Members Alone Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 I don't know who I am....This lack of identity has many components but is primarily driven by the loss of my husband.I know I was transformed during the years I had my Tom. The transformation started while we were friends and intensified throughout the years because we shared. I know that my Tom was transformed during those years by me as each day until his death we grew closer to one another. I know that this type of transformation is driven by the depth of relationship and not necessarily by years. But, having many years provides more opportunity to share, grow and transform.I know that I don't want to be who I was before my Tom came into my life. I know that I can't continue to fully be the person I was while my Tom was in my life as so very, very many things have changed. I'm not sure how to find the new me. AND how do I make sure that the new me is someone I am proud of? Yes, I want to be someone my Tom would be proud of, but I have to be proud of me too. The reinvention will take place. How do I steer it in the right direction? I feel rudderless on this ocean of life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 How true, alone. I, too, am trying to reinvent myself. But I am trying very hard to make sure that I learn from all of the things that my Tom taught me. He was much more loving than I. More generous. More kind. I am trying to learn to transform myself into a more perfect person, combining the good things I learned from Tom with the good qualities that I already had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted January 21, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Backyarder1 - like your Tom, my Tom was amazing. Some of the men who served under my Tom in Vietnam told me that my Tom was the greatest hero they ever met. (FYI - his job was covert, clandestine missions with the SEALS and "nasty boats" on the rivers. He was there for a total of 29 months and all his men came home alive.). That war experience helped my Tom define for himself what is truly important in this life. My Tom guided me to a much kinder, patient and stronger person than I ever thought possible. I know that my struggle with reinvention is impacted by other big losses.... I was downsized from my job .... I moved back to the state where I was born... stepsons and grandchildren who were distance due to demands from their mother (Tom's ex-wife) are even more distant now... So I'm in a new/old place with a weak support system. Each day is a challenge to hold onto the good from the past and look for good in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 It is a very difficult challenge, Alone. I don't know how old you are but I really never thought I would have to reinvent myself at this age. But I'm trying my best to stay positive about the whole process. It is so interesting to me that so many of us can really see the amazing qualities in our lost loved ones. As if the really special ones are the ones who are "called home", if that's what you want to call it. Maybe they were angels sent down here from heaven to teach us, and other people, how to be better humans. And if that is true, we certainly should do our best to make sure that we carry on their "lessons". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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