Devastated

[missmyboy]

Yesterday morning my two dogs somehow escaped from our yard. We still can't figure out how they got out. We have very high fences, and have blocked off the bottom of the fence as they have escaped before, so we wanted to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I was home, they NEVER go anywhere when I'm home.  Until yesterday.

I am 8 months pregnant and was exhausted, so stayed in bed a little longer than usual. As irony would have it, I was looking at videos of my male dog on my phone. Something in me told me to go outside. When I did, the dogs were both gone. 

I ran around the neighbourhood, with no luck. I got in my car and drove in every street, and asked every person I saw if they'd seen my kids. A few hours went by, and I had a call from my hubby saying that one guy had our little girl- it was a really long way from our place. I went to pick her up, the man had not seen our little boy though but said he would keep an eye out. I continued my search with no luck. A while later, my hubby called and told me he would be home soon, and that I too should head home. 

When he got home he was bleary eyed, and told me that the same man who had found our girl, had just found our little boy, at the  bottom of his pool.

My little boy, Jackson, was the light of my life. He and I had a very special bond. He followed me EVERYWHERE. Even from the fridge to the sink, he was always there. He relied on me too look after him. We had a very special connection, and I believe understood eachother. Now he is gone. All the excitement of seeing him with our first born, who I KNEW he was going to love and look after, gone. I am beyond shattered and can't stop crying. I don't know how to calm myself down, but I really need to for the sake of the baby.

Right now, our female dog, his soulmate, is snuggling up to me. I'm not sure if she knows, or understands, but she definitely notices his absence. 

I keep going over and over in my head how scared my little Jackson would have been, how he would have been wondering where I was, and why I wasn't helping him, like I always do.

I miss him so much, and everything reminds me of him. His malted fur is on the couch, his food bowl and water bowl are still where they've always been... sorry for TMI, but even going to the toilet now makes me sad- he used to follow me in and sit on my foot, and look up at me with love.

I'm just so so devastated. Luckily as I am pregnant i'm not working at the moment, I don't think I could if I had to... I'm just too too sad :'(

[missmyboy]

Has anyone got advice or things they did that helped?

[nammi_nammi]

I'm so sorry what you're going through, and at a time when you should be feeling happy and excited.  It's hard, I know.  I'm going through a very hard time to.  I lost all 10 of my cats to house fire 2 months ago - 2 are possibly missing but can't find them anywhere, so I'm dealing with 2 nightmares at once.  Awhile ago had to close myself away for awhile as my son is home from school today.  Just fell into a heap and sobbed.  Sometimes don't know how I can go on, but I have to.  The grieving is something we have to do, but sometimes it's overwhelming.  Let yourself cry when you need to.  Write in a journal.  I have no support system at all so have to do that, but if you can find someone to talk to who will listen uncritically, that can help.  This place doesn't seem to be very busy, so if you would like to e-mail me and talk, you're more than welcome to.  The sudden loss of our animal babies is just as overwhelming as grieving a human and many people don't acknowledge this.  That makes it even harder for us.  Take care of yourself. 

[missmyboy]

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so so sorry for your loss. What an absolutely horrible thing to go through. I can't even imagine... You're right, losing a pet is just as overwhelming as a human. Well, Jackson was a little human to me... I can't stop crying. I don't really have a support network here either. I have my fiance, but he too is upset, and trying to be strong for me- I told him he doesn't have to, as he too is grieving for our little man. He's been great but has had to work so I am at home alone an awful lot.

I started a journal for my baby a few months back, so wrote (and wrote and wrote) about Jackson in that. I've also started a letter to him which I will put in his urn once we pick that up later today. 

I'm just so empty without him. I really should be excited right now, my baby could come at any time from next week. For the first time though, I'm hoping it's not early. That makes me feel really guilty, but I just don't know how I could possibly be happy right now, and I want my baby coming into a happy world.

