Monday vent

[terri251]

Sorry if this annoys, but some days I just need to vent and this is the only place I have for now to do it.  This weekend was hard, drank most of it but that did not help.  My daughter stayed with my cousin Saturday night because I was suppose to go out with a friend, but she ended up canceling, so I stayed home instead and just drank until I feel asleep.  I cried most of the night and woke up crying.  Stayed in bed most of the day and just felt so alone, scared, and tired.  I cried thinking about how much I missed Danny and how I let him down.  I really am so tired of crying but it is the only thing I can do at this point. 

I talked to an old friend last night, it is hard talking to him because I no longer trust myself and he is trying hsi best to be here for me.  I felt awful because I think I hurt hsi feelings, but I don't know how to explain that there is really very little he can do to take away my pain right now.  I guess at the end of the day maybe I do need space, but at the same time I feel like I might be pushing people away and that isn't necessarily good either.  To be honest I have no idea what I am doing.  I am just trying to cope and survive one day to the next.  I actually thought I was doing better, no crying most of last week, than Friday hit and all I do is cry when I am alone.  I am good at not crying when people are around and maybe that is part of the problem.  I am keeping everything bottled up and when I have alone time everything just explodes.  I don't know. 

 

Now it is Monday and I barely was able to get up to come to work, but I made it.  As I type this I realize I am hungry and I am kicking myself for getting a snack.  Well off to the snack room I go before it closes. 

 

Anyone who reads this, I apologize for rambling, I just needed to vent a little so I can try to have a decent day.  Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 

[terri251]

Oh yea forget to mention, I thought about going to see a medium, psychic, whatever you call them, so I could talk to Danny.  It is hard to make that decision because by doing so it would be a major part from the faith I was raised in.  I am so angry right now part of me doesn't care but the other part of me wonders if by doing this would I be go so far down a road that there is no return.  I don't know what I am going to do, I am just so desparate that everything sounds like a good idea.  I just wonder if by doing this would I be making things worse or better.  Will this person just tell me what I want to hear or will they really be able to contact my Danny for me.  Is it even possible.  I am amazed what I start to believe at this point and waht I am even willing to do.  I kind of feel like a part of me died when Danny died, and I am not sure who I am becoming.  Or is my grief just so overwhelming that it is clouding my thinking.  Ok now I really need to go get a snack.  Thanks for reading my nonsense.

[MissingDaniel]

Not nonsense at all.  I would have never thought in a million years that I would consider a medium before losing my husband, but I have since considered it many times.  The idea that they may be able to let me communicate with him is just so wonderful- I almost don't care if it's real or not, if I feel like it's real.  Maybe that in itself would offer comfort.

 

As far as hurting you friend's feelings, and pushing people away - that is probably one of the hardest parts of grief.  We need people around us, as being alone too much just makes the depression worse.  We need support and understanding.  But for most people, when they are around us, they can't help but try to "fix" things.  It's human nature.  And when they can't "fix" our pain, or we won't let them, they get frustrated, and many times it pushes them away.  It takes a true friend to sit with you and let you be sad, let you cry, let you talk about how you will neve be the same, nothing will be okay, and not argue with you.  And that's what most of us need.  I wish for you true friends that can be there for you and give you permission to be sad.

 

That being said, 9 months out, my good days now outweigh my bad days, and I never would have believed that could happen.  I'm still only a piece of what I was before, but I'm learning to be okay with that.  I hope today has been better for you than yesterday, and I hope time will bring the healing that you need.

[backyarder1]

Just as an FYI, I went to a lecture today by a local "medium". After the talk, he gave mini-readings where he went around the room and told each of us what he "saw". He was wrong on just about everyone. When he came to me, he didn't say anything about any deceased person being around me until the very end. And then he said he sensed my grandfather on my mother's side!! I don't even think I ever met the man. I think he died before I was born. He didn't say a word about my husband.

[HeyJude]

Let me tell you all something about mediums.  There are more phonies out there than there are really good ones so always keep that in mind.  Research before talking with one.  Also, you cannot go into a session thinking that you are going to hear from the person you are wanting to hear from.  Sometimes our loved ones, spouses, are not able to communicate from the other side yet.  It is a pretty busy place, the other side is, and newly departed souls have a lot to do and take care of first.  That is my belief.  Y'all are probably thinking I'm absolutely nuts!!  Anyway, you can go to a medium thinking you are definitely going to hook up with your spouse or boy/girlfriend and end up hearing from your great uncle Herbert.  Who comes through is who comes through.  And you are only going to get messages that are things you need to hear at that particular point in your life.  I was lucky, I heard from my husband and my sister-in-law my first time with a medium.  My husband and his sister passed 6 weeks apart and low and behold they are hanging out together over there!!  I have never been more comforted in my life and I truly believe that is when my healing started.  I know, without a doubt in my mind, that our departed loved ones are just a veil away from us.  And I believe that they can communicate with us.  I have had numerous signs from my husband since he's passed.  The other night I awoke to him saying my name over and over.  It is the first time I heard his voice since he passed.  He also had this crazy humming habit and he was doing that too.

 

As for my religion, I am a born again Christian and this stuff is taboo.  But I have gotten really into spirituality and can incorporate that into my Christian faith.  It all makes sense.

[terri251]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.  I do feel a little better today.  I miss Danny with everything I am but I have found myself smiling a little today.  Mainly because of things I have read posted on here, so reading comments here really do help. 

I am still looking for a medium, I don't know if I truly believe in it, but even if it was not real I think it will still bring me some peace of mind.  I never really thought about connecting with a different loved one who has passed away. Unfortunately I have many uncles and grandparents who have died, I can just imagine my grandmother yelling at me for wasting my money trying to contact them when I have a daughter to take care of  and than she would tell me to clean up the house its a mess (and yes she would say this if she was alive).

Well at least half of my day is over, in a couple of hours I can go pick up my daughter and rest.   Thanks again everyone.

[Austykatie]

I am sorry to hear you had a rough Monday! I have found that Monday's have been a bad day for myself also! Not sure if this helps but I left work, called a friend and sat in a gas station parking lot for 3 hours talking on the phone because I had myself in such an emotional state I couldn't drive!

 

Getting through every day is all you can do! You will have bad ones and good ones! Its acceptable, understandable and okay! Make sure your trying to take care of yourself like drinking water and eating as much as you can! I know when I don't do that I feel worse and it takes me a few days to recover!

 

It amazes me that I have came as far as I have..almost a year! You can do it! I remember thinking I couldn't!