Members lost&alone Posted January 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 People keep telling me how strong I am, I want to scream at them that I am not strong. I am scared, I am lonely, my heart is broken, and I don't know if I can go on. Yes I get up and go to work everyday, not because I want to but there are still bills to be paid. I would love to stay at home and cry and sleep whenever I want to, but that is not an option. Don't tell me I am strong and act like nothing happened! My husband, my best friend, the man I loved more than anything is gone, I am not strong, I am just facing reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted January 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 I can totally relate to this! I always wonder what would happen if I wasn't strong? Is that even a choice because I don't believe that it is! I wish sometimes people would keep thoughts like that to themselves. Maybe they think that hearing we are strong will help us in some way, however I feel like it only makes it worse! Hugs to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Karen.Lyn Posted January 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 I've heard the same thing. Those people never saw me at home with a mountain of used tissues, sobbing and begging god to take me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 It's almost funny that we have all experienced this. I HATE it when people tell me how strong I am. I REALLY hate it. But just this moment, maybe because I just finished reading a pretty good book about grief that was fairly religious based, a thought came to me. Maybe it is GOD speaking to us through those people. I mean, I don't WANT people to say that. I WANT people to see how weak I am and to just wrap me up in their arms and help me through this. But maybe God knows that those particular people who are saying that don't have the capacity to do that. To LOVE us the way that we need to be loved right now. So GOD is speaking to us through them and telling us that we are STRONG. And we will make it through this a different way. I'll tell you what, if we all lived near each other I would just call a big meeting and have us all get together to hold each other and allow us to cry and allow us to feel our agony and our grief. And maybe once we did that often enough, we WOULD start to feel strong. Most days, I don't feel strong at all. And I get SOOO very annoyed at my friends and family who don't recognize how weak and how frail I am right now. They want to joke about it or give me those shallow platitudes when all I want is for them to say. "Of course you aren't strong right now. You have suffered a horrible, terrible tragedy that would knock the strength out of anyone. What can I do to help you through it? How can I make you feel strong again?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lost&alone Posted January 19, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 backyarder, that is an interesting thought. Would you mind sharing the title of the book you read? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 the book is called "Finding the Good in Grief" by John F. Baggett. It refers to some bible quotes and talks about God a lot but even if you aren't religious, I think anyone going through grief can get something from it. I especially like the last three chapters which are titled: Acceptance, Calling and Affirmation. If you can't find it at your local library, there are used copies on Amazon.com starting at less than 50 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members obakesan Posted January 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 People keep telling me how strong I am, I want to scream at them that I am not strong. I am scared, I am lonely, my heart is broken, and I don't know if I can go on.I think they only say this because in some primitive part of their brain they are afraid of it being them. They feel that they would feel exactly as you described. The irony to me is that if you do exactly as you feel they tell you your not coping Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 A friend of mine and I were just talking about this and this if what went through my mind. I used to always say that I wouldn't be able to survive if Tom died. If I ever met a widow that thought would replay through my head. "I just don't think I could survive if it happened to me." Maybe that's what everyone else feels, too. So when they see us being functional, they think that we are being stronger than they think they would be in the same circumstances. When the truth is, we probably DO appear stronger than we ever thought we would be. We appear that way to the outside world. We never in a million years thought that we could withstand the loss of someone we loved so much and yet, so far, we are all surviving. So we are already being stronger than we ever thought we would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members frankly Posted January 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 19, 2014 I couldn't stand it any more, people telling me how strong I was, this is what I posted to them. How could anyone know or understand except the ones that have been is this same position. You are stronger than you know. You have to be strong. You are so strong.Just words. Things said when the person just doesn't know what to say. Wanting to offer comfort, encouragement, just not knowing how. I appreciate the fact that the people