Members huffep Posted January 11, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 I am 23 years old (female) and my mom died of cancer in may, a week before my grandfather died and 3 weeks before my 23rd birthday. She originally had breast cancer and it spread to her brain 6 months before she passed away. She was a really wonderful person...not just because she was my mom but because she really was. If i had grown up with her we would have been best friends. I moved home from NYC when she received her stage 4 diagnosis and we had 2 wonderful years together even when she was sick. She never complained about anything and I cannot fathom having the strength, bravery, and positive attitude that she had. When it spread to her brain, however, she started to change. She got scared and angry that she was starting to lose the ability to be on her own, walk, and eventually even get out of bed. Watching this happen was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life and hopefully it's the worst thing I'll ever have to see. She started to snap at me and seem to enjoy other peoples' company more than mine. She wasn't as responsive to me when I would hang out with her and eventually she just wouldn't really even talk to me when I was at hospice. I've always used humor to deflect the feeling of sadness and I really just played hostess to everyone at the hospice when they came to visit. I just didn't want to feel sad so I pretended to be "fine". I think this really hurt her feelings because she thought i wasn't taking it seriously or something. I'm the only one she didn't really say "goodbye" or "i love you" too at the end and it still breaks my heart. Ever since she died I feel like she died hating me. Everyone tells me that she loved me and that "wasn't her" but i can't remember anything but these last weeks. I wasn't even there the day she died, it's the only day I didn't go spend time at the hospice. I know this is a pretty specific situation, but if anyone has any advice for these feelings of intense regret or any similar feelings. I thought i would "feel her presence" or something around more or feel the love that I felt from her growing up, but I've spent the past 8 months feeling like she hates me or is mad at me and it won't go away. Please let me know if this is normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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