Members Annie_ Posted January 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 My doctor's office visit yesterday was horrible. I was okay at first but then once they took me back to the little room to wait it felt just like when I was at the hospital knowing, but not wanting to believe, that my husband had died and then having the doctor come in to tell me there was nothing they could do and he had passed away. So with that in mind I was already crying a little bit when the first nurse came in to do the blood pressures, etc. She asked what was wrong and I said I didn't want to talk about it. She kept pressing so I said my husband had died (now I'm crying more). Then she gives me a hug (okay) but then asks what happened, was it a heart attack, etc. All of this just makes it worse and now I'm full on reliving everything that happened that day. Next the doctor's assistant comes in, at least the nurse had told her what I said so she didn't ask a whole lot. Then nursing student comes in and says she is shadowing my doctor and could she do a full physical and medical history on me and be in the room when my doctor come in. I said no, that talking to more people is making it worse (by now I'm having chest pains again). Finally the doctor comes in. For the most part he is understanding and I was able to start calming down. Then he starts telling me some of his own philosophy saying that I need to let go of Jim and that I'm keeping him from being a peace and continuing on his journey. He also says something about how he and his WIFE have lost other family members so he knows how hard it is but that I just need to let go of him. So now I'm mad--he has no idea what I'm going through and to say that Jim is not at peace is just cruel. I know better. I told him I know where Jim is and he is at peace and then he did stop talking about that stuff and go back to writing out the prescription I needed. My doctor has always been great before but now I know when it comes to grief although he was trying to help me he really was just being an ass. So now, second part. I've been put in similar situations already where I have to tell someone Jim passed away and then get all kinds of questions I don't want to hear, let alone think about. What do you all think about if I printed up several copies of a little card that so that I don't have to say it myself and will get people to back off? I've come up with three variations--any other suggestions? Version 1: My husband died unexpectedly and suddenly on 12/14/13. It is traumatic for me to talk about so please don't ask. Version 2: My husband died unexpectedly and suddenly on 12/14/13. It is traumatic for me to talk about so please don't ask. It was not a heart attack, he had an aortic dissection (if you want to know, look it up). Version 3: My husband died unexpectedly and suddenly on 12/14/13. It is traumatic for me to talk about so please don't ask. Unless you lost your spouse who was also your best friend and soul mate, please do not share your own grieving stories or other types of losses--it is not the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 Yikes. I had a similar experience with a Reiki healer who told me I needed to let Tom go. I think I may have told you that. I went to what was supposed to be a group healing session (or something like that) and he and I were the only ones who showed up. He started doing Reiki on me (I didn't really know what Reiki was before that) and I started crying and he told me to stand up and he just held me and let me cry and cry and cry, which was great. But when I told him my husband had died, he told me I had to let his spirit go so that it could "move on". I thought that was asinine. There is no way for anyone to know that and it is so stupid for them to try to push their beliefs on you. So I just told him thank you for letting me cry and I left. When I was in the emergency clinic the other day the doctor (who I had met before, at another clinic) wanted me to tell him how Tom died. I just told him I couldn't talk about it. In my experience, most people have accepted that as an answer. I'm sorry that the people in your doctor's office were so unaware of how it feels that they kept pressing you for more details. I would hate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted January 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 Our society really doesn't understand grief. I sometimes wonder if we've been desensitized by all the things on the news and in movies and on TV. Or maybe we are a society that seeks to hear about the morbid so hearing someone has passed isn't enough. We want the "gory details". And how we love to gossip... "Did you hear about"... I understand your idea with versions but you never know when you might meet someone who truly wants to help. I went to my eye doctor a couple weeks after my Tom passed because I had floaters in both eyes (stress related). This man knew immediately that something was wrong and simply stated that he would keep me in his prayers. Then he stayed with me while I cried, not saying a word until I composed myself. His kindness was unexpected and I felt free to tell him what had happened. His response was a simple "I'm sorry for your loss". My eye exam took far longer than it should have because this kind man understood.Annie_ and backyarder1 - you are still so new to this grief. I pray that you meet more compassionate people on your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Annie_ Posted January 25, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 A agree with you Alone, I don't want to push away people who are good for me. I was thinking of just having these cards available to pull out and hand to someone if they've already started going in a "bad" direction for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MaryArlene Posted January 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 Annie -- I understand everyone's way of dealing with grief and dealing with people is unique and different. For me, I learned that people are always going to ask and it is really important to have a response in your back pocket. It seems that every month or so someone asks about my James, just thinking that he is at home or not with me, and they ask how he is. It takes my breath away every single time it happens when I have to say that he passed away. The inevitable question is why? what happened? It may seem over simple but I just have to tell them he had been seriously ill for the last couple of years. I had some instances early on when I told people the unflinching truth that he died from complication from Hepatitis C and that it caused cirrhosis of the liver.... I then got the question... oh ... I didn't know he was a heavy drinker. He actually didn't drink for the past 10 years. How did he get Hep C... from a blood transfusion from a car accident when he was a teenager and Hep C wasn't discovered until 20 years later. The questions just go on and on and on. The truth is that were James at my side he would never ever have told any of them the details... it just is really nobodies business. So, for me at least, I accept their deep sympathy for losing their friend, embrace their care for me and just have a simple one liner to move on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted January 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2014 MaryArlene - such good advice about the "response in your back pocket". One of the benefits of participating on this forum is that you meet people who are further along in their journey and can provide information on what's worked for them. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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