Lost my dad

[gypsy.woman93]

So my dad was diagnosed in April 2013 with terminal metastatic stomach cancer, and was given 6 months. My parents divorced when I was young because my dad was an alcoholic, and he kind of flaked out alot when I was growing up.

After I graduated I moved out of town for school, and tried to keep in contact with phone calls and visiting him when I would go home. When he was first diagnosed it was really difficult, but I think I was in shock because I seemed to be able to continue on with my life for the most part (I know that sounds a bit cold). He passed away in October 2013.

My mom decided to assist him in his palliative, and eventual hospice care. He decided to forgo the hospital, as they made him uncomfortable, and decided to stay at home. The last time I saw him when I visited, I made two trips up to visit him. The first time he was alert and coherent; he was even able to get out of bed and sit in the living room with me. The second time, however, he could only moan and he couldn't open his eyes. That was the last time I saw him. I don't know if he knew if I was there, or even if he knew who I was, and it haunts me. I have an image in my head of my dad when I was a child, tall, stocky, proud, and strong. But every time I try and see that man, I end up seeing the frail skeletal person who couldn't even hold his arms up at the end.

It's been three months, and for the first little bit I was sad, and I did cry and I had some trouble sleeping, but I could talk about what had happened, and I seemed to be doing relatively ok.

I don't have many close friends, most drifted away after high school because the majority of them decided to have babies and didn't have time for people who weren't. I do have two best friends, but one is in my hometown working full time, going to school full time, and has a boyfriend, and the other lives in the same place I do (we go to the same school) but she has more classes than I do, and is always busy. My boyfriend is uncomfortable talking about it with me because he's never had to deal with anything like this. He's also trying to get a job, and might have to move to another province for it, and didn't even bother to tell me about the interview until he was on his way to it when I thought he was on his way to my place for dinner (whole other kettle of fish). My best friend (the one from out of town) dropped everything and came down for one night as soon as she heard, just to make sure I was ok. I want to talk to my mom about it, she and I are very close, but she's going through her own grieving process...she lost the love of her life, and her best friend, and I know she would want me to talk to her, but I feel like I would only make her feel worse. My brother is only 16, and he's not very expressive, and doesn't really want to talk, although he does talk to me about it more than anyone else.

It's January now, and I feel like I'm drowning. I cry all the time, I don't sleep at night, and some days I just don't want to get out of bed. It's not in a depressed way, I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed unless it's for school (I'm currenly in college). It feels good to be able to put all of this somewhere, because I've tried talking to a counsellor, but it didn't feel very helpful at the moment. I think I might try again in a few months, but it just doesn't feel right right now. I don't feel suicidal, I want to live my life..I'm just not sure how to do it right now. I'm holding onto the fact that eventually it'll get easier, and that I'll be able to live my life without feeling this way.

 

[sarahjbe]

Hiya lovely

I lost my dad last week so I feel ur pain....maybe u didnt grieve an now its startin to come out? Ive cried every day since friday. That painful heart feels like its breaking in 2. I wasnt close to my dad either. Never thought I would cry if he died but im devastated. Think its sayin 'my dad has died' x

[gypsy.woman93]

Hey sarahjbe,

I feel like that's exactly it. It's weird how saying that he died can be so huge...I wonder if it's because you're having to give up any possibility of reconcilliation, and realizing that things never get to be resolved. It's difficult to talk about to anyone, cause they don't seem to understand that while we weren't close, it's still overwhelming and like you said, devastating.

Remember to do kind things for yourself, sarahjbe, and we're here if you need us.