One more tiny rant - I'm not a mind reader

[backyarder1]

Okay. This one isn't a rant. But have you ever noticed that when you reach out and contact someone they all seem to say the same thing....I've been thinking about you all the time. Or I've been thinking about you every day.

I know that most of us on this forum talk about how people don't seem to care anymore BUT they all say they are thinking about us. I wonder why people are so reluctant to pick up the phone and call, or send an email or a text or just drop a card in the mail? I think it would be so helpful to people who are grieving to just KNOW that people still care, rather than thinking that no one does.

[Austykatie]

Backyarder-

 

I feel like your reading my mind today! Everything that you have posted today is just how I am feeling only you were able to put it into words which doesn't come easy for me!

 

I really feel all your pain, anxiety and frustration! Sometimes I wonder why people even say they will help or are there if you need them when really they have no intention of being. Is it to comfort us or make them feel better?

 

Try and have a better Friday night!
 

[backyarder1]

Austykatie, I think that those of us on this forum have graduated into a new level of knowledge. We now KNOW what people experiencing grief need, but before this, we were just like everyone else out there. I know that I was probably just like them before, THINKING about the grievers but rarely reaching out to them. I think, more than anything, I assumed they didn't need me. That they had other people around them giving them the love and support they needed and that I might actually be intruding if I called. Now I try to never assume that. If someone is hurting in some way, I try to call them or contact them when I can. Of course, my compassion has it's limits right now because I am still trying to get through my own grief. But I hope that from now on, I will be more compassionate to others.

[Alone]

One of the things that I've learned on this journey is that we must temper our responses. It's incredibly difficult and maybe impossible to "always be there" or to "do anything you need". Life gets in the way and the promises of "always" and "anything" go unfulfilled. And because we believed in the commitment we are disappointed and hurt.

I learned this lesson the hard way. My closest sister (Nancy) was totally committed to my Tom and me for about the first 2 weeks of my Tom's illness. She wasn't geographically close but was always available by phone, text or email. She made many promises of "always being there" during that time. Then suddenly she was gone from me... no contact at all. I found out from another sister that Nancy couldn't bear to be involved as it "hurt too much". I've heard from Nancy once since June 2012. I heard from her the day after my Tom died. Her message to me was that she can't handle my grief and will continue to stay distant. You see, she never handled her own grief from when she lost her husband over 7 years ago. She is stuck. Nancy lives about 30 minutes from me and there is no possibility of us supporting one another.

So I've learned to be cautious with commitments and I rarely make promises. My responses include "I'll do my best" or "if I can" or other phrases that recognize that life may get in the way. BUT I also do my best to be there as I understand how much support we all need.

[backyarder1]

Thanks for your response, Alone. I think we also have to temper our expectations. I am sure that most people definitely would love to be able to ease our suffering but most of them really don't know how. Maybe "thinking about us" is the most that some of them can do.

On the other hand, we often need to speak up for what we need. If we need someone to hold us or call us or email us everyday to check in, I think we should be strong enough to ask for it. But then again, we need to make sure we are strong enough to accept the fact that they may not be able to do it.

[Alone]

BY1 - have you ever heard of a grief letter? I've never done one but here are the steps I was given.

Describe what you have experienced and how you are feeling about it.

Let people know what they can expect from you in your current state.

Give your friends instructions on what they can do to help during this time. Let them know what is needed and when it is needed.

I heard about grief letters in a group I attended. I didn't think the process was right for me but I've heard that it helped others. The letter is supposed to be particularly helpful when you have specific needs like maybe help watching children or pets, or help with grocery shopping or cooking meals, or help getting to appointments.... you know, tangible things.

[backyarder1]

That sounds like a good idea, Alone. I'd probably have a hard time doing it, though. I've never been very good at asking for what I need. I know. I just said that we "should" do that, but it doesn't mean that I can.

I mean, I could write a letter like that and give it to my inlaws, for example, and tell them that I would really like them to call me more often. But then I am always just going to feel like they are doing it out of obligation rather than a genuine concern for me.

I think, in my case, I feel like nobody loves me right now. I know that is an exaggeration and an over simplification of the emotion I am feeling, but that's what I feel. My husband, who was my main source of love, is gone. My own family is so dysfunctional that they don't even know what love is. I have a few friends who truly do love me and I feel that from them but they have their own lives. So I hear from them maybe once a week. But I have a huge NEED for it now and not enough sources to supply it. Some people have pets. Some people have kids. Or they have parents or loving siblings. I don't have those things.

So I'm trying to create new friendships now, during my time of grief, which isn't the best time for forging new friendships.

A lot of the grief support books that I have read mention that you have to kind of re-create yourself after a major loss. And I do know that I need to re-create some things. I need to become stronger. More able to ask for what I need. More willing to say NO to what I don't need. But all of those things are going to take time and possibly more strength than I have right now.

That's part of why the true, genuine care and concern from total strangers is so important right now. Some people have a very big capacity for love and, even as strangers, are able to share it with those in need. I have met a few people like that on this "journey" and their compassion has been great.

[Alone]

BY1 - understood - I can't write a letter like that either.

 

Regarding family - I think there is the family which you are born into.  That family may be supportive or not.  In my case my parents are gone and most of my siblings are not supportive and the others are trying to recreate me into something more like them.  No thank you.  We also have families that are born to us or that we gain through marriage or committed relationship.... "step" children and grandchildren and "in-laws".  Again, that family may be supportive or not.  In my case that support is still an unknown.  Then there is the family created by friends.  I don't have many true friends right now so I am trying to create that family.

 

There is nothing easy about this journey and trying to recreate myself at this age seems both ridiculous and necessary.  I never imagined that I would feel this confused and old at this age.  Maybe that's because chronologically I am 60, but according to physical and emotional energy I feel 100+.