saying those words care about me. That they would love nothing more than to have "magical" words that would help ease the pain. There aren't any, and that is alright. Just knowing that they care is all that matters.But Strong? No, this isn't strength. It isn't and can't be. It is a matter of having a choice. A matter of survival, because you have to. You either live through it, or you die. That simple. Hell of a choice isn't it?Ironically, the one person who could help, that was my strength, that I could turn to and find comfort, is gone. I would equate it to having gone out into the ocean with him sailing the boat. Trusting him, knowing he knew what he was doing. Knowing I would be safe even though I feared the water. Then looking around and realizing that he's not on that boat any more and I don't know how to sail without him.Strong? No, that isn't what you see. What you see is panic and fear like a deer caught in headlights, frozen. I'm not in the water drowning, but I have no idea how to get back to solid ground. Just bobbing around desperately looking for any sign of him. Trying to figure out how to sail that boat back home without him. Not wanting to leave him behind, out there alone, but knowing others are waiting for me on shore who need me. Just have to find a way to get back to them. Alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 It's almost funny that we have all experienced this. I HATE it when people tell me how strong I am. I REALLY hate it. But just this moment, maybe because I just finished reading a pretty good book about grief that was fairly religious based, a thought came to me.Maybe it is GOD speaking to us through those people. I mean, I don't WANT people to say that. I WANT people to see how weak I am and to just wrap me up in their arms and help me through this. But maybe God knows that those particular people who are saying that don't have the capacity to do that. To LOVE us the way that we need to be loved right now. So GOD is speaking to us through them and telling us that we are STRONG. And we will make it through this a different way.I'll tell you what, if we all lived near each other I would just call a big meeting and have us all get together to hold each other and allow us to cry and allow us to feel our agony and our grief. And maybe once we did that often enough, we WOULD start to feel strong.Most days, I don't feel strong at all. And I get SOOO very annoyed at my friends and family who don't recognize how weak and how frail I am right now. They want to joke about it or give me those shallow platitudes when all I want is for them to say. "Of course you aren't strong right now. You have suffered a horrible, terrible tragedy that would knock the strength out of anyone. What can I do to help you through it? How can I make you feel strong again?"I think I need to take a trip to Florida! Do you live near the beach? LOL I would totally come out and help you out for a weekend, maybe go to the beach and do some talking! I need to get away from this state! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 That is really very beautiful, Frankly. Thanks for sharing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 A friend of mine and I were just talking about this and this if what went through my mind. I used to always say that I wouldn't be able to survive if Tom died. If I ever met a widow that thought would replay through my head. "I just don't think I could survive if it happened to me." Maybe that's what everyone else feels, too. So when they see us being functional, they think that we are being stronger than they think they would be in the same circumstances. When the truth is, we probably DO appear stronger than we ever thought we would be. We appear that way to the outside world. We never in a million years thought that we could withstand the loss of someone we loved so much and yet, so far, we are all surviving. So we are already being stronger than we ever thought we would be.You really laid that out well in words! I totally think that people are almost threatned by the fact that I am functioning and able to live life after all we have gone through. Maybe they wouldn't be able to do the same or be as strong? Who knows, I just know that their are plenty of times I do not want to be strong! I never ever thought this would be my life.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Exactly the words my friend said, AustyKatie. And the same thing I feel and probably most of us feel. I never, ever thought this would be my life. I thought I would grow old with my husband. I was forever fearful of losing him, but never really thought it would happen. And honestly never thought I would survive if it did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hahah. Yes AustyKatie, I'm pretty close to the beach. About 15 minutes about. But its kind of chilly here right now for the beach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Austykatie, if you come, let me know I'm only about 40 minutes away, and I know it would do me some good as well! Frankly, I really liked the comparison to the boat. It really makes sense to me. And thank you, backyarder, for your thoughts. I like the way you put it, and it is definitely food for thought. I've had the frustration about the "strong" comment myself. I hope you have a better week, by the way. I'm sorry last week was so tough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 My daughter in law tells me I am the strongest woman