I lost my mom

[AT25]

My mom passed away last week at 66. She went into sudden cardiac arrest in December and was rescucitated. She was hooked up to a ventilator and remained on for a month but never regained consciousness. It was the hardest month of my life, they told me it was a 6 to 12 month recovery but considered her to be likely brain damaged with a poor outcome. I visited everyday and talked to her telling her how much I love her. The day before she died, she opened one eye and had a pained look on her face. I told her I loved her and I would never quit on her. We would beat this thing together. At the same time it pained me seeing her in such bad shape. I didn't utter a word for the rest of the night and went right to bed at home. I received a call at work the next day her heart had stopped again and this time they could not save her.

 

I saw my mom at least 5 days a week and talked to her everyday on the phone. I lost a special person in my life. Someone who was always on my side and loved me unconditionally. It was the worst day of my life. I have no remaining parents or brothers and sisters. I have a 10 year old son who is taking it very hard because they were so close, I keep it together for him when he is around even though I'm dying and empty inside at times. My girlfriend has been great, I lean on her extensively. I also have a few close friends who knew her well. I have no interest in anything right now. Everything seems so pointless and everything I make myself do drains me. Sometimes I wake up and forget for a second, then it hits me. Sometimes my phone rings and I think it is her. These are the moments that seem to cut through me like a knife.

 

T

 

 

[Sehausle]

T, I am so sorry for your pain and the loss of your mom. While I can never know your grief (as only you can), I can relate to some of your feelings with the recent loss of my dad. What keeps me moving forward is knowing my dad would want me to live a happy and full life , he would want me to experience joy again.I hope you can again experience all the great beauty that life can bring- and realize that life can be very sad sometimes but there is also a lot of good (it's a  paradox)...I know it's hard to see that right now, and that's ok.  

 

I hope you can be there for your son- and not try too hard to "be strong" because kids need to know its ok to grieve and be sad about the loss of someone you love- it's natural.  Perhaps just holding on tight together and crying together will help? Just a thought.

 

Peace to you,

 

S

[AT25]

Hi S,

 

I'm very sorry to hear of the recent passing of your dad.

 

I have lost it crying a few times when he was around. He cried through the viewing, funeral, and burial services. We let him spend Sunday with his little cousin which cheered him up. Also gave me a full day to grieve without having to worry about upsetting him.

 

I think you are correct my mom would want me to live a full and happy life. Just having difficulty accepting that she is gone and I can no longer go and see her. We were lucky to have shared many of those beautiful moments together, which makes this time so difficult.

 

[ForeverRemembered]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.  I am not on here often anymore, but I saw your post in my email and I had to come here and reply.  I lost my mom on 09/11/2012.  She was also 66 years old.  She also had heart problems.  My daugher, who was 11 (almost 12 years old) when my mom died, never seemed to grieve at all.  My son was 8 (almost 9 years old) when she died and he had a lot of trouble with her death.  Always at bedtime he would cry.  He said he didn't want to go to sleep because he would have dreams of her at night.  I thought it was just normal dreams of her and he missed her.   I would try to comfort him.  After awhile, I thought he was just trying to get me to lie down with him at night because it was the only thing that seemed to comfort him.  But one day, he told me the dream he kept having was Grandma was really mean to him.  It was so odd for him to be saying that because my mom loved him so much and was never mean to him.  I assured him that she was never mean to him. She loved him so much, but she was really sick, and now she isn't hurting anymore.  Everytime he heard a Christmas song he would make me turn it off.  If I didn't turn it off, he would start to tear up. I bought him a cross necklace to wear and he hated it and refused to wear it because it was a sign of God and it made him think of Grandma. (That one was really hard on me.)  He asked me to please take her photos down and I did.  They are back up now, but I just understood that he couldn't deal with looking at her everyday.  It was through time that the photos slowly started to show back up around the house.  His teacher called me one day and told me that he was crying and said he missed me and she thought I needed to come and pick him up.  I did pick him up that day but I was clear to let him know that it was okay to be upset and I understood that he didn't want to leave me, but I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.  I did tell him that if it happened again, I would come up to school and sit with him until he felt better....but I wouldn't take him home.  Thankfully, it never happened again.  It was so hard and I didn't know what to do because it was difficult to see him going through the grieving process.  I made sure to tell his teachers what was going on at home so they would understand.  I started to talk about Grandma at home with a smile.  I talked of all the silly things she use to do with them.  It all started to go away.  I don't know exactly how long it took, but it slowly got better.  It was only this past Christmas Eve that we started to go to church again.  We have been every Sunday since!  I missed being in church!  We never missed church until my mom past away.  For me it was hard to go back to church.  Not just because I knew my son had such a difficult time with it....but I thought there was no way that I could sit in church without falling apart.  However, it was through time that I went back to church and found strength to truly enjoy being there.

