Things People Say

[Sehausle]

I wanted to open up this forum to discuss things people have said that hit us the wrong way. Perhaps it was well meaning perhaps not...but here is your chance to vent.

 

A few of the ones that have come to my mind recently:

 

1) " If my dad died, I would die...I don't know how you're functioning right now" - Because I have to. Because I do not have the option of just laying down and dying, because my dad would never want me to stop living. NO that doesn't mean I am doing ok, I am sad, furious, exhausted, lonely,and my heart is shattered. NO,that doesn't mean I didn't love my dad to the moon and back and NO that comment does not suggest you love your dad any more or less than I did. NO, you would not die either- you cope- you still have life to answer to.    

 

2) "Oh, you're back at work already"  or "You seem like you're doing well"- Yes, I am at work and No, this doesn't say anything about my grieving process which is unique to everyone. No, you do not have the right to comment on it or suggest what that might mean. As for me "doing well".. how can a person assume to know what is in my heart and head- or what I struggle with personally?

 

3) "How did it happen?" - Never appropriate to ask any family member or friend at the viewing- I mean come on people...this is not the time to seek answeres to all of your questions.

 

4) This is the hardest one for me...I had a family member reply "You kids and your destination weddings" ....my dad drowned four days after my wedding while we were in Mexico so this I felt was particularly heartless.

 

 

It feels better just to get a few of these off of my chest. Handling hurtful comments is an experience I am sure we can all relate to on some level.

 

-S.

[AT25]

So sorry to hear of your of your dad's passing. Unfortunately we here have felt this similar pain, fortunately we have all found each other to help cope.

 

1) I have heard that one many times as well. It is true, we go on because you have to and it is what they wanted. My mom and your dad would want us to continue because that honors their memory. I feel a ton of pain and loss right now, but I know you are right.

 

2) I'm at work right now. It is hard for people to relate and post loss interactions can be hard. I think most times people mean well, but those type of comments can come off as insensitive for sure.

 

3) Horrible question that should never be asked. The day before my mother passed, I was speaking with a woman I work with about family members she had lost. Her son was one of them. Did not even cross my mind to ask how. If a person wants to tell you, they will on their own.

 

4) Ouch, I'm very sorry you had to hear that one. Surely out of anger, but completely inappropriate. This is in no way your fault and your family member had no business putting that on you.

 

 

A lot of my experience of people saying things that hit me the wrong way was with doctors. They can be clinical, condescending, and heartless in delivery of news.

 

My mom was hanging on after cardiac arrest. The original neurologist said to have hope and that he has seen patients in her type of condition make progress (He had lost his mother recently and was very sincere). I then had another Doctor call me on Christmas Eve letting me know they would be transferring her soon, her prognosis was poor, and she likely had severe brain damage. Said in a tone that lacked any empathy.

 

I let another doctor know we had planned to wait and see where she progresses. He told me I can tell you where she will be in 3 months. Exactly where she is know. She has low brain function and will stay this way until her heart stops. He then simply walked away, not a sign of sympathy in has manner or tone. Completely condescending and lacked any emotion... my mom is laying there and he delivered horrible news without any emotion or even an "I'm sorry."