she knows. Ha!!! I know exactly what you ladies/gents are talking about. I used to tell my Jerry all the time that if something were to happen to him I would surely die too. And in saying that I didn't really think he would die!! And yes, it does feel like I'm in a boat all alone, afraid of the water. That is a great way of putting it Frankly. I feel like I'm using my hands to paddle the boat back to shore. I think we do appear to be very strong in others eyes because until you have lived this you have that mind set that if something happened to your mate you would die too. But we aren't that lucky, we don't get off that easy. Life goes on and it is sink or swim. It would be great if we could all get together!! I have a dear friend who lost her husband several years ago. He built an airplane with some other guys and when they did the test flight the plane blew up in the sky. Can you even imagine seeing that?? Anyway, she has been a part of a grief group all these years and she swears by it. I would love to have that opportunity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 We do things that we consider a baby step and someone else considers a giant step. "You're so strong"We do things that we consider a giant step and someone else considers a baby step. "You've got to get stronger"It's all perception. We need to be cautious about accepting or taking on someone else's perception as our truth. My giant step yesterday was meeting with a bereavement counselor. My sister's comment regarding that action was "I don't think you still need to talk to a counselor." I'm not sure what I would have done in a weaker moment, but yesterday I told her to go to hell. I'll create my own truth and plans of action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nammi_nammi Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 I haven't lost a human loved one, but I lost my home, all my pets, my LIFE in a house fire December 3rd, and reading through this I just had to comment because I've been hearing the same thing and am frustrated by it as well. Friends have told me I'm strong and they admire me, and I'm like, "No I'm not. I'm crying all the time and am an emotional wreck. I'm wracked with anxiety. I wake every morning with a sick, nervous stomach. I can't sleep. I'm having dreams about my cats that wake me up. I can't think..." If that is strong... I feel so weak. And just as has been said here, it's either you live or you die. Those are the only options. You stay here or you kill yourself. Which do you want to do?? I have a 9-year-old son, my husband, and my birds survived, so I have to stay, but it's only because I feel responsibilities here. All my joy is gone. This isn't my life now. I'm in a rental home for now. I have a new, strange routine. New things around me. It's like someone put me in a whole new movie. It'll be 7 weeks tonight - 8:45 PM... I like what you said in "Alone" - my in-laws have been telling me I don't need anymore cats, they would only be more trouble, maybe I could have one and only if fixed (I always fixed my cats - these people hardly even know me), and right now I feel it's the one thing that I need that would help me through this right now. I haven't been without a cat in my life since 4th grade, and I'm 42 now. What do they know, and who are they to tell me what I do and don't need, how many, or anything for that matter?? See a bereavement counselor if you feel the need. I'm thinking about it myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Good for you, Alone! You said what many of us feel but don't say. I have a friend who emails me every day to tell me how annoyed she gets at her husband. She'll start out by saying "I know you are going through one of the most difficult times in a person's life but let's talk about me now." And then she drones on and on about how her husband talks too much or sleeps too much or doesn't fix something around the house. I don't really want to tell her to go to hell but I sure wish I could make her realize what she is doing. Not just being insensitive to me, but also taking her loved ones for granted when we....all of us on this forum...would give anything for a few more minutes with our loved ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 nammi - First I'd like to offer my condolences on your losses. I can only imagine how you must feel after losing your precious pets. If anything like that happened to my dogs I know I would feel exactly the way you do. It doesn't matter if we lose a human or a pet, anything that we loved in a great magnitude is going to give us intense grief upon losing them. If it is any consolation I have been told that the soul leaves the physical body just before death. So your kitties felt no pain. And they are in "heaven" and you will see them again!! Our pets are really angels who accompany us in this physical life, helping us to keep our hearts open when it is difficult to love other people or ourselves. One only has to look into the eyes of their pet to know they have a soul. Go see a councilor. It can't hurt, it may just be the thing you need right now. And if you want to get a cat, get one!! Nobody can tell me what I can or can't have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Austykatie Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Good for you, Alone! You said what many of us feel but don't say. I have a friend who emails me every day to tell me how annoyed she gets at her husband. She'll start out by