Lost mom this month

[Racheliza]

I had to take my mom off life support after she went into septic shock earlier this month. I'm 33, an only child & my parents are divorced. Mom & I were always very close, & because of that I am sure that my decision was based her wishes. She had MS for many years so her ability to fight the infection just wasn't there. However this whole thing happened pretty quickly, during my visit for the holidays & I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that she is gone. My loving, beautiful mother, best friend, & number one supporter is not going to be calling or around for me to visit anymore. I'm journaling, which helps. And my dad is awesome & I have a wonderful boyfriend who has lost a parent & supports me too, plus my grandmother, who has been amazing. Anyway I get signs from mom that she is with me. Like walking out of Starbucks & hearing my favorite singer, Ella Fitzgerald singing the words "I love you, remember...remember" & that's all I heard. Or church bells at 9:20 in the morning as I pass a church--that was a thing between mom & me but I know it was her because the bells only ring on the hour. And I always talk to her, everyday in my mind & I swear she is helping me get through this. There are more things, like letters I'm running into about how she believes your loved ones are always with you. She always promised me that she would always be with me when I expressed fear about losing her one day. But I'm wondering if other people would share their experiences. Because even though it may sound crazy, these messages are keeping me sane. Thanks in advance for any responses.

[klane]

Dear Racheliza,

 

I'm a newbie to this group and your post caught my attention.

It's been exactly one week since my mom passed away; she had been fighting Stage IV NSCLC w/ mets to her liver and bones since February of 2013.  She put on a heck of a fight and even through her worst moments she worried more about us than herself.  Her cancer was pretty much under control; however over the past month and a half, my mom had no energy, no appetite, back and hip pains, constant nausea, chemo brain and was admitted to the hospital several times due to her ongoing stomach pains (Which they told us was due to chemo induced constipation).  On January 16 my mom was rushed to the ER with excruciating stomach pains; since she was completely dehydrated, in addition to the coloring of her skin, they went ahead and admitted her. Since they could not figure out the source of her pain, they kept giving her Dilaudid to simply treat the pain; however it was not until last Tuesday, January 21 that one of the GI doctors finally found the source of her agonizing pain.  It was due to a partial blockage in her bowels; this would not have been such a big deal; however it took one of the nurses, that happened to be in the same room, that pointed out that my mom was septic and needed to be rushed into ICU.  Unfortunately it was too late as her organs were shutting down little by little.  My sister called me and told me to come to the hospital because they did not think she was going to make it through the night.  I waited for my wife and we rushed to the hospital.  Seeing her lying in a drug induced coma with all sorts of tubes and a machine that was breathing for her.  Needless to say I bent over and could not stop kissing her and telling her how much I love her and how much we needed her.  I wanted my mom to give me some sort of sign that would acknowledge me being there and at that moment my mom opened her eyes, looked over towards me and blinked her eyes.  That was the last time I got to see her beautiful green eyes.  We stayed in the ICU waiting room all night long hoping for a miracle and at 5:30 am my wife and I had to rush home to get the kids up and ready for school.  Within 20 minutes of us arriving home, I received a call from my dad to hurry back to the hospital (I knew that this was the end because my dad could not catch his breath and I could not understand what he was trying to tell me.).  I rushed back to the hospital during rush our and kept calling my sister to find out what was going on and she told me that they were waiting on me before they would pull the plug.  Unfortunately with the stupid rush hour traffic I did not make it on time as the doctor told my dad that it was time to let go.  As soon as I rushed into her room in ICU, I saw my beautiful and adoring mom gone.  She had a smile on her face as if she was telling us that she was no longer suffering in pain.  I leaned over and hugged her numerous times, kissing her and crying and asking God to please bring her back to us.  We stayed with her until it was time for them to take her body to the morgue.

Right after we left the hospital, we went ahead and made all of the funeral arrangements and then headed back to my parent's house.

My mom and dad had been married for over 55 years and treated each other as soul mates; the love they shared for each other was unique and rare.

Needles to say that I can relate to your post since we are all devastated with this great loss; however we have also received signs from my mom such as witnessing a smiley face on my mom's favorite chair (Via the imprints that she left behind on that chair), knocks on the door while my sister and my wife were talking in their room, among a few other things that only my mom would be able to do.

The weird thing though is that none of us have been able to dream about anything, much less my mom; guess it's a defense mechanism.

