It's been three years since I lost my mother;

[jberg]

I am not sure if this is the right place, I have been looking for online support groups for loss but this is the first time I've actually joined a website.

I will be turning 25 on January 11th, and my mother passed away 3 years ago, just before my 22nd birthday. It doesn't feel like it's been 3 years.

I won't go into too much detail, but I lost my mother abruptly to a stroke, we're assuming it was caused by a blood pressure medication she had just started. She was my best friend, I spoke with her every single day. I saw her take her last breath, I saw the blood drain from her face, I stood by her holding her hand until she stopped breathing.

After she passed I moved to New York (I am originally from California), moving so far away therefore ignoring the loss. I read about stages of grieving, but sometimes I feel like I haven't really gone through any of the stages.

I am upset and bitter. I try not to talk about my loss with others, as it seems to bring everyone down. Even my closest friends and family, it is a topic we hardly discuss.

My father is miserable, my brother is quiet and disturbed and now drinks heavily every chance he gets.

I feel like my tight knit family has fallen a part, and I don't know how to fix it.

I feel okay, but at the same time I feel like I could just snap or fall and crumble on the ground at any moment. I'm upset, I'm so angry and miss her so much.

25 just seems like an important birthday to me, and she's not here.

I just bought the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman, which seems pretty on point so far. Whenever I read it, though, I get upset and sad and angry.

I don't know how to deal with any of this. For those of you who have lost your mother, you understand and I need not explain my feelings of emptiness.

Sometimes I feel totally alone, because this burden I carry is so heavy and I can't share it, and wouldn't want to if I could.

I don't know what exactly I'm asking for here, but I need help. Suggestions, anything.

xo

[deefrap]

I am so sorry for your loss, its been a year and a half since my father passed and I can relate to what you are feeling. While its my Dad, I experience the feelings you describe. I am willing to listen if ever you need to talk, my daughter is 23 and I cannot imagine how she would be able to cope.

[marissap]

I lost my mother to breast cancer 6 years ago, I know what your going through ad have felt your pain, it definitely doesn't get any easier but believe me it may seem impossible but you will learn to cope in your own way. I miss my mom everyday but it cannot act as a burden on your life and your future, we all have to keep going no matter how difficult it is. Just never give up hope and have faith. Find some hobbies that you enjoy doing, things to keep you busy and active, and most importantly go out and have fun with your friends, it helps alot!

Hoping you find peace soon.

-Marissa P.

[Trish91]

Hi Jberg,

I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my mom nearly three weeks ago this coming Tuesday, and I know that I will never fully overcome this tragedy, only that I will learn to live with it eventually, although that seems really far away right now, when the pain feels so raw.

I think you did the right thing by joining this community, to which we all sadly belong. It is a place to vent, chat and show some of those emotions which you have somehow bottled up for three years, without being judged or misunderstood.

Everbody has got a different way to grieve, some people cry a lot, some people drink a lot, some people travel and move somewhere else, some people marry and have children quickly, some people write, etc, whatever is right for everybody, so do not judge yourself because of how you have dealt with the loss, just do what you feel like doing at any given time: be angry, frustrated, sad and bitter whenever those feelings arise, experience them thoroughly so that you continue to move forward through this very tough process, probably the toughest in one´s life, the loss of a loved one.

Talking does help a lot though, but it´s important who to talk to, and it´s best to do so with people who understand what you are going through. Of course, talking to loved ones and friends does help too, and I do a lot of that myself (for instance, my husband is of great help, he´s been the greatest support so far, and so have some of my friends), but it is really hard to guide and assist properly when one has no training or hasn´t experienced a similar loss, which is why I think it´s important to find grief support groups where you can meet face to face and express your feelings and thoughts, or a grief counselor. I know I will do this as soon as I can.

My mom also passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, from lung cancer that went completely undetected, and she also was my very best friend, my whole world, my soul mate, if one can say that about a parent. We also talked every single day, and I think about her and cry every single day. The void within me is so big. Therefore, I can totally relate to how you feel, even though I am a few years older than you and at a different stage of life.

If you wish to talk, here I am in this community, in case you wish to exchange any thoughts or let off steam.

Warm regards,

Trish

[Trish91]

I should have also mentioned that I was with my mom when she died, I saw her catch her last breath, after breathing with so much difficulty for a few hours. I told her I loved her over and over, although I don´t know if she was able to hear me or understand me, as I think she was so caught up on her suffering and pain that all she wanted was to rest. In any case, I told her how much I loved her before she got to that stage, and throughout our lives, but seeing her die was the most traumatic thing that I have ever experienced. In fact, I get very emotional every time that I think about it, as I was in real shock when it happened, and I couldn´t cry then, but a few days later it has all come back and it´s really traumatic.

Furthermore, my father is also shattered, and so is my brother, but it´s really hard for them to express their emotions to me or to listen to me when I need to cry or express mine. They love me, but it´s really hard to communicate under the circumstances.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that all our stories are more similar than we think, and although I´m not 25 (a very important age no doubt, and no doubt your mom is with you in spirit and really proud of you reaching this milestone), I´m in my 30s, I still relate to how you feel, and feel your pain.

Take care,

xo