 

How are things going for you? Hopefully those 2 will turn up, what a miracle that would be. I guess in a way you'd feel the same with the suffering the other cats would have gone through in their last moments (although I really really hope they didn't suffer). I've heard of pets turning up weeks, months, years later so my fingers really are tightly crossed for you. Sorry if I'm all over the place at the moment, my head isn't on straight. I thought I might be able to calm myself by now, but it's actually worse.

What is happening with your house? I'm glad you and your son are ok, but I just can't imagine the pain you've gone through will all your losses. 

 

I'm very new to this site, so not sure how to email but would love to be there for you too. Thank you once again for your reply. It's nice to talk to someone x

[nammi_nammi]

Don't worry about being all over the place - I do the same.  Can't seem to think straight - so many thoughts going on at once.  I know what you mean about being all alone after your husband goes to work.  My son has been off school for the cold but is going back today - in a little while.  So they both will be gone, and I'll be all alone.  Sometimes I want to be alone, but it seems when I am I hurt more and the tears won't stop.  Don't feel guilty - it's natural you want your baby coming into a happy world, but you can't help not feeling happy with what happened.  Once the baby arrives, though, it may help.  You'll be really busy doing baby things, it may be a distraction to the pain.  I lost my cat of 15 years when my son was 3 months old.  I had a really hard time, and with the added stress of no sleep, it was a really rough time for me.  But being that it's already happened before the baby, the baby may help.  The journal for your baby is a wonderful idea!!  My kitties were like humans to me, too.  I talked to them all day long when I was home alone.  They were such company to me.  There was always at least one near.   

 

Yes, it would be such a miracle for James and Tadpole to show up.  I hope it so much every night we're out there, but I honestly dread going because I just hate to be around our burnt house.  It's such a sad sight.  There are burnt up pillows out in the yard outside the study window my cats liked to lay on.  I just get the worst feeling in my stomach.  Then searching around in the dark with flashlights.  I often just start crying and feel so helpless and hopeless.  I just wonder where they are, if they're okay and still alive in this brutal weather.  My Tadpole is 10 - that's too old to be going through this.  James was on special diet food that he's not getting out there.  It scares me.  I've heard of cats turning up later, too.  I hope that is the case.  We'll be back living in the same spot whenever my husband can find a company that will tear down our house (thinking of that happening tears me up, too).  We already found a pre-fab we both like and have borrowed to help us pay for it in addition to the insurance money we got, so we just need to get our house down to begin... 

 

I've thought about my cats' last moment, too.  The 8 were all found under the couch.  How they all went to that spot I don't know.  Did they know and want to be together??  A fireman said he heard meowing inside.  They had to be so so terrified.  It hurts.  I wish I could've been there to help them.  I feel some guilt.  I got my parakeets out okay, but the neighbor led me away and wouldn't let me go back in.  I keep thinking why didn't I just jerk away and go anyway.  They were my cats!!  Where was my assertiveness??  I just think I didn't know what to do.  I don't know.  I just started to panic as he led me away.  I knew they were in danger.  I probably would've had time to go in and look for them but I didn't get a chance.  I wish so much I could do it over and try.  I miss them all so much.  It's getting worse for me instead of better, too.  Yesterday I just had a total meltdown and had to close myself up in the bedroom (we're in a rental home - which just doesn't feel like home.  My clothes have no cat hairs or claw holes in them.  Just feels like such a different life, and I don't like it.)  Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and have no one to talk to.  I might've found a grief support group - but I'm afraid they will only deal with human loss.  I want to call them if I can get up enough nerve for more info.  Still - it meets once a month, and I feel I need more than that.  Just not sure yet. 

 

Here's my e-mail - I'm not really sure how it works here either!!  I'll just give it out here... 

andrea_m@westvirginia.usa.com    Please feel free to e-mail me - maybe we can help each other...    

[Steve s mom]

Nammi

Cats often hide during fires they often cower together and are hard to find or rescue ,they likely died quickly from smoke inhalation and didn't suffer .you couldn't have saved them if you went back in you likely would not have found them in time and could have died trying.dont feel guilty .there is hope your other 2 kitties are safe somewhere .maybe you can volunteer at a local animal shelter or rescue and help other cats and spend some time with them .there is a hospice for pets in va I know but not sure if near you.there must be some place near by with cats that need help that you can work with.

