Struggling with negative feelings - resentment, etc.

[backyarder1]

I am really struggling with my negative feelings about some people, such as my husband's inlaws. I really feel like they weren't there for me at all while I went through the worst of my grief and every day that goes by that they don't call me or email me, I just get more and more resentful. I'm not even sure that is the right word. It isn't really anger. Its just like I feel like if they ever DO call again, I will have a hard time being nice and friendly to them.

I get the same feeling when a friend or acquaintance says something really stupid. Someone said to me yesterday "I know just how you feel, because my husband goes out of town for long periods of time and I know what it is like to be alone."

Honestly, I don't want to have anything to do with people like that anymore. It just shows such a total lack of compassion and understanding.

[kristenczer]

I can relate to this. The support for loosening my husband was incredible at first. Then one day it all stopped. I dont know if its the lack of knowing what to say, or are they just scared of how I am really doing. A few have asked, then within 10 seconds of me telling them how I really have been they change the subject to I know how you are feeling (Really?!?!?!?!) or back to their problems in life. A kind word of support and caring would be nice. I think at this moment even if I was in a room with 10,000 people who did really care, I would still feel so alone. 

[Alone]

I think that there should be a book entitled "Things You Don't Say to Someone Who's Grieving".

 

I would include the following in that book:

• Don't say anything that begins with the words "at least".
• Don't say you "completely understand" unless you've experienced the same type of loss .... and here I'm talking about relationships .... for example, losing a parent is not the same as losing a spouse... the grief from the situations may have the same depth and pain, but the relationship is different.
• Don't say "I'll always be there" because you can't always be there!  Eliminate the word "always" from the verbiage you use with someone grieving.
• Don't say "time will heal" as time doesn't heal, it only provides the opportunity to accept and adjust.
• Don't say "he is in a better place".  I understand the concept, but the best place for my loved one is at my side where I can love and care for him. 
• Don't tell me that my behavior "isn't what he would have wanted for me".  Do you really think that I have much control over my behavior right now?
• Don't say "don't cry".  I'll cry when, where and as often as I need to.  I was not equipped with an off-switch for my tears.
• Don't say "eat it anyway".  My head, heart and digestive system refuse to accept certain foods.  Or sometimes there is no food at all that I can keep in me.
• Don't say "don't eat that".  Sometimes my head, heart and digestive system don't get the message that I've eaten enough already or that the food I'm eating is a bad choice.
• Don't say "just get some sleep and you'll feel better".  If I could sleep I would.  Pure exhaustion should have put be down months ago but I still don't sleep.
• Don't say "you should be more active".  God how I wish I had the energy to be more active.  I'm doing what I can and most of that activity is forced.
• Don't ever say "it will be okay".  Things will not be okay in anyway that will meet my definition of that phrase.

I believe that when you are grieving, the words "always and never" should be thrown out, we should receive suggestions not instructions,  and we need compassion not platitudes.

 

 

[Annie_]

I think that there should be a book entitled "Things You Don't Say to Someone Who's Grieving".

 

And I would add:

• Don't say "you have to let him go" or "grieving like this is keeping him from finding peace". I know my husband is at peace, and I can't help how I'm grieving.  No one has the right to tell me they know more than I do about how my husband is doing after death.
• Don't persist in asking details about what happened.  For some of us the experience was more traumatic than others.  If we say "I don't want to talk about it" then don't keep pushing.  It is not right for the one grieving to be pushed into a panic or anxiety attack just because of another person's curiosity.
• Unless you were a close friend and knew my husband then don't even consider telling me you know that "he would want me to ...".
• Don't tell me your beliefs about the afterlife.  You have your beliefs, my husband and I had ours.  Don't assume they are the same.

And some Do's

• Do listen when I want to talk.
• Do call occasionally--especially after more time has gone by.  I don't want to burden my friends, and then when no one calls I start to think they don't care or are not as good of friends as I thought.
• Practical offers of help are much better than the vague "anything you need".  Everyone says that and you don't know whether they really mean it or not. So instead please be specific.  If you are good at writing cards, offer to help write thank you cards.  If you are good with home repair, offer to be on call if something goes wrong. If you are good with cars, offer to be on call if a second opinion is needed about a repair. 
• If I start crying, just be there and treat me like a normal person. Of course I'm going to cry, it happens all the time, you just happened to see it this time. It is easier to let the moment pass and recover myself without getting smothered with concern.  Nothing you can say or do will make this loss better.  But being there with me shows you care.

[backyarder1]

Where is the LIKE button so I can LIKE what you guys are posting? :-)

[lost&alone]

Great posts. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just hand people this list before they start talking to us?  Today a co-worker told me she knew EXACTLY how I felt because her daughter had a miscarriage last year.  I wanted to tell her there is no way that she can know how I feel.  I had 3 miscarriages and while they were heartbreaking the pain does not begin to compare to what it feels like to lose your husband. 

 

 

[backyarder1]

I saw on caller ID that Tom's sister-in-law tried to call me last night. I didn't pick up the phone because I still don't how to deal with my feelings towards his family. I am angry and hurt that they didn't contact me for a month but I don't know if I should tell them, ignore them or just pick up the phone and act happy, like nothing happened. I'm not sure I can do that.

[Pastors widow]

I would have to add

 

     *Don't tell me You just need to get out there and find something to do with your life. I am well aware that my life is empty and alone. I don't need someone telling me their solution to my loss. I will get out and do things when I am ready to.

     * Don't tell me You need to count your blessings. I know what great things I have, but that doesn't take away the hurt from losing my husband.

 

backyarder1 - I would tell you to remember that they are grieving the loss of their son and brother. In their grief, they have failed to remember you. I would talk to them about it. Maybe they are trying to contact you now because they realized they failed. You can't pretend it's okay when it isn't. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with them. The worst that can happen is they don't call you and they are already not doing that.  Just my advice.