I miss my mom like crazy and I'm actually 47 years old; however I guess the saying that the more you love somebody, the harder the hurt.

Racheliza, getting back to your original question about sounding crazy; the answer is "NO"; we all witnessed my mom's signs.

[Racheliza]

Klane, thank you. I'm so sorry about your mom. The ICU is a rough place & it's hard seeing your loved one endure those procedures on top of other medical issues. Really glad to hear that your mom is communicating with your family now, too. I swear it takes away the sense of doom or "finality" typically associated with death. To me, it means our moms are free & at peace now. Ofcourse this is a time to grieve--but also to celebrate their lives.

[Trish91]

Dear Klane and Racheliza,

 

Thank you for your wonderful stories, which give me lots of hope.

 

My mom died on the 17th of December 2013, from lung cancer. They did not have time to determine whether it was small cell or non small cell carcinoma. In any case, she had secondary tumors in her liver and hip bones, just like your mom Klane, and she was in a lot of pain, perhaps, due to a fracture caused by the bone cancer, or so said my uncle, who is an orthopedist, and as a result, not even the hydromorphone, which is a type of morphine, was being effective, even though they were giving her really high doses that obviously made her very sleepy and tired.

 

Anyhow, in the end, she couldn´t even go to the toilet on her own, and on her last day, she even had to wear a diaper, which was extremely humiliating to her. Also, on during the last 36 hours of her life, she had an oxygen mask which she kept taking off, as she did not want any more pain and discomfort. She´d had enough and said so to everybody, to me, the doctors, the nurses and all of her brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, who were there with us.

 

Through it all, she remained very peaceful and really strong, like she always was, and even her sense of humor was intact. Though of course, she was no longer the healthy, active, energetic, switched on, engaging and very independent person who she´d always been, and that really affected her, and me, us.

 

Her cancer had only been discovered two weeks before she died. Before that, she was in pain but still eating, and she even visited my brother and I and our own families overseas, where we live, for two and a half months, and although she was in pain, she really only deteriorated in the last month of her life. Early symptoms only arose in early September 2013, and her doctor, a specialist, said that she had herniated discs on her back, given that neither the MRI, blood tests or multiple x-rays showed anything wrong, and she was eating well, walking well, had no cough or shortness of breath or anything that could indicate lung cancer. In fact, she´d not smoked a cigarette in her entire life, or lived with anybody who smoked.  In any case, that specialist should have investigated a lot more rather than let her go visit us like that.

 

In any case, at least she spent the last three months of her life with her kids and grand kids, but once she knew she had that type of cancer and it´d metastasized even to her rib cage, she said that she was not afraid of dying, as she was always a true believer in God, and was, as I said before, at peace with Him, herself and everybody else, and she was very clear about not wanting any invasive procedures or experimentation on her body, and certainly no more suffering either, unless there was a cure, which there was not, so in the end, when she couldn´t really breathe properly, and that was over the last 36 hours of her life, and due to one of her lungs having fluid, when her heart started to shut down, she took off her oxygen mask and said that she´d had enough and didn´t want any more suffering, that it was time for her to go.

 

Of course, she´d lost a lot of weight in a matter of five weeks, and she´d lost that incredible appetite that she´d always had. She could eat lots and never put on weight, and she exercised all the time, she was amazing. Anyhow, the cancer ravaged her body, but not her mind.

 

I never expected this in my mid-thirties, and I have also had to act like the executor of her estate, while trying to grieve.

 

I have my dad´s support, my husband´s, my brother´s, even my work´s, and that of my closest friends and extended family. However, I have made all the decisions on my own, and in that I see a very clear sign that both God and my mom are with me. Also, I was able to sell the apartment to very reliable people and for a fair price to all involved, and with a good profit; and the contents of the apartment to another reliable and decent human being who happens to come from the region where my mom, my mom´s family and both my brother and I are from. These are all clear signs that my mom and God are with me, even though I cry every day, and miss my mom all the time. All of this has happened in less that two months, when things like that could easily take ages.

 

Also, the other day suddenly a bird appeared in a window when I am often there and had never seen one, and it was a type of bird that my mom mentioned in our conversations on Skype, and since it was so sudden and the bird looked at me for a few minutes without moving, and I couldn´t move, I froze, I think that it was a sign from my mom.