[nammi_nammi]

Thanks Steve's mom...  I've heard cats hide when afraid.  I know all the noise and ruckus and fire alarms alone had to terrify them so much.  I just feel so bad I couldn't protect them somehow.  Even if they went fast and gently, they had to be in so much fear at the end.  I just feel I didn't do my part.  I'm trying to wait until we're in our new home then can get another cat - but having a hard time waiting...  I'm in a small rural area so no rescues or shelters to volunteer at.  =(  There are some strays at our property I see everyday, so that helps a little.  They were there before the fire and seem to have stuck around.  They are some farmers' cats nearby.  Have all kinds that hang around their barns and come around to eat.  This one has been there over a year now.  Have to say I'm getting attached, even though he likes to bite my foot.     

[abbeyssadmommyshay]

So glad I found this fourm. I need to cry and scream ...to people who will understand My grief . I just had to put My 16 year old Female Tuxedo cat down a couple of Days ago. She suffered from Hyperthyroidism and the previous few Days had not been eating or drinking. She got Very weak and I knew I had to make the descion to let Her go. It killed Me inside and My feelings of guilt are tremendous . What if ...what if ....I can't think straight . I miss My baby so much . We had been threw so much Together . I feel as though it will never get better . Ive never cried so much in My Life . Everyone thinks I'm crazy for being this depressed over just a pet. To Me She was Family . I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'm going crazy.

Mommy misses You Abbey ! R.I.P fur Baby

[missmyboy]

I'm so sorry about your fur baby. People don't understand do they!? When my boy was missing, I posted up a request for help on facebook. When we found out he had drowned, my Dad jumped on facebook straight away and posted on the photo of my boy "Dog found Dead."... I don't know if I'm overreacting, but it really really cut deep. Would you say that if it was a human? No, of course not!! I deleted that whole post, and a couple of days later posted a photo of Jackson and I together, with a little bit about how much I missed him (not normally much of a facebooker mind you, just thought I'd let people know as I'd asked for help looking for him). One 'friend' said "Maybe it was meant to be, he was making room for your baby"... seriously? NO. Once again, there's no way you would say that about a human, so show some respect and don't say it about my four-legged baby... and you know, he really was my baby. We don't refer to our pets as pets they are our kids... God it hurt so much. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to scream out, and not being able to stop crying. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I think the 'What ifs' are a natural part of the grieving, God knows I'm doing it all the time... what if I had just left the door closed, what if I had gone outside with the kids, what if my neighbours fence had been fixed, what if I'd gone left to look for them instead of right...etc... I'll never know how close I was when I was looking for them (to be clear both dogs ran away, we got our girl back)... You did what was best for your baby, not that it makes it easier. I wish I could give you a big cuddle, cos sometimes it really helps. I'll give you big stranger cyber cuddles instead xxx

 

[missmyboy]

By the way, Andrea I've emailed you.

 

Jess

[nammi_nammi]

