Hit by a Mac Truck

[sugrmagnoliah]

I'm new to the whole online support forum, so I'll try to keep my first post short and sweet.

 

Three years ago, August 4, 2010, my sons 'MomMom' invited me over for lunch. This was a normal occurrence and so, I happily went. She made me a tomato sandwich and we sat and laughed for a few hours. I saw absolutely nothing wrong in her demeanor or anything of the sort. It was a Wednesday and she was going to get my oldest son the following day and kind of sent me along my way because she had to go grocery shopping and it was about to rain. She hated driving in the rain, so I didn't think twice about it and said my normal "I love you, thank you for helping me so much" good-bye and headed home. An hour later, her husband was calling me asking if I'd heard from her. Barb was her name. He said he couldn't get a hold of her and asked me to try. At this point, it was raining cats and dogs and no one could reach her, so we all started worrying. Long story short, an hour after I left, she borrowed her daughters car and drove it to a back road in her neighborhood and took her life. Shot herself in the head. I get a knot in my throat and feel sick to my stomach just typing it. I don't understand!! The police were able to 'ping' her cell phone and they were told that her signal was being picked up within a two mile radius of her home, so her husband drove around in his truck looking -- and her children, her son (my sons father) and her daughter, went driving around in his car. Her son was the one who found her. I feel so god awful for him, my heart is just completely shattered. He's never been the same.

 

I know that ultimately, I'm not the one who pulled the trigger, but I still feel like I am the one who is to blame for her not being here. Barb was a stay at home Mom and the type of woman who needed to feel needed. She kept a beautiful home and was always presentable. Her children were grown and doing their own thing, and even though her son and I were no longer together, I would go spend time with her often. I decided to join the Navy and Barb was there to take care of her grandson, Ryder, in a heartbeat. Had it not been for her, I would not have been able to join. I was gone for a total of 7 months with training and boot-camp. I measured Ryder before I left and when I came home and there was a whole inch of a difference. That was my first time being away from home for any form of extended period of time, and it really gave me the chance to sit back and get my priorities straightened out. When I came home for good, I felt like I was trying to make up for the 'inch' of my sons life that I had just missed out on... and this meant no more calling 'MomMom' up to ask to watch him while I went out. In the meantime, I got married, and was expecting my second child. I blame myself because I feel like I took away her feeling of being needed, in a way. She still saw Ryder... I just didn't go out with my friends like I used to, so the times that he stayed over weren't as frequent. Especially not when she was used to having him over every night, and living there for the past 7 months.

 

I miss her deeply and I think about her daily... asking myself why. My soul is filled with sadness and anger, trying to understand what has happened. I don't feel like I'll ever understand why! Her daughter called me screaming and crying and I felt my whole body go limp when I heard the words "She shot herself! She shot herself in the head". Those words haunt me. I was bed-ridden and could not stop crying if you cut off a limb. I just felt so devastated.

 

Then... 3 days later...

 

I was up sobbing my eyes out about Barb. She had taken her life August 4, and it was now the early morning hours of August 7. I sat up to wipe my eyes with a tissue and glance over to see a missed call and a voicemail from my Mom. The call was made at 6am that morning. I listened to my voicemail, only to find that it was not my Mom at all. It was my MomMom, and her voice gave me chills. It said "Amy honey, please call me as soon as you get this. It's about your Momma". And I knew. I don't know how, but I knew my Mom was gone too.

 

I had JUST seen my Mom the previous night. She was friends with Barb as well and we had gone to Barbs house to pay our respects. We sat there for hours with Barbs family, reminiscing about the good times that we all had together. I stand at 5'9" and my Mom was 5'2". I would always go up to her and playfully place my hands and my chin on top of her head and say "Aww... aren't you so cute?". After leaving Barbs house, I took her back to her van for her to head home. It was about 7pm, and we were crying together, trying to make sense of what Barb had done to herself. An otherwise healthy, beautiful and seemingly happy woman. Why would she take her life like that?!! I leant over and I hugged my Mom when she was still sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I looked at her and I told her that I loved her and I said, "Thank God I didn't lose you. I don't know what I would do without my Mom". My Mom was my best friend, hands down. My go-to person. ...

 

She was living with my MomMom at the time, and had apparently woken up around 5am, complaining of chest pains and asking to be taken to the hospital. En route, she allegedly said "Pray for me, Mom. I'm gone"... and fell limp in my MomMoms van. My MomMom veered off into a gas station parking lot, but there was nothing that could be done. My Mom passed from a heart attack at the age of 46.