 

I have also dreamed of her a few times, and seen her beautiful green eyes (like your mom´s Klane) and her beautiful face a few times. All dreams have been pleasant, and my mom looks truly happy and healthy.

 

So, in summary Racheliza, I do not believe that you are crazy, I think it´s truly wonderful that both you and Klane have experienced that your moms are still with you and always will, and so is my mom.

 

I have faith that we will meet again when I die, and I am sure that she is having a wonderful after life, with God Almighty, her mom and dad, my beloved grandparents, and our departed pets, who are very much part of our family.

 

It may sound childish or naive, but I believe that there´s another dimension beyond this one.

 

Warm regards, and really truly sorry for your losses, and completely understand what you both are going through, as my mom was my very best friend and my soul mate. This forum is great, it´s been such a lifeline, so welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Racheliza]

Trish, thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry about your mom, & she sounds like she was an amazing woman. The part about the bird made me smile--Very special & sounds like it was definitely your mama! Sounds like we are about the same age & the estate stuff has been a challenge for me. Due to the fact that mom never remarried it has been left to me to handle. At least her situation was really simple compared to most in terms of property/assets. But I also totally feel like mom & God have guided me through the process.

[naymissingnee]

Today makes exactly 11 days since my mommy closed her eyes and left this world. I'm 30 years old and the youngest of three. I would post more on the story just not quite ready yet. Praying for you all as I hope you do the same for me and my family. Her home-going was yesterday so today is the first day since she passed that I actually had time to sit down and realize I'm truly motherless. My mommy and I have always had a cosmic connection our birthdays three days apart so I feel that she is just fine, but I just need a hug and to see her. 

[MissKylie]

Thank you for sharing your story Trish. I can't even go through each detail as i can picture the pain you're going through. Same with my 5 year old daughter who died of cancer wherein the blood tests and biopsy weren't able to stage and identify what type of cancer it was that took my daughter's life. 

 

Like you, I also want to believe that there's another dimension where our loved ones stay in there because their physical bodies are no longer good for them. 

 

In God's time, I hope He will reveal the real reason why good and beautiful people be taken away from their loved ones. Specially with cancer where the battle seems like futile.

 

And i pray to God that He will give us strength as we walk through this grief.  

 

Here are the pictures of my daughter Kylie... I lost her on a New year's day Before 3AM while I was holding her oxygen and nebulizer. As she didn't want the doctors and nurses to be near her as she'd been traumatized with all the blood tests she'd gone through for the last 1 month of her life.

[Trish91]

Dear Kylie´s mom:

 

I am really truly sorry about your loss. Your child was really pretty and sweet, and I am so sorry she had to die at such a young age! I really do not understand why we have to experience such tragedies in our lives. However, it seems there is a time for everyone, and unfortunately, some leave this earth way before others. I am sure your daughter is in a much better place, in a totally peaceful and wonderful place, where she is being rewarded for all her pain and suffering and for the pureness of her heart. She is with you, looking over you and all your family. We have to believe that and also that there is an after life that will allow us to reunite with our dearly beloved ones.

 

Cancer is such an awful disease, it destroys both the body and the mind and it puts both the patient and the family through hell. So, as you said, now that their bodies are no longer functional, their souls live on forever and ever and no pain or suffering will affect them anymore. That is our only comfort.

 

I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a child, but I losing one´s mother and child are the worst losses ever, and like you I am hurting. I hurt every single day, I cry every single day, and I pray that God will allow me to survive, that He will give me the strength to get on with my life and honor my mom´s memory. I also talk to my mom, and I know that she is with me and helping me like a true guardian angel. I miss her every day, and I love her immensely.

 

I thank you for reaching out to me and I pray for all of us on this forum to find a some solace and peace once again, and to always have our loved ones in our lives, not physically, of course, but spiritually.

 

God bless you and please speak to me whenever you like. The loss of a child forum is fantastic, there are some wonderful people there, so please reach out to them whenever you need to, they fully understand your loss, your pain and what you are going through.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Rose31]

I'm 31years old. I lost my mom January 7th.My mom was very ill and only 54. She left behind altogether 3 of us and her husband. I practically live at the hospital just to make sure I had every minute with her. She was in ICU for over a week on a ventilator. Dont want to go any further into details, I breakdown. Right now I feel so many emotions and miss her so much it hurts. This has been very difficult to deal with. I have a 9 year old daughter who is devastated about her grandma. Half the time I don't even know what to say to her. I never thought I would lose my mom this young. My moma was my everything!