Aww abbeyssadmommyshay, I'm not going to say I understand - we all had special relationships with our loved ones that no one will understand the particular pain we're going through, but I do get how you're feeling.  It's two months for me, and I'm still struggling.  2 of my kitties that I lost - 1 is one that is missing now - were tuxedo cats.  They're lovely kitties.  You're not crazy for being depressed over your pet's loss, trust me.  It's so hard, I know.  I woke this morning thinking how 9 weeks ago today I took my little Tabs to the vet for her ears.  It tore me up.  What I would do to go back 9 weeks and be with my little Tabs again - or all of them.  No, people don't seem to understand, and they can say some of the most unfeeling things.  Most of them don't mean it, but it still hurts.  I'm sorry what your dad put on facebook Jess - that had to be so hard.  And no, we wouldn't say something like that about a human.  I used to get on facebook a lot and especially Twitter, but I don't post on facebook at all after this.  People wouldn't understand my grief and would say such callous, hurtful things.  A relative now keeps posting cat stuff to my wall and told me about his cat going to be a mommy.  I lost all my cats...  I know he's trying to be helpful, but right now I'm wanting a cat in my life so badly and can't because we're in this rental home, and it just makes me feel worse.  My husband's family ganged up on me and posted not to get another cat, would only be trouble, my son needs the attention now since he has Asperger's...  After I told them off, they removed their comments and unfriended me.  Then later my sister-in-law sent me a message that hurt me deeply and I think even set me back in my healing.  Fortunately she unfriended me before I got to her.  That's how I discovered she was gone from my "friend" list.  Another thing that hurts a lot is people were messaging for awhile.  One woman even sent me a gift, and I was hoping we would be closer friends - but seems they've all disappeared but one who has been really kind.  Where is everyone else??  I'm still hurting.  It's the same grief as for a human, and it hurts so much.  I actually don't know if I would even grieve so much for a human.  I've even had to distance myself from my family.  They try to be helpful, but I just end up feeling more hurt.  So feel so alone in all this.  It will get better.  Time doesn't heal, but it does ease.  I have to keep reminding myself of this, too.  I lost a cat suddenly 9 years ago and 5 years ago lost one to FIP.  The cat I lost suddenly I struggled for a long time.  When my Sunshine died, it brought me to my knees, and I still thought of her and cried occasionally.  But I moved on and was doing great.  I suppose because I lost all at once this time around I'm having a really hard time with panic attacks and the like.  Didn't seem to have as hard a time with the others.  I suppose I'll get through, though.  As long as I'm alive I've got to.  Just be patient with yourself.  It's hard.  Nothing crazy about it.  Don't put yourself on a timeline.  It takes as much time as it takes.  And cry all you need to cry.  I understand your struggle when you looked for you baby, too, Jess.  Still looking for mine, and I was lying in bed just awhile ago thinking if I had stayed after the neighbor scared off the animals in the field that I was sure were my cats (just saw 2 sets of glowing eyes in my flashlight light), they might've been back and I could've gotten them.  They were back the next night, too, but when the neighbor yelled for me, scared them off again.  Haven't seen them since.  What if those glowing eyes are the last I'll ever see of them??  I'm wondering where they're getting food and how they're staying warm if they're still alive.  The mind goes everywhere.    

[abbeyssadmommyshay]

Thanks to both of You. I am so very sorry about Your losses too. It doesn't make it better but it helps to know there are people, who understand ....that it is a BIG deal . That in our moments of extreme sadness ...though maybe not next door ....someone is there to lean on and vent too. I know the people we expect to be there most of all ....like family ...spouces ...dont always see what thr fuss is about . So.they come off as rude and insenstive . I know in My heart unless they are total monsters.....do feel for Us and our loss. I am happy to.email chat anytime. Thank you all so much for your virtual hugs and kind words . Let me know if I can offer any of the same anytime .

[nammi_nammi]

You're welcome abbeyssadmommyshay.  It is good to have people who understand.  I'm wanting to call mom this morning but I'm not sure she will understand.  I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through this and need someone to talk to, but if I tell her that she'll panic.  Plus my son is home because of snow and sitting right here.  Probably wouldn't be good for him to hear me upset.  You're right.  I think people just don't know how to handle us really.  They don't know what to say.  It's awkward.  I'm here anytime you wish to talk.  =)

[missmyboy]

How is everyone going today?

[nammi_nammi]

Hope things are going okay with everyone, too.  I have to say my anxiety seems to be improving a bit.  I think what has helped is that I've heard we should be in our new home by April.  But it seems since my anxiety has improved somewhat, the grief is moving in more again.  Miss my kitties really bad today.  =(  Miss being a kitty mommy.  Have to wait til new home to get my sister's cat because I'm worried if I had it here it could get lost in the move later - plus would cost extra money to have it here and already so expensive.  Going Monday to see about some counseling.  Just a lot to deal with.  =/

[missmyboy]

I'm really struggling today. I was just looking at photos of my boy... it just hurts so damn much. I miss him more than anything... I still can't believe this happened. I'm so lonely without him. :'(