Mom left me behind and I was only 4...now I'm 41 and it's all haunting me

[lostNcambridge]

37 years ago my Mom committed a major sin in our religion, she took her life, leaving behind a loving husband and three little girls. My two older sisters age 9 (who was the first to find her dead on the floor) and 7 (who has tried to kill herself 8 times now) and myself, 4. I didn't know the truth of what had happened untill about twenty years latter.  My whole family painted a picture of a loving mother who was very ill and who God called home to be one of his angels. All I remembered was that Mom was sick (heart problems I was told).  She had her kane, then a walker, and then it progressed to her wheelchair. I remember that dark deadly morning running to the kitchen after my sisters came in to tell me Momma was gone (I was looking for my Daddy to make it all better) and seeing her being taking out of the house. Her body just lying there on the strecher, non moving...I remember trying to reach for her whispering "Momma"? and my Daddy just scooping me up in his massive arms, holding my head to his shoulder tight...I remember the tears running down his face.....so many times that scene has replayed itself over and over in my head. I just pushed it backed all these years. It's been just snap shots of Mom that I remembered (times at the park, birthday parties in the back yard, etc.) till now.... At my presant age of 41 I found out that along with the heart problems she had cancer. That she had fought and fought and fought untill she just couldn't fight anymore. Now I am in therapy and they say I have PTSD stemming from this. It has opened a gate of so many memories, so many feelings, (love, hate, rage, sorrow....) I find myself crying without being able to stop...mad at everyone, the world, even those closest to me that I love more then anything. PLEASE, am I alone? Will this ever stop? And how do I go on from here? I can't get her dead body out of my mind....or my fathers nights of crying for the lose of the love of his life. The prayers are said as they were then and I will continue to pray to my God for healing and understanding, but there are SO many unanswered questions for me. Why did she do it? Did she hurt that much? Was it because she became more abusive to my sisters the sicker she became? Sometimes there's a great burden of guilt I feel, that it's my fault. From what I have been told from certain family members she was warned from her doctors NOT to go threw with the pregnancy of me.  That it would weaken her, that her body couldn't do it. So why did she? She already had two young daughters and a husband to think of, to care for, to love. DID I MAKE THINGS WORSE?  Everytime time I watch my sister try to end her life it takes alittle more from me.  She hurts so bad inside because Momma's gone...IS THAT MY FAULT???? I need to know.  At moments feelings just seem to over flow my mind. I'm pushing the world away. I can't share how I feel and what's going on in my head with those I know and love. I don't know why. I just haven't been able to do so.  I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL, HOW TO MOVE ON AND THAT I'M NOT ALONE WITH THIS Someone PLEASE HELP  !!!!!!!

[Sehausle]

I am so sorry for the tremendous amount of pain your in. While your experience was different- and therefore your grief is different , I can relate to your feelings of loss and guilt. I lost my dad recently - at the age of 27. He drown four days after while at my destination wedding. It is tempting to question yourself and feel guilt ...I sometimes feel if I never got married in Mexico my dad would be on this earth still...would it have been different if I had been out there with him? It is also tough to witness your parent die (I was one of the first to see him after someone pulled him out of the water). It does sound like you may be experiencing some PTSD. I highly reccomend you seek counseling or therapy. What you're going through is extremely difficult - and no one should have to work through those thoughts and feelings on their own. You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to talk with those you are closest to about things- but you should really try to talk to someone.  

 

I want to urge you not to be tempted to say the "If only I..." " or "was it me..." or feel guilt for something you did not do or cause.  When I started doing that my neighbor said something that really stuck with me. She said, you are not that powerful...if you were I'd ask you to play the lottery on my behalf. It sounds silly, but it's true...we cannot know why senseless things happen. We cannot know why my dad drown wearing a lifevest snorkling, and we cannot know what led your mom to take her own life. I know different churches believe different things- but I am a Christian that believes GOD is forgiving and loving and he is now with your mom and has taken her pain away Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

 

I can tell your spirit is crushed too. I am sending understanding, love, and peace your way and I hope you can find the strength you need to see the beauty in life and feel joy once again.

 

 

S.

[Flyaway grey]

Thanks for this!