[missingmum]

I am very sorry for everyone's loss and the pain it brings. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago to lung disease and while i have heard people say i will get through it, i don't know how. My mum went through so much pain for 2 years and it made me sick that I couldn't hug her and make it go away the way she did when i was ill as a kid. I live away from home but i was fortunate to have been able to spend her last month sitting by her bedside, but now i am back where i live and cannot visit her grave when i want to or when i need to. I cant stand in her bedroom and smell her clothes and imagine she is still here. I have many pictures of mum, but not 1 video recording of her and i am  afraid i will wake up one day and not remember her voice and that will destroy me. She was the most beautiful, kind, caring and best friend any daughter could imagine and i am heartbroken she will not see me get married and see all the things a mum is meant to see of her daughter grow up.

Life is cruel and time spent with someone will never feel enough when you lose them. I would give anything to hug my mum one more time and tell her how much i love her.

I miss you mum and hope that you are happy where you are now and pain free xx

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear missingmum,

 

I relate so much with how you feel right now. My dad passed away almost 2 weeks ago. I am barely hanging on. He was my guiding force through this life. He was the reason I got out of bed in the morning, just to see him. I've never cried this much. I never even knew this kind of pain could even exist until I lost my dad. It happened so suddenly too, and I want so desperately to be able to go back and spend even more time with him. Though I was always there with him physically, I wasn't always there mentally. It hurts my heart to have to admit that.

 

My dad did not have to suffer, luckily, but I always knew he would have to go one day. I always knew though I chose not to accept it. He was a smoker and could never quit. It was what made him happy. The cigarettes were killing him one day at a time, so at least he was spared of some of that pain. It was either now or soon, I just wished it wasn't this soon.

 

I too am so scared I'm going to slowly forget about all of these memories my dad and I shared. I don't want to ever lose him. The sound of his laugh, the sound of his voice, the way he always would wear his trademark striped western shirts. Not a day would go by where he wouldn't wear one. I think I am going to start wearing them myself every day in honor of him. I want to do whatever I can to preserve his memory. He deserves to be remembered for as long as my body chooses to let me. Even if everyone else he ever knew does, I won't forget him. I can't forget him.

[Dougie]

I lost my mom and dad within two years from each other. ( mom-1/3/2010-dad 7/18/2012) I'm very fortunate. That I had 2 wonderful loving compassionate parents. We never raised our voice to each other through my whole life. My mom was always smile laughing . She was a sweetheart My dad was the type of person after you was around him for five minutes you could tell what kind of man he was (wonderful person) when my dad died I lost my BEST friend! ...... I don't like when people tell you.( if Thay haven't lost a paren)you'll get better it'll be okay. Because they have no damn idea what you felling ..... So here's the truth and my opinion. It doesn't get any better it will never get over it.You just learn to live with it.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I lost my mom and dad within two years from each other. ( mom-1/3/2010-dad 7/18/2012) I'm very fortunate. That I had 2 wonderful loving compassionate parents. We never raised our voice to each other through my whole life. My mom was always smile laughing . She was a sweetheart My dad was the type of person after you was around him for five minutes you could tell what kind of man he was (wonderful person) when my dad died I lost my BEST friend! ...... I don't like when people tell you.( if Thay haven't lost a paren)you'll get better it'll be okay. Because they have no damn idea what you felling ..... So here's the truth and my opinion. It doesn't get any better it will never get over it.You just learn to live with it.

 

I have to agree with you there, Dougie. I've already pretty much given up on the whole "getting over" thing. I'm going to recover from the loss of my dad one day, but I'll never really be over losing him. He was my best friend just like you and your dad. Even though I have not lost my mom yet, my dad's passing has opened my eyes to what will eventually come. We're both fortunate to even have the privilege to have known parents as great as ours. Some people don't even know what their parents even look like, which makes me feel so blessed for all I've been given. It's never going to be okay, but I think it can get to a level just slightly under how it felt when they were alive.

[lemc87]

I am so sorry for everyone's loss. Hugs. 

 

Racheliza, I don't think you're crazy. I believe my mom is here with me and is watching over me. I lost her in October 2013. I'm 26; she was 59. She died in her sleep from a heartattack. My aunt called me to tell me she was gone and for a while, I wanted to believe this was all just a bad dream. I don't remember everything that happened that day because I was in a daze, but I do remember hyperventilating and was in tears. My boyfriend had to lay me down and try to comfort me. It was all very sudden. 