 

I called my MomMom back, only to have my worst fears confirmed, and something happened to me in that moment. My world went completely numb. I may have even scoffed at the news and said "No... this cant be real". My husband at the time was sobbing beside me because I had my phone on speaker, and I even glanced at him and comforted him... saying "It's okay. It's not real". I knew it was. In that moment though, I couldn't process it. I had to drive home, wake my Dad up and tell him. I had to call both of my brothers and break the news to him. All of their reactions were unforgettable. The horrible twist in it, for me, was that my parents were living separately for a couple of years and planning on getting divorced, and then realized how short life was and that they still loved each other and wanted to work on their differences, in light of Barb taking her life. My Mom was going to move back home and we were all so excited. My Dad screamed loud enough for our whole court to hear him, I'm certain of it. He then asked me to take him to the hospital. We were told that we could say our good-byes but that my Mom had a breathing tube down her throat that could not be removed until an autopsy was performed. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to lose my Dad if he was driving erratically to the hospital. They led us back to her room. I didn't want to walk past her curtain but my body felt numb like it had a mind of its own and I just kept on walking anyway. I was in shock then, and at the time, felt okay. I'm not numb now and, although its been three years, the images of that day play back quite often and it just breaks me.

 

The woman that I saw on that hospital bed was NOT the same woman that I'd seen only a few hours before. She was pale and blue. I walked up to her and I hugged her... something that I normally would NEVER do. There was no heartbeat coming from my Momma. There was nothing except an eerie silence. No Motherly warmth, no nothing. I pulled a chair up beside her bed and I held her left hand... running her fingers through mine and looking at her nails... long and beautiful as usual, painted purple for the Ravens. I kept looking up at her, thinking that she would open her eyes at any moment, even with the tube still in her mouth. And she never did.

 

Barb helped me out a lot. My Mom helped me. They were both strong pillars in my life, and losing them 3 days apart from one another completely shattered who I was as a person. I'm still a far cry from the person that I was and suspect that I'll never feel like that 'Amy' again. I'm full of heart-break, full of hurt and anger, and full of questions that can never be answered. I feel as if I got smacked down by a giant wave in the ocean and when I finally went to resurface, another wave was right behind it and smacked me down again!

[sugrmagnoliah]

Where words fail, sometimes drawing heals.

 

1st picture- me (middle), standing with my mom (left) and Barb (right)

 

2nd picture- I feel as if God, or a higher power, picked me up by the tag of my shirt and flicked me into this whole new world with a whole new reality that I still struggle to try to make sense of.

 

3rd picture- Self explanatory. I feel very much alone

 

4th picture- life is going on around me. days and nights are passing and everything around me is the same, colorful thing... but all I can see when I look into the mirror is dismal

 

5th picture- I'm trying to put the pieces back together!

[MissuDad]

Hi sugrmagnoliah,

 

I´m really sorry for your losses. If one is devastating, I can´t imagine two so close together

 

You´re for longer period on this journey than I am and a suicide together with a mother loss is more than anyone should have to deal with, so I think it´s pretty normal what you´re feeling, even if 3 years already went by.

 

Your drawings are really nice and for me describe what anyone who loses someone goes through several times a week...

 

It´s indeed a very hard and lonely journey and as time goes by you almost feel forced to bring back your old self, so people don´t look at you as a freak and then the people and places you used to talk and vent get fewer and fewer....

 

This fórum is a great place to share and be with people who understand, keep posting here, it helps.

 

A big hug

 

 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear sugrmagnoliah,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. We're all in the same boat, we've all experienced tragedies first hand. You were brave enough to post your story here, and that says a lot about yourself. It shows that even though you have so much pain inside, you don't want to hold all of that pain with you forever. That wouldn't be healthy for you, or anyone else.

 

Suicide is a tricky subject, some people just have their own deeply personal reasons behind it. Sometimes there is no logical reason, it only makes sense to the person who decides to take their own life. There are so many reasons, and yet it's not just one thing that pushes someone over the edge. Don't ever think that it was you who caused this. You did everything you could to have the best possible relationship with your son's MomMom. She knew how much she meant to you.

 

As for the sudden passing of your mother, I completely understand how devastating it can be. My father died suddenly one week ago. There was no rhyme or reason for it, he was fine the morning it happened. There's still so many unanswered questions that may never be answered. He had a brain aneurysm that had ruptured, and there was basically nothing anyone could do, and yet the guilt still remains. I know that he loves me, and will continue to love me until we meet again. I trust that you share this same view about your Momma. She nurtured you, she gave you everything to give you a better life. Don't let her passing cripple the rest of your life. Celebrate her life as you move forward in yours.