I blame myself for my mother's death

[lisasloss]

My mother died in September.  She always counted on my to take care of her.  She said she wasn't feeling well and I didn't take her seriously.

I have no husband or children, I'm all alone and I don't know how live.  Nothing comforts me, I have no interest  in anything.  I quit work.  I'm like a zombie.

I don't know what to do or how to begin living again.

PLEASE HELP!

[AuntB27]

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I obviously don't know you or your mother, but I'm sure she loved you very much & would hate for you to beat yourself up or feel guilty. The truth is, you were there for your mother for so much & so long. I'm sure she appreciated all you did for her. I lost my mother as well, and often times I ask myself if I could have done more or even just spent more time with her - but the truth is we've done the best we could. We aren't doctors or God; we don't control things. I'm so very sorry that you feel so alone and like a zombie. I know words cannot even begin to comfort you, but please remember all of the good/fun memories you had with her. I know that has helped me quite a bit. Life sure is a funny thing, and some of us are only blessed to have great family members around like you. Not all people would put their lives on hold to take care of their mothers. 

[AuntB27]

Are you feeling better today?

[Trish91]

Hi Lisa,

 

How are you today? We are here to listen to you and try to help, as we are all in the same boat, sad but true. So please feel free to vent and let us know your thoughts and feelings. You don´t know us personally, but we all understand what you are going through.

 

It may be true that we aren´t all in the exact same situation, but we all lost our moms or dads and are mourning their deaths every single day of our lives.

 

I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much, honestly, but you need to take care of yourself, sleep, eat, have hobbies, get back to work when you are ready for it, and live on......Do you think your mom would like to see you suffer like that? Don´t you think that our moms would wanna see us happy again and living again?

 

Do you have any siblings, good friends and other relatives who can help you right now? It is important that you find a support group or a bereavement couselor or that you visit your doctor and get some specialized support right now. Perhpas you need to take some medication for a while? At least while your mind stabilizes a little bit after such a shock?

 

I loved and love my mom to bits, she lives in my heart and in my memory, and I was very lucky to have her for over 30 years. I know that she is no longer with me, physically, but I know that she is still with me in spirit, and that she now lives in a much better place, free from all pain and suffering, and with her own mom and dad and her extended family. I know that she´s with God.

 

Although very often I also feel like a zombie and that I cannot go on, I feel that both God and my mom want me to survive, that they both want me to live until my time comes, otherwise, I would have died alongside her, as losing her has been like losing a vital organ, like part of me is missing.

 

Anyhow, if you wish to talk please feel free to contact me, and please come here as often as you need. We are here to help each other out.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Yegil]

Hi

I lost my mother on Jan 6 this year and I understand your loss

My mom had always had chronic pains and she had type 2 diabetes so when she started complaining of pains in her leg, we thought they were the old symptoms, except that they were the manifestations of a well advanced Multiple Myeloma.

We wasted three months in consulting the wrong and irresponsible doctors and anyway the malady was so advanced that the cure wouldn' t have changed anything, but we could have spared her less pain with a programmed palliative care.

What about your mom?

[Trish91]

Hi Yegil,

 

I am really sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are talking about because my mom´s inept and negligent doctors stated that she had herniated discs in her spine when she actually had cancer that had spread to her pelvic bones, and perhaps even caused a fracture, which caused her a lot pain, so we also wasted three months, and by the time the cancer was found it was way too late, as it had spread to her liver, rib cage and bones. Of course, lung cancer is very rarely curable, as the prognosis depends on the type of gene that causes it and the type of tumour, so ultimately, there wasn´t much that we could have done, because she never showed any symptoms, only till the cancer had spread to her bones, before that, she was extremely healthy, breathing perfectly, eating perfectly, walking perfectly and enjoying her life to the fullest.

 

Anyhow, for what I´ve read, lung cancer survival rates after five years are only 14 to 15 percent, so it´s a truly deadly type of cancer that spreads fairly quickly, very often to the brain, and so, when someone´s time to die comes, it comes, and there is nothing that we can do about it.

 

It is truly sad but true. Unless we were doctors, there was little that we could have done, and even if we were doctors, they are also human and make lots of mistakes themselves.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[traveler1959]

Lisa it is normal for one to ask oneself , " could I have done more"? I lost my  parents over 15 years ago and lost my wife  of 29 years last Nov.. And I have asked that question, "could I have done more"? on each of their deaths.  There is no correct answer. As long as one does their best, then that is all anyone can ask for. When the time comes, we all wish for a quick death, but that don't always happen. I have told my children that when it comes my time, don't grieve anymore than you have to, I lived the time allotted to me on this earth, if I had a long illness, then be thankful that I would be in a place where there no pain and no suffering. If I die suddenly, then be thankful that I didn't have to suffer a long illness. Lisa  I'm sure your mother knows that you done your best, now it is your turn to pull things together and move on. May God bless you Lisa.

