path was dark, but if I took that road, it appeared the pain was hidden in the shadows.  The other road was full of light, but it was all up hill and the pain of losing you was at every turn; but somehow I just knew you were at the top of the hill, waiting for me. The choice was clear, I had to make you proud, I had be the person I knew you were telling me to be, I had to take the path you had made for me.

 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but what could the reason be for this?  How could this tragedy not shake my very beliefs?  Then it hit me, I can choose to believe whatever I want; whatever I choose to be the reason, will be the reason.  So I choose to honor the amazing mother you were, you are.  I choose to believe that you had to leave this world so that you could help me find my true place in it.  

 

From this moment on, I took the up hill road.  I quit smoking, alcohol, soda, fried food, fast food, processed sugar, started yoga, started learning how to cook healthy meals, and each day I ask myself how can I be better.  While this may all seem like a bit obsessive and over the top, we all grieve differently, and for me this helps.  That's not to say the tears don't work there way into each day, especially now that I have embraced total sober living.  If anything, I have no way to hide the tears, no shortcuts for pushing the sadness into the shadows.  

 

Over the past two years I have had my own health issues, not 36 hours before my mother passed I was in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator and I am only 27.  I was sent home, only to receive the call the following morning.  That is why I choose to believe my mother gave me this gift, this gift at a new healthy life.  She gave me the motivation I needed to make the positive life changes I had to make.  I may not have cared enough about my own health to do it for myself, but I can and will do it for you mom.  Since making the decision to climb the hill to you, I haven't faltered once and even if I do have a slip up somewhere along the road, all is not lost, I know you are now with me in every moment and you will pick me up and we will walk together.

 

I love you mom, more than works can ever truly describe.

 

Another angel taken far to young... 4/1/55 - 1/15/14 ...but as a favorite poem of mine says, the dates aren't what's important, the only thing that really matters is that little dash and mom you sure had a beautiful dash.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I am not great about talking about my feelings with people, I don't like to burden anyone, so I thought it would help if I wrote a letter describing how I felt to the one person I could tell anything, my mom.

[Jillbus]

Dear lifesdash,

Your words were so meaningful and I could relate to all of it.  I lost my Mom unexpectedly 6 weeks ago. 

Every breathing moment is so hard.  I hope you have faith that we WILL see them again one day.

All we can do it try to get up each day and keep moving because we know that is what our Mom's would want for us.

Its hard to know it in your head, but not feel it in your heart.  That is how I feel.  My head and heart are completely disconneceted right now.

My Mom was my everything and my existence is shattered and its like a puzzle that has a beautiful picture and is not thrown up in the air and is in a million pieces.  Its hard to fathom finding happiness again..

I pray we can find a small bit of peace today.

[lifesdash]

Jillbus,

I feel your pain. I am very much a literal thinker, my brain helps me get through life's obstacled, but my brain is no help dealing with this. With this obstacle I have to let my heart lead the way, which at times feels almost impossible as it is currently shattered.

One of the toughest parts for me is being home. Almost everything I own is from my mom and while I treasure every dish, every curtain, every picture it is so overwhelming to be surrounded by it all. I wish I knew how long it would take for me to look at these things and feel as happy as I used.

I miss her so much it hurts... People say it gets easier but over the past weeks it has only gotten harder. When does it start to hurt less? ....

[Jillbus]

I know for sure that we will never stop missing them.  Of that I am certain.  Like you, I am completely surrounded by my Mom's presence.  EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I try to find strength in knowing

she raised me to be a strong person, and I want to so much to make her proud just as I did when she was still here with me.  However, my heart too, is leading me, and it is hard.  I think we have to  believe in the fact that with time it will somehow get to a point where it is bearable, then where the pain is less frequent.

I have started counseling and I am really glad I did.  Sometimes talking to my family and friends ( I do have a large support system), is not enough.  I am seeing someone through my church as well as a regular therapist.  I believe this is going to help.

Sometimes I dont want the hurt to stop, because then I feel like it is taking away from my Mom...

I guess we have to have faith that it will hurt less when we are ready.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear lifesdash,

 

I lost my father just 10 days after you lost your mother. It was so sudden, one day here, three days later, gone. He had a brain aneurysm which ruptured that he may have been walking around with his entire life. The mortality rate of ruptured brain aneurysms is apparently 40%. I can't change the way it ended, but I so desperately wish he was in the other 60%.

 

I am only 25 years old, and I have been really struggling with coming to terms with this. I know he would never have wanted me to suffer this miserably because of how much I miss him, but he was pretty much the biggest impact on my life. He was my everything. I've lived with him since before I could remember. Every single thing I've learned in my short life was because of him. He's saved me more times than I could count, and yet I couldn't save him this one time. I am so thankful for everything he did for me, but at the same time, why couldn't he had died of natural causes? Why would something so terrible take him from me so suddenly?

