23 years old, lost mom to cancer, so much regret

[huffep]

I am 23 years old (female) and my mom died of cancer in may, a week before my grandfather died and 3 weeks before my 23rd birthday. She originally had breast cancer and it spread to her brain 6 months before she passed away. 

 

She was a really wonderful person...not just because she was my mom but because she really was. If i had grown up with her we would have been best friends. I moved home from NYC when she received her stage 4 diagnosis and we had 2 wonderful years together even when she was sick. She never complained about anything and I cannot fathom having the strength, bravery, and positive attitude that she had. When it spread to her brain, however, she started to change. She got scared and angry that she was starting to lose the ability to be on her own, walk, and eventually even get out of bed. Watching this happen was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life and hopefully it's the worst thing I'll ever have to see. She started to snap at me and seem to enjoy other peoples' company more than mine. She wasn't as responsive to me when I would hang out with her and eventually she just wouldn't really even talk to me when I was at hospice. I've always used humor to deflect the feeling of sadness and I really just played hostess to everyone at the hospice when they came to visit. I just didn't want to feel sad so I pretended to be "fine". I think this really hurt her feelings because she thought i wasn't taking it seriously or something. I'm the only one she didn't really say "goodbye" or "i love you" too at the end and it still breaks my heart.

 

Ever since she died I feel like she died hating me. Everyone tells me that she loved me and that "wasn't her" but i can't remember anything but these last weeks. I wasn't even there the day she died, it's the only day I didn't go spend time at the hospice. I know this is a pretty specific situation, but if anyone has any advice for these feelings of intense regret or any similar feelings. I thought i would "feel her presence" or something around more or feel the love that I felt from her growing up, but I've spent the past 8 months feeling like she hates me or is mad at me and it won't go away. Please let me know if this is normal.

[sincerelysherry]

Dear huffep,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. You are so young and no matter what age, we are never ready to lose our Moms. It sounds like you are a very good daughter, so have no regrets. It's true, when cancer goes to the brain, your Mom was not acting as your Mom. Her mind had been altered. Your Mom I am sure did love you and was thankful that you were there the last few years of her life. Because you were so deeply loved by her, you were probably the hardest to say goodbye to, or perhaps she hoped she wouldn't have to say goodbye. But, you know she wasn't thinking clearly.

 

We all have regrets when we lose a loved one. My Mother killed herself last year by shooting herself and I had spent most of the day with her and never saw any signs of what she was about to do. We shopped, we ate lunch, we watched football, I took a nap on her couch and when I had to leave to go home, her last words were "I wish you wouldn't go." Almost 4 hours later, she died. Talk about feeling guilty. I have told myself over and over for a year, if only I had stayed longer, maybe she wouldn't have done this. But, in the notes she left behind for us, expressed that her health was failing, she was in pain a lot and she was just worn out and tired. My Dad has also died the year before and I think she missed him so much. Anyway, we all feel like I wished I had done this or that and maybe it could have changed the outcome.

 

I believe we each are created to accomplish a mission in life. Apparently, your Mom had completed her mission here. And now, yours must continue. You have gone through a great tragedy and it is shaping you and creating wisdom within you. You have found you are much stronger than you ever thought. Don't be hard on yourself because I am sure you did the very best you could.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God bless you and comfort you.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  Sharing about your moms and how much you loved them really tugs at my heart.  May God bless you both with comfort in knowing they are in a good place, in no pain, and you WILL meet again.

 

Cindy

[Trish91]

Dear Huffep,

 

I am really sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost mine a few weeks ago, three, to be exact, and I often feel guilty about not having been able to spend more time with her before that. You see, I moved overseas years ago, and although we spoke on Skype pretty every day, often for two or three hours, also took great holidays together and shared all our thoughts and secrets, I cannot help to think that I could have done a lot more.

 

My job seemed to consume all my life, and to relegate everything else, the really important stuff, my family and my own health, to second place. Not that they did not continue to mean the world to me, my mom and my family, it´s just that I somehow became obssessed with my work, and I guess I did so to compensate for the fact that my mom and family were living far away, as a way to distract my true feelings, to sort of fill a void.

 

Anyhow, at least I was able to spend the last three months of her life with her, looking after her, talking to her and showing her that I truly loved her. That doesn´t however mean that I was perfect, far from it, I was unaware of the seriousness of her condition till the last three weeks prior to her passing, and I wish I would have been a lot more caring and supportive than I was.

 

She also changed a lot because of her illness. She used to be great fun, and always super energetic and full of life, very patient, a great listener and a wonderful provider of advise and cousel, but in the end, she did not want to hear about anything that was somewhat difficult or problematic, and was no longer interested in listening to my silly stories and ´problems´ at work and in other respects, or to talk about serious issues anymore. She only wanted to rest, and the medicines she was on prevented her from being awake for too long and even gave her hallucinations, although she was still very much lucid, she was no longer the same.