[Zuzulisa]

Lisa,

My Mother died January 4, 2013 at 2:00 a.m.  She refused to eat beginning in September of 2012.  We didn't know that she wasn't eating until I asked about her weight loss.  At first the Nursing Home said she was okay, then when I kept bringing up the question because she was emaciated, they started having her tested and then trying to get her to eat.   The reason she didn't eat was because she no longer wanted to eat pureed food!  They pureed her food so she could eat it without choking after they misplaced her bottom teeth (plate).  I could not immediately replace the missing teeth because of monetary concerns and the difficulty involved with getting her to the Dentist.   My error because when it was too late, I discovered that we could not replace the plate because her bones beneath her gums had deteriorated to the point that it was not possible to make a new set of teeth for her.  I didn't know what to do.   About 5 months after learning this news about no new teeth and 3 months after seeing my brother, Mother decided that she did not want to eat pureed food anymore.   Then when I asked for Hospice and pallitative care, it was maddening because they went out of their way to avoid giving the care.  They were their starting  around midday, the day she died.  I was numb.  I did not cry at her funeral.  I did not cry when they called me to tell me she had passed.  I cried buckets when our dog died in March, 2014, but I did not cry for Mother.  I did not cry until September 2013 and I realized that the whole year had passed with me in a stupor.   I did not take care of much of anything.  I just wanted to sleep or avoid everyone.  I didn't care about much.   I was grieving and didn't know it.   When the tears came and I realized what I had been doing -- this was when it was if I had awoken, finally!  I can't do everything, but now I do what I need to do and I do what I want to do.  I am no longer passively just sitting and griping about others.  I know I have to get my business in order and my life has to be mine!  I know that I could have done more for Mother, but I did not know or realize at the time that I should have done more.   Also I did not see my Mother's deteriorating capablities.   I kept wanting her to try to be the Mother I had known at an earlier time.  She kept telling me that she was failing and I did try to help, but I could not do her writing, reading, and personal care for her.  I felt that I was needed to run my business so I could pay for the help she needed.  That became a catch 22 situation because I could pay for the help and then they would want more and I couldn't pay.  She was with me for the last six years of her life and it was a very stressful time.  After she died, I just quit!  Now that I can cry and I am aware that I am grieving, I can also forgive.  I can realize that I am not omniscient.  I am human and can make errors.  But it is not easy.  I cry easily, but it is not easy to forgive myself.  However, now I can begin to get myself together so that I can discover what I really want to do with my time at this time of my life.   I don't know if this helps.  I hope it does.  

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I blame myself for my father's death so often that it makes me sick. We are all human and make errors, but I feel my error goes beyond anything that can be forgiven. I can't forgive myself.

 

I know I shouldn't blame myself, it was out of my control. I didn't want him to die. I didn't want any bad things to ever come to him. But 99% of the time I blame myself anyways. He said his head was hurting, I should have listened. I shouldn't have just left him there. I should have at least bothered to ask him how bad it hurt. I should have asked if he wanted me to call 911. I did none of those things, I didn't even act like I cared. I was going about things based on a past situation in which he was breathing in the same manner. I thought it was just a stupid breathing thing from the smoking. And then he died. He died due to my own negligence. 

 

Neither of us knew what was going on in his head. I'm not a doctor. I can't detect a brain aneurysm. But I'm supposed to protect my dad in the same way that he protected me. He was there for me every step of my life, and the one time he needed me the most, I failed him. I feel so worthless. I can't give back to him. I can't ever bring myself to become even half the man he was.

 

It was a catch 22 situation for me, too. It was either he died or live and be brain damaged for the rest of his life. Those are the only options following a ruptured brain aneurysm, especially given his age and health. I'll always take a brain damaged dad over a dead one. I would have taken care of him. I would have done anything for him. But instead, I'll never get that chance.

 

Life is gone. I died when my dad did. I can't focus on anything other than this. I don't care about anything anymore. I want to forgive myself, I want to just let it go. But he's my dad, I can't let it go. I will never let it go. No amount of reading about brain aneurysms will change the fact that he died from one. The only thing that makes me feel even remotely better about his death is reading about horror stories that survivors of aneurysms go through. I have to feel the pain of others just to relieve my own pain and it shouldn't have to be that way.

 

I am lonely and without a best friend anymore. I am useless. The one reason I was put on this planet was because my dad wanted a son, he wanted a friend. I was his son to the best of my abilities, but it wasn't enough. He died and I get to live, it's not fair to him. Why did he have to die? It wasn't his time and I refuse to believe it was. He was only 62 years old. You're not supposed to die in your 60s. Smoking didn't help his cause, but it wasn't going to just suddenly kill him one day.

 

What do I want to do with my time? I want to help others in the same situation as me. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Make sure not a single other person has to die because of a brain aneurysm they never even knew they had.

[vijay]

Hi, 

I lost my mother to cardiac arrest, she was diabetic and saying she feels heavyness in heart. we consulted a doctor and he changed blood pressure medicine. But nobody suggested it can be a heart related problem. She got stent in 2019 and in august 2020 she had cardiac arrest and left. She was living with my brother. We all feel, we could not take care of her and consulted best doctors and our neglegence caused her death. 

It is so painful.

[reader]

Dear Vijay,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. We all loved our parents so much, the pain and sorrow is very hard to go through.

I know its always easier said than done but you did all you could. Even doctors will miss their own parent's illnesses. 

Thinking of you and your family. Sending my thoughts and prayers.