 

We had to wait an entire week for her funeral because she passed away on Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and it prolonged her cremation, so in turn it prolonged her service. I had to make all of the funeral arrangements and pick out the urn because my dad was incapable of doing so in his grief. I spent my days trying to comfort my family and my nights crying for my mom. Those 7 days leading up to the funeral were the hardest days of my life. I would sit alone in the dark and cry for hours. My heart was and is still very broken.

 

She really was my everything. She knew my deepest secrets and loved me unconditionally anyway. She called me every day and I regret not being there for her more before her death. I should have returned her calls and visited her more. I just didn't think this would happen so soon, you know? I thought I had years with her. 

 

I think she was sick for a long time, but she was a selfless person and worried about everyone else instead of herself. She suffered from something called Peripheral Arterial Disease and was in a lot of pain, especially when she had to walk anywhere. Sometimes I would hear her crying at night when I would visit. There was nothing worse than hearing my mom cry -- it broke my heart every time. I couldn't make the pain stop either, even though I tried. A week leading up to her death, she was complaining about her wrist. She kept saying it was "carpal tunnel." I should have recognized the signs, but she wouldn't have listened to me anyway if I told her to go to the doctor. She hated doctors and hospitals. 

 

She called me the night before. Maybe she knew? I remember how excited she was about Christmas. That was her favourite holiday. Not for the presents, but because she was able to spend a few days with her boys and her girl. I was able to tell her I loved her during that phone call; I am so thankful for that. 

 

My little brother (who is only 18) has been so strong. He sent me a video the other day. It's only 25 seconds long, but it's of my mom telling me how happy she was that I was able to visit, even if it was only for three days. This has been a blessing to me. I watch this video over and over again because I'm terrified I'll forget her smile, her laugh, and her voice. I guess it makes me feel like she's here. 

[Trish91]

Dear lemc87,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story made me cry, it was so sad yet so beautiful, and I could identify with so many things that you said, for instance, the fact that you had to organize the funeral and cremation, and console everybody, so had I, the fact that you regret not visiting your mom more often, so do I, the fact that you don't want to forget anything about your mom, neither do I, and I also watch three videos that I have got of her over and over again, and read things that she wrote over and over. I have got hand written letters and published articles that she wrote as part of her job, and I never want to let go of them, they are part of my mom's legacy, and my mom is and always will be with me, until my time comes and we can be together again. I long for that day.

In the mean time, I try to continue with my life........with the support of my husband, my dad, my nephew, and extended family and close friends, and with my faith in God and my mom's protection and inspiration, her spirit is all around me, when I sleep and when I am awake.

Like you, I also wish that I had paid a lot more attention to my mom's symptoms and her pain. There are so many things that I wish I had done a lot better and could do once more......but I cannot, sadly.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hello and tell you that your story did touch me, so thank you for sharing it.

Warm regards,

Trish

[lemc87]

Oh Trish, my heart goes out to you. Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman and I'm sorry you lost her so soon. 

 

I'm trying to live my life now, but sometimes it's so darn hard. I think I'm going through the stages of grief very slowly because of how close I was to my mom and how little time I've had alone since her death. Sometimes I'm happy, or sad, or angry. My mood's change so quickly.

 

I'm mad that all this responsibility was placed on me early on with making all the arrangements, but I know my mom wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She would have wanted me to be the strong one; she would have trusted me to do this. This is part of the reason why I feel the way I do today. I had to shove my feelings away and take care of everyone else first. Now that everyone is mostly okay and moving on, I am finally starting to fall apart.

 

The day after my mom's funeral, my aunt messaged me on Facebook and told me how terrible of a person I was because I didn't include my biological father's name in the death notice. My parents haven't been together for over 20 years! She told me that I clearly didn't love my father, not really. She said I should have recruited my brothers to help with the arrangements so nothing was missed. Yes, I'll recruit my alcoholic brother and agoraphobic brother to help plan my mom's service because that's obviously going to go so well. 

 

It took me a long time to stop being upset at her words because at some point, I realized I did the best I could given the circumstances. I have been mad at others too, but for reasons that are unknown. I feel bad for blaming them because I know they can't bring her back. They've done nothing wrong. 