saying "I know you are going through one of the most difficult times in a person's life but let's talk about me now." And then she drones on and on about how her husband talks too much or sleeps too much or doesn't fix something around the house. I don't really want to tell her to go to hell but I sure wish I could make her realize what she is doing. Not just being insensitive to me, but also taking her loved ones for granted when we....all of us on this forum...would give anything for a few more minutes with our loved ones.That would so bother me! Part of the reason why I have taken so myself out of so many people's lives. I can not handle it when they complain about their spouse. I always say "you should feel lucky you have someone to complain about, maybe you should try and find the good in them!" I just cannot handle people doing that as I would give anything to have Jim back. My mom was doing that with my dad and I just couldn't listen to it anymore, therefore I hardly spend anytime around them anymore. I would just tell her to go to hell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nammi_nammi Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Thank you for the condolences HeyJude. It's been such a difficult day. Feel really overwhelmed. That's a really beautiful thought about pets being angels accompanying us. I know they were a great help in my life - just their comforting presence. I was always greeted in the morning when I woke up or came home from somewhere. I always checked in on them all (I had 10) before going to bed - did a head count. I'm certainly finding it difficult to love people right now, especially a sister-in-law in particular who sent me a message on facebook that totally devastated me Saturday. She called me a cat hoarder, told me my house was "nasty," and blamed vet trips for us being behind on our mortgage, which I didn't even know about but know can't be true because I paid for all the vet trips myself with money gifts I'd saved and money from things I sold til the last one 3 days before the fire for my little Tabs that had an ear infection. What I would do now to be in my "nasty" house surrounded by my cats again. I just gave Tabs her ear medicine 3 hours before the fire took her. I'll never get to hold her and cuddle her again like I did that last time giving her the medicine which she hated. I've come to the conclusion my SIL has no heart and want nothing more to do with her ever, and I feel myself pulling away from others, too, who just don't seem to understand - and yes, heard the "strong" comment again on another message board today and was even called "amazing." I'm sitting here wondering why I'm so "amazing" because I just get myself out of bed everyday. I'm definitely thinking about seeing a counselor. Just not sure how we'll pay for it as we have no medical insurance. I felt panic earlier thinking, what if I do get another cat and it has to go to the vet and I need the husband to pay the bill?? I'm a stay-at-home mom so have no income of my own. Our vet here is very reasonable and not real outrageous like I've heard other places are, but heaven forbid the sister-in-law catch wind of it. Evidently someone's been telling her stories anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted January 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 Oh God...forget about the SIL from hell!!! I don't know if we can cuss on this forum but she is a biatch!!! Some people just don't get the connection that some of us have with our animals. Animals are here for one thing...to teach us unconditional love. Be proud that you know that love from your pets. If someone doesn't know that love, they sure can't recognize it and they sure don't have it themselves!! You are going to grieve your babies for a long time sweetie. Counseling would probably help but I would definitely look around and see if you can find a support group especially for the loss of our fur babies. There has to be something out there!! I had an iguana for 20+ years. A female who I named Miss Piggy. She died this past summer and I grieved something fierce. That lizard was with me through some of the darkest moments of my life and I know without a doubt that if I didn't have her to care for I probably would have died. She was my heart. Now, not a lot of folks understand the connection with a reptile but that lizard had a personality just like any other pet and she loved me with all her heart. You have been blessed by the love of animals and therefore know how to love in return. Get yourself another kitty, go to a shelter and rescue one or two. You have to have somewhere to direct that love, ya know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted February 7, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2014 I was talking about this topic with my best friend today. She kept telling me how strong I am because I make myself go out of the house and do things. I told her that I don't really have a choice. If I stay home, I get so sad sometimes that I just feel like I want to die. So I HAVE to leave the house and be around other people and even then, I'm crying inside much of the time. I'm not really strong, but I do have a survival instinct. If I stayed at home and just focus on my sadness, I don't think I could survive. I certainly wouldn't want to. Maybe that is strength, but it doesn't feel like strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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