My 9yr old son was murdered answering our front door

[loveyoujman]

On Nov 22, 2013 my life was changed forever.  While getting my kids ready for school - I have 3 boys, ages 17, 16 and 9 - the doorbell rang.  My oldest son and I looked at each other and wondered outloud who it could be at 730am?  We both thought or assumed it was the girls at the end of the street - maybe needed a ride to school, or borrow coffee or something.  I said outloud, ok someone get the door - and my 4th grader ran to open it.  He opened it and suddenly there was a "POP" sound, like a balloon popping.  I remember thinking "why did those girls just pop a balloon when the door opened?? are they trying to give me a heart attack!"  Instantly I looked to the noise and I saw my baby's head snap back and he immediately fell to the floor.    There was an eerie silence and I looked at my oldest son and realized what had happened - my baby was shot at point blank range in the head.  I saw my baby get shot. I rushed to him, leaning over him, put my hand over the hold that was in his temple and my other hand on the back of his head - I could feel the bullet lodged there - and screamed for someone to help my baby...over and over until EMS arrived. 

 

His eyes were closed the entire time and all the doctors at the hospital explained that he never knew what hit him.  Small blessing they said.  They said because of his age, he wouldnt have been able to comprehend what happened. 

 

The monster who shot him was my oldest son's father.  He was never involved in my son's life and I never pursued any child support from him because of his mental capacity and i was fearful he would harm me.  He shot whoever opened my door then went to another ex-girlfriend's place of employment and shot her in the stomach.  She survived.  He was an ex-boxer and his brain was essentially scrambled and he had been deterioriating for years.  He was on the verge of losing everything - no job, no home, no car and went to each person who he blamed for him being in that position.  And he came to my door first.  The fact that he had that much hatred for me to come to my door first makes me sick to my stomach.  I struggle with wondering whether or not he targeted my 4th grader or if he just shot whoever opened the door.  I have nightmares that I answered the door and he shot me then went to shoot his real target - my baby.  Mostly I replay him being shot over and over in my head - wishing i could do something.  Over and over - its torture

 

By the time we were at the hospital, the FBI and SWAT had pinged his phone and cornered him in a parking lot.  The monster had no intention of going back to jail and wanted suicide by cop.  His wish was granted and when the detective came and told me he was deceased - I cheered.  I honestly never would have thought I could be capable of cheering about the death of another human being.

 

This has been just a few months ago and I am having the hardest time dealing with my baby being gone. His brothers, my other 2 boys, are older in high school and about to graduate. My lil guy and I had made plans to do things once it was just the 2 of us and we were both really looking forward to that time.

 

I feel as though my life is over, Im nearing 40 years old and have been a single parent forever. People have suggested that I have another baby, adopt, foster a child etc.  But -  I cant stop thinking about him.  How much I want to hold him, tickle him, hear him laugh, hearing him ask me to go play.  I miss him so incredibly much.  Having another baby or child could never take his place. 

 

My support system started out strong as the shootings made the news and my community was amazing - the people who stepped forward to help and the love that was given.  But eventually it wore off - seemed like it happened right after the holidays were over (the shooting occurred a week before Thanksgiving). Everyone has gone back to their own lives and have focused on their families.  Mine is forever shattered and ive never felt so alone.  My boys luckily have things like school, work, athletic activities to keep them busy.  They have some pretty amazing friends and I couldnt be more thankful. 

 

Sure I have a handful of friends who text me and ask if Im ok and I always give the same response of "not really" and "no".  And i get the general supportive text back that says "im so sorry, I cant imagine what youre going through, let me know if you need anything" But I still sit at home alone most of the time crying my eyes out every night.  I cry while Im driving.  I cry while Im in the shower.  I cry while Im at the store.  I love my boys and my friends but Im SO ALONE.  And its painful.  SO PAINFUL.

 

I stumbled upon this site and desperately would like to hear from someone who has experienced this same pain of their child being taken from them so violently and suddenly and maybe to provide some glimmer of hope that it gets better.  Because as it is right now, I miss my son so SO much and I dont think there is a such thing as "better"

 

He was just 9yrs old.  A 4th grader.  He will never get to see middle school, never get to go on a date, never get to get his license, graduate, have a family.  He was so innocent. So amazing.  So happy.  So kind and compassionate. I would watch him sleep at times and just hold him because the love I had for him was so overwhelming.

 

I blame myself.  I wish I was the one who opened the door.  I'd tade places with him in a heartbeat.  I wish I looked out the window, saw the car and didnt open the door.  I wish he would have missed shooting him at all or shot him in the arm or somewhere that he could have survived like the other girl.

 

Im kind of tired of the "everything happens for a reason" line everyone gives me.  The only reason it happened is because I didnt protect him like a good mom should have.  And what reason is there to take the life of an amazing little boy?!

 

We donated his organs and his lungs saved the life of a little girl.  At one point someone told me that he was put here on this earth to save this little girl. And that upset me - thats not fair - why did another parent's prayers get to come true but mine fell on deaf ears when I wanted my baby saved!?  I dont regret making the decision to donate his organs one bit.  It definitely would have been something he would have wanted to do.   But is it selfish of me wishing my prayers were answered and my baby survived - which would have meant another family losing their child??!

 

Im so lost. So alone. So confused. So sad. So filled with hurt and sorrow and missing my baby.  Im honestly questioning how Im supposed to live now.  My life is ruined.  How do you get through this??

[Steve s mom]

Loveyoujman

So sorry for your loss.my son died suddenly of a cardiac arrest he was revived but not soon enough over the next several days his brain slowly died.i also donated his organs ,I like you thought maybe that's why he had to die ,so the others might live.i am not sure how I feel about that sometimes.i believe for whatever reason when it is our time to go we have no choice no control.i believe the day my son was born god had already decided the day he,d die,I don't know why.i guess I never will.dont feel guilty about your son there is nothing you could have done to save him ,no more than I could have done to save my son.we just don't have that power.

[wgreenlee]

Loveyoujman...

 

I am so very sorry... I know your pain as do we all.  My only son, Brooks, was also taken by an act of murder.  Still so hard to comprehend.  This site is a lifeline for me...post every day...numerous times some days.  We are all on this journey...and I hate that you have to be on it too...but I/we will be there for you.  Many of us post on the "Loss of an Adult Child" but age doesn't matter at all.  I would encourage you to share your beautiful son with us.  You can message me any time if you want too.  I will be thinking of you and your family.  How are your other children?  There is also a site for the older children to post on the loss of a sibling if that might help too.

 

As to how you will get through this...one minute...one hour...one day...one month at a time.  You can scream...cry...rant...be angry...whatever...and we all understand.  This is a safe place...no judgements.  I am also new so I don't have very many answers, but my grief has been helped by the friends I have met here...  There is hope, although it seems so far away right now.

 

Wade