 

I feel so crushed and it's hard to move on when your main supporter is no longer here. Sometimes I forget she's gone and I'll go to call her only to realize she won't answer. It breaks my heart to know I will never be able to talk to her again. 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

To lemc87,

 

I have read some of your other posts and our stories are quite similar. I am only 25, and my dad was 62 when he passed. He died suddenly too and that is what makes this so much harder than if I could have prepared for it. So believe me when I say I know how it feels to be this young and have to go through something this terrible.

 

The stages of grief, at least for me, continue to circle around and around in no particular order. I've gone from accepting it, to denying it, to being angry, to wanting it to be me instead, and back and forth between. I can be relatively fine one moment, but if a dark thought crosses my mind, which is most of time these days, I will break down and be unable to stop myself from crying.

 

You mentioned you have an agoraphobic brother. I wouldn't call myself entirely agoraphobic, I can at least go outside if absolutely necessary and deal with the outside world, but it's so hard for me to do so. I do have a lot of trouble just making eye contact with other people and speaking my mind. I have a lot of social anxiety issues that I never addressed growing up, the main reason is because I never thought I'd need to. I was always with my dad and he was the one person I could feel normal around. I felt I could relate to my dad and trust him with anything. He was the one who was there for me always, no matter what.

 

I am so lucky that my dad at least managed to take care of everything in the event that he did die. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it. At the very least he wanted everything simple, he didn't want a memorial service or anything of the sort. He wanted a cremation, even though deep down I wished there was a funeral because I feel like just an urn isn't honoring him enough. Most days I can't even stand to look at his urn without feeling sick.

 

You are absolutely right: you did the best you could despite the unfortunate circumstances. Name one other person who could have done a better job than you, and that's right, you can't. There is no need to question what you've done because your mom trusted you to do your very best with it, and you did. No one can fault you for that.

 

It is very hard to move on, especially for me, when I relied so heavily on my dad to always be here. I don't see myself going much further on my own at the moment. I want to break out of this misery. I need all the help I can get.

[lemc87]

Dear Kirbiboh:

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I too have read some of your posts and feel as if I can relate to you. We've lost someone very near to us at a young age. I can only imagine how my baby brother feels at 18. He has to deal with living in that house. I can't even gather up enough strength to visit and go through her stuff like I've been promising to. It's too hard being surrounded by her stuff.

 

I have been going through a similar grieving process, I think. One minute I'm okay; the next, I'm a mess. Some days really are better than others. Others, I don't want to get out of bed. The only thing that keeps me going some days is the idea that my mom wouldn't want this. She'd want me to stay strong and try my best to get on without her. 

 

I have an older brother who is an agoraphobic. He's almost 30 and has never had a job. He's been this way for years. He seems to have gotten a little better recently. At one point it was so bad, he wouldn't leave his room if there was any company over at all. I won't go into details, but he did everything humanly possible in his bedroom to avoid anyone seeing him. There are a lot of mental health issues in our family. As far as I know though, I'm just socially awkward and have bad anxiety. 

 

My mom wanted simple as well, but she didn't have a will. The only thing I knew for sure is that she wanted to be cremated and wanted her ashes to be spread around a lighthouse. She LOVED lighthouses. I don't really know why, but she has loved them for as long as I can remember. We have yet to go to the lighthouse, but are planning a trip to do so. I want to make her final wishes come true. 

 

I didn't want a service and she probably wouldn't have been too keen on one, but my family insisted we need to have one because "people expect it." *Insert swear word here.* If I hadn't been so freaking numb and kind of just agreeing/going through the motions of everything, I would have had some serious blowouts with people. 

 

Funerals are pretty terrible and awkward, especially if you're like me and suffer from social anxiety. It's usually no less than two hours. People will show up and pretend like they truly cared about your dad or mom because it's the "right thing to do." If he wanted simple, you fulfilled his wishes. That's all he wanted, so don't beat yourself up over that. 

 

If you ever need anyone to talk to, please don't hesitate to message me. We both sound like we need help. 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear lemc87,

 

I have to deal with living in my dad's house, and everything that I see reminds me of him. It's really unusual to be here by myself, but I have no where else to go. That's why I myself stay in my room, away from his things. The only reason I get out of bed is to take care of my weenie dog, Toby. His needs now come before my own.