 

My father left everything he owned to me, and now I sit here alone with no one to share it all with. I am surrounded by his house, his possessions, his life. It doesn't feel like the same house anymore without him. It just feels so empty and cold here. He was always here to bring the happiness I've always taken for granted.

 

I hope he knows how happy I am, and always will be, to be called his son.

[Trish91]

Dear Jillbus and Lifedash,

 

Knowing that there are others who are suffering as much as I am is a source of great comfort to me, as it makes me feel that what I am experiencing is normal.

 

I lost my mom on the 17th of December 2013 to stage IV lung cancer, and I struggle with the pain every single day. I cry every day, I feel anxious every day, I feel despondent about a future without her, and I miss her every single moment of every single day. Sometimes the longing is unbearable, and I never thought one could hurt as much as I have, as I am.

 

I am about to return to the country where I live, as I live overseas, and in two months I had to do what others do in three, six or even 12 months. I sold my mom´s apartment, I sold all its contents, I selected all the clothes and jewelry and other things, books, that I was going to keep, what I gave to my aunties, including most books, and what I am donating to a foundation that assists orphans, and I also dealt with lawyers to deal with the will and the rest of my mom´s estate, while my brother, who also lives overseas, did not really have to do anything.

 

Of course, my dad, my husband, uncles, aunties, cousins, best friends and so on really helped me out, they supported me significantly, but I had to do most things on my own. I was living in my mom´s apartment with all her things every single day for two months, and that broke my heart but at the same time made me feel closer to her. So now that the apartment is no longer, it is somehow as if I were losing my mom yet again.

 

I know those are only material things, and if my mom´s body is no longer here, who cares about those things? However, I am in shock for having to leave her home, our home, her things, her ashes, all behind. It´s as if part of me were gone and missing forever.

 

Losing my mom has been like losing a limb, two limbs, my eyesight or any other vital organ, and yet I´d give anything to have her back even if only for a few more days.

 

I know she is no longer suffering, which is a relief; however, I cannot believe that I cannot call her, touch her face, see her beautiful eyes and smile anymore. I talk to her though, every single day, and also to God.

 

I also believe that we will reunite when I die, and that is my main comfort. If I did not have this faith in God and the after life, I would not be able to cope or survive.

 

Everyday is a struggle and I wonder how I am going to cope by starting a new job.

 

May God have mercy on all of us and bring us solace, lots of faith and peace, and may we find the way to survive and make something positive out of this tragedy, because the loss of our best friend and soul mate is a real tragedy, a total disaster that has wrecked my life, but I need to keep going to honor her memory and so that when I die I can get rewarded as she did, for all her kindness, hard work, strength, love and honesty.

 

Warm regards to both of you,

 

Trish

 

[lifesdash]

Hi Trish,

 

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

 I agree, even in the very brief time since I have joined this group, I find comfort reading the posts and replies.  I have never experienced a loss like this before, and while I have an amazing support system who has been great, some part of me wants to protect them from the sadness I feel.  As much as they love me, they have no idea how I feel, and because I love them, I don't want them to now, no-one should have to know this pain.  

 

Here though, we are all in pain, and this, while crippling, unites us all.  I guess that is the point of a "support group", so please know Trish, and everyone who reads this, I can say on behalf of myself, and I am sure everyone else here, there is always someone here to listen.  if you ever just need to vent, or talk, feel free to send out a post, we are all here to give and receive this same support.

 

As far as the sadness goes, I am far too knew to this to have any answers, I am not sure anyone ever does.  I do know, however, I can tell you I honestly feel the same way.  I would give anything, literally anything, to seem my mom one more time.  She died completely unexpectedly of a heart attack, I never got to say good bye, or tell her one last time how much she meant to me, or how much I loved her...

 

Like you, I can only cling to my faith that she is watching over me now and she knows, she knows everything, how much I love her, how much I miss her, and how hard I am trying to make her proud.

 

I just still feel like I am stuck in this transition between numbness and pain and I wish that it would start to get easier.  A friend who experienced a similar loss told me it never gets easier, and at first I was discouraged, but then she said again, "It never gets easier.. we just get stronger."  I am not sure if it is in part due to the unexpected sudden nature of my mother's death, but I feel like I am having a very hard time excepting this reality....

 

I miss her so much, if only she could wrap her arms around me one more time.  I mean when you are this sad, this down, this lonely, who else but your mom knows how to make it all better?  

 

Thank you all.