My Morning Rant

[backyarder1]

I'm still all stressed out. And the stress symptoms only make things worse. I have to learn how to do a lot of things that I have never had to do before. Make decisions. Be assertive. I don't know why I feel like any of that is any different from when Tom was here, but I do. I guess I could fall back on him for some things and now I can't.

I got new glasses and they are all wrong and I have to go back and deal with that. It's a stupid thing, but it's stressing me out. I hate stuff like that. Confrontation.

I'm stressing myself out trying to figure out what sort of Memorial structure to have built for Tom, or decide whether I should even do it or not. I started the whole idea because I thought I would get more donations for him and I didn't. And I thought I would be able to get people to help me with the planning and I haven't. I mean, I don't want Tom to be forgotten and it would be nice to do something, but it is a huge thing. Lots of decisions and lots of money, both.

I think it's so weird that when someone dies, everyone says "if there is anything at all I can do to help you, let me know". And then when you actually ask them for something, like give me some suggestions on Tom's memorial, they don't have any time.

It's such a completely lost feeling to feel like everyone has pretty much forgotten about you and what you are going through. I never hear from Tom's family. There are several people who I always considered to be really close friends, although we don't see each other much, who I thought would still be checking in on me and making sure I am okay, but they don't. So you are missing the one person who loved you the most and now you find out that a lot of the other people who you thought loved you, don't really. Not like you thought they did. But I do have to admit that there are a few wonderful, wonderful ones who do.

There are friends of Tom's who have NEVER called to say anything. I really don't think that people get how dark and depressing and devastating this feeling is and everyone just ignores you, thinking you can pull through it on your own, and I don't think it is something that anyone can do alone.

I'm stressing myself out trying to decide if I need a counselor or not. I've gone to one crappy one and have an appointment with another on Monday but I might cancel.

I'm stressing myself out trying to decide if I need to go to a doctor or whether all of my symptoms are just stress related and what I really need to do is just quit stressing.

So I'm stressing out about not knowing how to quit stressing out. Do I take meds? I don't want to. But what else is the answer. I can't just keep walking around feeling like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.

I'm stressing myself out about the money even though I think that is a stupid thing to stress about. But certainly my house and my car and everything else I own is going to start falling apart. And Tom won't be here to help fix them or to earn any money to help pay. So even if I have enough money to live as I have been living, will I have enough to also live in upkeep and replacement mode?

And if it was nice and warm out, I could go outside and DE-stress. But I hate the cold so I am stuck inside in this lifeless, deathly silent home, spending my time talking on grief support websites because the people there are the only people who seem to understand.

Ahhh, ranting actually helps a little I think. Maybe my stress will be a little lower now.

[Annie_]

I think trying another counselor would be a good thing.  Like grief support groups, sometimes its just not a good fit.  I told you about the one I'm seeing.  I had my second visit this week, I really like him and it does help. 

 

Like you, I also don't like taking medication, but I am for now because of the same problem with my heart racing and overwhelming stress and anxiety.  It does help.  It doesn't numb me to the grief, but it does calm my heart and when I do start getting stressed it keeps it from escalating out of control. Please don't rule it out.  For me just finding out there was nothing physically wrong with my heart and the symptoms were just stress helped me not stress as much when it happens.

 

Hang in there.  If you think it will help, just try to mentally push a pause button and go take walk or a hot bubble bath or do something else that might help you relax.  The things that stress me often don't seem as bad or overwelming if I just take a break, try to relax, and go back to dealing with it later.

[backyarder1]

Thanks Annie, that is what I am doing today. Taking a break. I had all sorts of things I thought I had to and instead I am just enjoying a good book. As for the counselor, right now I am waiting until I determine my finances. My insurance will pay some but office visits with the Dr. you recommended will be $50 per visit. No bad, I know, but if I went every week, I would have to see where another $200 a month is going to come from.

But I feel good and peaceful right now.

[Alone]

glad to hear you found some peace BY1