Lost my dad at my wedding.

[Sehausle]

My husband and I were married in Mexico October 19, 2013. We decided on Mexico because we loved the beautiful beaches when we visited in 2012, and we thought it would be a fun vacation for our family and friends to enjoy in addition to witnessing us become husband and wife. The day came and went and was truly everything we had hoped it would be and more. Most of our friends returned home and it was just our parents and us for the remainder of the trip.

 

4 days after our wedding my husband and I decided to grab lunch overlooking the ocean (after we returned from a day-excursion). My mom happened to see us eating and came over to our table. She sounded a little panicky because my dad had went snorkeling with this guy (they had met him and his wife by the pool), and the guy returned while my dad had not. The guy mentioned that my dad wanted to stay out a little longer (which was so like him, always the last on the ski slope - he wanted to get the most out of every experience). I dismissed my mom and when my husband said "should we go help her?" I told him not to worry as my mom was probably just getting worked up for no reason at all. My mom asked for the on-site life guards to find my dad, they swam out to some people snorkeling in the distance and when they found it was not my dad they simply returned to her and said it wasn't him rather than keep on looking.

 

All of a sudden I noticed everyone on the beach standing-up and looking off in the distance to the right. I had a sick feeling in my heart and just started to run in that direction. I saw a man in the distance pulling someone out of the water .My husband ran after me (but my mom was not with us anymore at that point). My husband and I could not run fast enough so I had to stop to catch my breath ...a fact that adds to the guilt and feelings of "If-only" ... I threw my shoes off and kept running. My husband tried to pull me away as he saw it was my dad - and he was not breathing. We were amongst first to arrive.

 

Eventually my mom came running and we both had to push through people (my husband did not want us to see that) to kneel at his feet while they tried to resuscitate. It was a nightmare, this lady kept screaming "they are doing it wrong!!" and people kept yelling things in Spanish. She eventually took over  but  she eventually looked at us and said "I'm sorry...it's too late"...which made me angry and scared...it took away the hope I desperately wanted to hold on-to. It took  well over 40 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. They were not allowed on the beach and had to carry him to an access road where the ambulance was waiting. They brought him to Playa del Carmen Hospital which was 40 min away. The resort did not have the defibrillator. He was blue when they finally took him away on the stretcher. I think a part of me knew but did not want to believe he was already gone… it did not seem like it could be a possibility.

 

My husband, mom, and I were not allowed to go in the ambulance with him. We grabbed medication, ID's, clothes everything we could for him as fast as we could. We prayed so hard the entire way to the hospital. I have never prayed harder. We arrived and the doctor told us  that my dad had passed away. The Mexican autopsy said it was drowning then a brain aneurism from the influx of water and they noted that he did have an enlarged heart (but this did not cause him to die but maybe in the future would have).

 

We then immediately had to deal with the barrage of questions, paying the hospital bill a mere 10 min after they announced to us he had died, trying to get some answers when we did not speak more than a handful of words in Spanish. We had to stay in Mexico to get my dad taken care of and prepare for his body to be taken home. We had to deal with US consulate and Mexican Police.  Meanwhile my sister's were  home and had not heard about any of this so we had to tell all of our family members…which was gut-wrenching to say the least. Those few days in the hospital were hell. When the time came to return to the U.S it was a mix of so many feelings- it felt horrible to leave my dad in another country (he couldn't return until the following Saturday due to some regulations). I flew home with my mom to get the funeral taken care of.

 

It has now been nearly three months. I am 27, newly married and living 14 hours from my mom and sisters. My mom was so dependent on my dad in every way (she hasn't worked or even paid a bill in 20+ years). She isn't computer literate, and it's just been really really tough. I am constantly helping her with calling credit card companies, the bank, dealing with insurance etc. It is kind of a complete role reversal. She has a lot of trust issues especially with some of my siblings. She has a hard time viewing their genuine concern without suspicion. I know this has been really hard on us all.