 

I avoided further hearteache also, by pretending to be strong and in control, when I always broke down when on my own, and even quite a few times in front of her. She even apologised for being in that situation and making me suffer and for living me alone. I, on the other hand, kept saying how I could continue to live without her and that I wanted to trade places with her, and would have done so in a heartbeat. At the same time though, I could not manage to stay with her every single night, and I even arrived in hospital a bit late under her standards sometimes, and it was simply because I could not handle the pain and suffering that she was going through, or the reality that she was dying and would never be cured.

 

In fact, I also thought about it being over sooner rather than later, for me to be able to return to a more ´normal´ life. I feel so guilty now about my selfishness, I was only protecting myself from further pain, but now I cannot help but think about all the things that I could have done much better. At least I told her how much I loved her repeteadly and what a wonderful mother and person she´d been.

 

In the end though, during her last hours, it wasn´t me who she spoke with, in fact, she barely said anything to me, she was angry about the fact that I wanted her to wear her oxygen mask, and she kept taking it off and saying that she wanted to go and to be left alone to rest. I only wanted her not to suffer more than necessary, she´d suffered so much already due to that evil lung cancer that had plagued her body and destroyed her soul, I didn´t want to see her gasp for air too, I thought that was way too cruel.

 

I think during such awful situations, which are almost like nightmares, we become numb, we are in utter shock, and we try to protect ourselves as best as we can, it´s our own survival instinct. But it doesn´t mean that we did not love our moms deeply or that they didn´t love us equally, I think that their own pain and meds prevented them from being fully themselves, and they ultimately wanted first and foremost to stop the pain, a pain that became all consuming and the focus of their lives, but I am sure that your mom loved you very much till the very end, and still does, as do you.

 

My relatives have mentioned how highly she spoke of me even when I thought I´d let her down, so you need to believe that your mom never loved you less and that she wasn´t there anymore, not completely, that her soul was already going away, during those last few weeks of her life, and that she truly appreciated the fact that you were there with here at that time and during the last two years of her life.

 

I wish you the best, and my prayers and thoughts are with you. We all know what you are going through, and it´s normal, so please don´t beat yourself up. You´ve suffered too much already. You were a great daughter to your mom, and a very strong human being. You´re very young, and yet you have managed this tragedy as best as you have been able to.

 

This forum is great to vent and interact with others who are going through what you are going through.

 

Best regards,

 

Trish

[Anina]

Huffep, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I could relate to your story in a way as we're the same age. Of course, no two people ever grieve in the same way, but I felt close to you and to your story.

 

The only thing I feel entitled to say to you is that your mother didn't hate you. I think maybe the reason she didn't say goodbye to you was because she knew it would be the most difficult thing in the world. And you can't blame her, because they say nobody could ever describe the pain of a mother saying goodbye to her child. Her being detached from you, as a consequence, could have been her way of helping you "toughen up" as she knew the moment when she had to leave was getting closer and closer.

 

On the other hand, brain damage can have a significant impact on behavior so maybe she didn't mean to be distant at all. But her body was working against her.

 

Your mom was with you for 23 years, so embrace the memory of her, the whole picture, and not those last weeks. You could have been on a trip around the world and could have come back a day too late. Regardless, no matter what we do, we are never prepared for the death of a parent and it will always leave behind a pool of regrets. What I think would really help is think of the good things - the precious happy memories of your beloved mom. Instead of fearing she might have died hating you, close your eyes and relive your happiest memory with her. And remember that she was your mother, and she could NEVER have hated you.

 

I hope you will find strength and piece of mind.

[Bellabeauty]

I am so sorry for your loss... My mother to passed away the same way from the day she found out she passed 7weeks later... All she wanted was time and to live!!! She lost all her mobility and mind all I can say is at least you had hospice my family refused hospice oxygen pain killers everything and I watched my poor mother suffer and could do nothing because it happen so fast she had no will or paperwork of what she wanted just trusted my father and sister to take care of her and they failed her I am truly haunted for the rest of my life.. With brain cancer they are not there selves as I'm sure you slowly watched her deteriorate and become child like it is so sad and a horrible way to go but she loved you for she was your mother

[tctxxxxx]

My heart breaks for you. I lost my mother to cancer as well and I have a good friend who lost her mother to brain cancer. She has told me similar instances about her mother "snapping" at her or saying somewhat mean things. However, she went to a grief counselor and they said that is is VERY common in patients with brain cancer. From the way you described your mother, she does not sound like a hateful person. I feel horrible that you didn't get to hear her say "i love you" but I know that she did.

 

I'm 25. and my mom was 55 when she passed. My mom was under hospice care for months leading up to her death. They gave her 24 hours to live probably every day for 2-3 weeks. She was so strong. When I would leave her side or leave the house I felt so horrible but hospice nurses told me that sometimes people will pass when loved ones leave the room....sometimes they wait for you to leave. So please know that and know that your mom was probably waiting for you to leave and she wanted you to be happy and out living your life.

 

I struggle with not feeling my moms presence everyday. I begged her to come to me in dreams and she hasn't but only once or twice (still sick) in the dreams and they've been more like nightmares. I know that when I get past the anger and the pain she will make her presence know. Continue to ask for it and continue to reach out to others for help or whatever you might need.....it's the only way to break down that "wall of pain" that's keeping her out.