 

My mom was struggling to breathe when she died.  It was terrible and traumatic for me.  My mom suffered for awhile to breathe before she died.  I saw her turn blue.  It was awful!  I remember someone told me something that helped me so much during the first few months.  They said your brain will go over and over the events that happened in your mom's death because it is trying to process what happened.  He said it can take up to a year for your brain to fully process what happened.  I remember I could cry in a second.  It didn't matter where I was but I would just start to think of those last moments and I would start to cry.  I remember I had a hard time falling asleep because everytime I would lie down I would start to relive those last moments....I would start to cry.    So when my mind would start to think of my moms death, I would tell myself (or my brain) that I did not want to process this now.  I will process it at a later time and I would make myself start thinking about something else.  Most of the time, it really worked!  I was able to take the images out of my head and avoid the mini breakdowns.

 

For me.....time is the only thing that slowly helped me.  The grieving process is so hard.  It takes a long time.  I remember standing in front of a friend crying about my son.  She told me to give it a year.  Once the year anniversary has past, it will start to get better.  I had heard this from several people and I didn't really believe her.  I started to feel better as the year went on but I would ask myself..."Is this the new me?"  "Is this how I am going to be forever?"  I was a different person now.   On 09/11/2013 the year mark anniversary of my mom's death was hard.  It was almost as if I was reliving everything all over again.  But oddly as it sounds, the next day I knew that I was past what everyone said was the hardest.  I felt better. 

 

I will admit that I did go on some antidepressants. I never wanted to take those things!  They were only for the weak and I was not weak!  I had too because I wasn't having fun with my kids anymore.  One day I realized that I lost my mom BUT my kids were also losing their mom.  I wasn't laughing like I use too.  I wasn't going on our bike rides or playing games like we always did.  It wasn't fair to them that they were losing their mom...ME!  I hated to start them, but they did help me so much.  BUT....I did need them and they did help me.  I remember within the week that I started to take them....I heard myself laugh outloud.  A big belly laugh with my kids and it was weird!  I hadn't heard myself laugh like that in a long time that it was odd to hear.  That was when I knew that I did the right thing. 

 

So, here I am a year and 4 months after my moms death and I am a lot better than I was.  A lot better.  I feel like me again.  I still miss my mom and I still cry.  I still lie my head on my pillow and relive those moments of her death but they are not nearly what it was a year ago. 

 

YOU WILL FEEL BETTER!  Time is what you will need to heal.  Come here often and let us know how you and your son are doing.  It is a difficult road, but there is healing at the end. 

 

Hugs!

 

 

 

[AT25]

Thank you forever remembered for your story. We made collages for her viewing which he wants hung up in his room, but he is unable to look at them right now. I also gave him a rosary because he wanted something of hers to remember her by. It's downstairs in a curio, because he isn't ready. He smiles and laughs more often, but still breaks down from time to time which is natural because they were so close.

 

What you're saying about how your brain processes the information sounds like what I'm going through. It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since she passed and I miss her unbelievably. I had dreams of the funeral and viewings the last few days so I have not been sleeping well. Sometimes I forget she's gone and for a second plan a visit to see her. The worst times I deal with are falling asleep, I think of what her last moments had to have been like (I received a call after she passed). I have regrets of things I didn't get to say. I feel exhausted each and every day from simply functioning in real life. Sometimes everything seems so pointless even though I know it is not.