Sudden Loss of Adult Brother

[Gina1714]

My brother died on January 7, 2014, two days after being rushed to the hospital for pancreatitis--he died of massive organ failure due to pancreatitis. I never even knew what a pancreas was?! People who I tell what he died from are like, "Really? Pancreatitis?" like it is no big deal. I guess for some people it isn't, but for him, it was the end of his life. I don't know how to explain my feelings to anyone. The only person who understands is my mother, who is also on this site. We find it helpful. There is so much happening to me. Physically, I feel like I have been crying non-stop, my chest really feels like I just stopped crying, but I have not had a breakdown in a few days. I am worn out easily but the days seem SOOOOO long. Mentally, I am numb and so deeply sad. I feel this big gaping hole in me. I am constantly thinking of dying, of how much nothing that I thought mattered before matters now, and I obssess over where he is, if he is out there. I do have some faith, but when something like this happens, everything I thought I believed in comes crashing down. I am terrified that my brother simply stopped existing, which I know must be common, but that doesn't make it any better. Still, I do hold onto that glimmer of faith and science that tells me this all has to mean something, that this life cannot be all. People are telling me things like, "He is with you" or "Get back to normal, it will help," but how can they know that no matter what minute of the day or what I am doing, I am feeling that hole in my chest, that feeling that something is horribly wrong about the world. I am a robot at work, and I know it is still too soon, but everything has changed and nothing has changed and it kills me. My brother and I went through some very unique things that made us incredibly close, but we fought all the time about family stuff. I am struggling with anger because everyone around me is fine and I am not. My wedding is coming up this summer, and the idea of planning a wedding without my brother there is making me sick to even think of. I cannot bring myself to look at anything involving the wedding right now. I had planned to have a special dance with my brother, and now he won't be there to see the happiest day of my life, to see my children grow up. I hate this. Everyone is so cheery and trying to make me feel better, but that only makes me more angry. I know in my head that they don't mean any harm, that they are trying to help, but really, I want to scream at them for treating me like everything is normal. It is NOT normal or ok, and I am not okay even when I lie and smile and pretend I am. If one more person tells me "Time heals all wounds" I am going to smack them. Looking forward, I have a very clear understanding that this wound will never heal because he is never coming back. I do understand that my grief will change, and I will learn to live happy someday, but being told that in six months I will be fine doesn't help me much now. It only makes me more angry. I am still scared I don't realize how real it is, how final and forever it is. I don't know how to talk to people or to explain myself without seeming like I don't appreciate them. I don't know how to explain to them how dark and scary and awful this grief is. I find myself hiding my feelings, being quiet, and my mom said she feels the same, alone except for me and her since it was always me, my mother and my brother growing up. Like I said, my mom is the only one who knows and feels this (times a million being his mother). How do I do this? How do I get people to stop pretending it didn't happen? I hate that people are just acting like everything is fine again. I am not fine. I do not want people to pretend he didn't exist or that I should be smiling and excited for things I am not excited for right now. This is not fine. Any ideas on how toshare my feelings with those around me who did not know him but are close to me? I feel like I am just pretending to be okay because everyone thinks I have to get back to normal. I don't know...any advice would be greatly appreciated? Anyone feel the same things? Please share.

[diane1234]

Hi Newbie,

I lost my Older Brother suddenly 7 yrs ago suddenly too. He went in for a routine back surgery and never woke up (he was in a coma for 2-3 weeks). I was thinking of him tonite and decided to visit this thread in his honor :-) I felt your pain for a loooooooooooooong time after he died. He was my only BIG Bro (I have 2 sisters ). I couldn't function well w/ in our family w/out him. I had that same hole in the soul feeling. I come from a family that hides feelings.

I  was searching for anyone to know this pain.....Then  I found this site when it was beyond indigo.com. I was amazed that this thread even existed. I shared my feelings and heartache on a diff thread w/ 3 others who had lost a brother (too soon). We r still fb friends & 2 of us actually met :-) Keep putting one foot in front of the other...sometimes in life we r sent on a firewalk that we don't want...know there r many others who have had this walk & survived! I am one of the survivors and it does get better eventually. It's those first few days & months that make you wonder when the darkness ends...I'm here to tell U there is a Dawn <3

Blessings to you,

[Gina1714]

Diane,

 

Thank you for visiting and writing to me. It means a lot since I wasn't sure there was anyone out there who could understand or know what I was talking about. I am feeling a lot of anger lately, which I know is part of the process but doesn't make it any better. It is still very much unreal and fresh and raw. It feels like someone ripped my heart open, and there are so many more emotions than I was ready to deal with--not that you are ever ready for any of this. I wish I could talk to him once more, say to him the things I never got to say. My last words to him were I love you, but that wasn't enough. Not nearly. There were years of things I had left to say, to share. Time goes on. I kind of feel frozen in place, but I guess that will pass. Thanks again...

 

Gina