 

 

I am trying so hard to feel like a whole person but I feel completely torn apart... I am struggling to understand how a person who was a certified diver and was wearing a safety-vest drowns. I compare myself and my feelings to a faucet. The moment I feel these real feelings of pain and grief is the moment it becomes so unbearable...so I really try to just numb it by not thinking about it. I can’t manage to put the faucet at half capacity at this point. I am also dealing with some feelings of guilt - because it was my wedding...and because I didn't immediately help my mom when she expressed her rightful concern...I know rationally I need to grieve and I shouldn't feel guilty as there is no way we could have known this was going to happen..but you can't help the way you feel. I am not sure if I can ever see the beauty of my marriage when I feel the pain of my dad's passing so overwhelmingly. I am curious what helped for others who have maybe had similar situations?

[ModKonnie]

Sehausle,

I a very sorry about the loss of your father, and in such a tragic way, too. I know you feel guilty, but it certainly isn't your fault. Your dad was certified and knew what he was doing, so there was nothing you really could have done.

One thing you can do is remember the joy your father felt as he witnessed your wedding ceremony and how much fun you all had together. I know there is pain mixed in, but he was happy during that whole trip.

Dealing with your feelings--crying like a faucet is good for you. You need to get your emotions out and not keep them bottled up. It helps with the healing process. It's just so okay to fall apart at times and then begin to pull yourself together. That's how grieving works.

How are your siblings and mom doing? Do you all talk about your loss? How is your husband with all of this?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Sehausle]

Sehausle,

I a very sorry about the loss of your father, and in such a tragic way, too. I know you feel guilty, but it certainly isn't your fault. Your dad was certified and knew what he was doing, so there was nothing you really could have done.

One thing you can do is remember the joy your father felt as he witnessed your wedding ceremony and how much fun you all had together. I know there is pain mixed in, but he was happy during that whole trip.

Dealing with your feelings--crying like a faucet is good for you. You need to get your emotions out and not keep them bottled up. It helps with the healing process. It's just so okay to fall apart at times and then begin to pull yourself together. That's how grieving works.

How are your siblings and mom doing? Do you all talk about your loss? How is your husband with all of this?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

I think it's just hard to think of someone who was a strong swimmer and wearing a life vest could drown at a beach with lifeguards...it just makes zero sense to me. I went to a support group last night and it was very draining - but I hope eventually it can get easier telling this story.

 

My mom and siblings are pretty heart broken too. We definitely talk about it, which is helpful. We made the mistake of not bringing it up during Thanksgiving and it was way too hard so we did during Christmas- we recognized we were all hurting and it really helped. My mom is prone to depression so I worry about her being alone in the house 24/7 (she doesn't work). I am trying to encourage her to seek counseling or even  do some volunteering when she is ready. My one sister lives about 3.5 hours away from her but has been regularly visiting (though staying with my other sister because my mom has some trust issues with her). My other sister has two kids- one that just left for the Marines Monday...so she has a difficult time getting over to mom's but she is trying to involve my mom in actvities regularly. At this point though my mom has snapped at both of them at different times so it's been up and down in terms of their relationship but at the moment things are up- so that's a relief.

 

My husband is very supportive.He works in the insurance industry so he's been very helpful with my mom. It's hard because I know he doesn't like to see me upset and he went through a lot of things with me as far as witnessing everything. It was hard seeing him cry in Mexico too at one point- I know he feels helpless. . I still though don't like to cry a lot in front of him. It sounds a little cold but I am just not a hugger especially when I cry (I turn read blotchy so I prefer to cry alone- I have since childhood) he is very affectionate -which I know many people would like, but for me it becomes a little overwhelming and makes me feel bad like I am making a big fuss (even though I do understand it is ok to do and natural). So to sum things up there are a lot of complicated feelings. I am usually such a happy person so I hate feeling so incredibly sad all of the time.