 

I know what you mean about how our parents wouldn't want us to just shut down after their deaths. I want to be happy, believe me, more than anything in the world (except to see my dad again) but it's incredibly difficult. I still hold so much guilt, plus I still can't shake the feeling that it was no where near his "time" to go. It was an aneurysm which no one had any control over, much like a heart attack, and it was going to rupture sooner or later... but it was supposed to be later. A lot later.

 

I am socially awkward and have bad anxiety too. I've never opened up to anyone in any form, except to my dad, and now on this forum. In regards to your brother, I actually have done the same kind of things. Whenever someone stopped by to see my dad, which was usually his brother, I would grab my computer and run into my room and hide. I would actually block the door with anything heavy enough so if someone did indeed come to my room, they wouldn't be able to open the door. I would also make up excuses as to why I didn't show up for holiday events. I would do anything to avoid human contact with others, except when it was with my dad or my mom.

 

Your mom made her wishes known, which is great. Sadly, my dad never told me what to do with him once he had been cremated. So now I'm stuck with this constant reminder than he's gone and just the sight of it makes the tears start to form again. It's the realest of the real in terms of the finality of death.

 

I feel like *insert swear word here* constantly. Every day is the same. No joy is to be found no matter where I look. I actually managed a laugh or two a couple of days ago, but it felt so forced and with no feeling. I can't stop obsessing over aneurysms, what causes them, survival rates, complications, defects as a result of them, anything and everything to do with them. Basically my days now consist of me scouring the internet to try and make sense out of all of this. But there's no sense to something so senseless.

 

People don't really seem to "get" how big of a loss this is to us. My dad was the most amazing person to me, and I am sure you feel the same in regards to your mom. My dad was my everything, as cliche as it to say. Even if he never made an impact on a single other soul, he made all the difference to me. Being away from him is not *insert swear word here* right.

 

None of this is right.

[blondie26]

I lost my mom last month, it hasn't even been a full month yet. She passed, Janurary 29th, she had been sick for about 6 years with copd and emphasema. She got put on hospice care a couple weeks before she passed, she then got put on morphine and ended up falling and broke her knee cap, we had to help feed her and everything, she was originally told she had 5 to 6 months but she got worse so fast, she eventually went into a coma, this all happened within a couple weeks, it just happened so fast, she was only 55. I lost my dad also several years ago, he had a brain tumor. Its really hard when you lose both parents, I was really close to my mom. It really tears you up inside when you lose both parents and can't talk to them anymore. They were both taken too soon.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

blondie26,

 

I am terribly sorry for both your parents, and for you. Losing one parent is so hard, I don't even want to imagine how hard it must be to have lost both.

 

My dad died at age 62 from a brain aneurysm. He had been walking around with it for potentially his entire life until it ruptured on January 22nd, 2014. He died three days later. He had numerous other things wrong with him, but the way he died was unexpected to say the least. 

 

My father actually had emphysema too, which I didn't know about until after he died and I got in contact with his personal doctor. He would go through these breathing attacks where he'd be unable to catch his breath but he would lay down and it would eventually go away after a few hours. I had no idea what it was called, and the first time it happened I thought he would die right then and there.

 

I was so scared for him but he would always be fine afterwards, and yet he kept right on smoking and it'd happen again and again. Only the last time it happened was also the same time that the brain aneurysm burst. Neither of us had known just how serious and deadly this was. 

 

I don't think it's normal for anyone to die in their 60s, let alone in their 50s. Your parents and my dad both were taken too soon. It's so frustrating that we had no control over this. I know I could have tried so much harder to get my dad to stop smoking, but it was inevitable. He would never quit and it would have drove a wedge in between us.

 

It's so unfair to them and to us. I know that I'm supposed to think my dad is in a better place now, but what better place could he be except here with me? I'm the one left alone while he is up there partying with his parents and all of his lost loved ones. It's tearing me up inside just like it is with you. I miss him so much.

 

If we all stick together, we may be able to figure out a way to cope with all of this. It has to get better somehow, because right now...

 

It sucks.

 

 

[Pattismith]

I just lost my Mom a week ago. i am new to this forum. I am trying really hard to get through each day, I just want to feel like myself, I keep wondering if that will ever happen? I just want my mother back. I lost my dad 4 years ago and my mom had been under hospice for 9 months before passing so it wasn't unexpected, but I still feel so lost,