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Really FREAKING out!


azsummer2003

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azsummer2003

Hey all,

I'm sorry that I have not been on lately, but as most of you know, I have been in the process of moving from Arizona to PA! 

Well, I'm here in Pittsburgh, PA, closer to family in Buffalo, NY.  I'm totally freaking out.

Taylor died the same week we moved from AZ to PA nearly 3 years ago.  Brooke and I moved BACK to AZ after 6 months of sheer hell here in the house that Taylor never saw in PA. Well, she graduated and now we are back in PA.

The past two and a half years have been so difficult for me. All alone in AZ without friends and family around. Brooke had friends, but they were pretty snobby and mean. Unbelieveably (sic) she misses her friends, and I understand it, but I just wish she got how hard it's been on her dad and I. 

This is such an adjustment period for my husband and I.  We are like two ships passing in the night. It's like living with a stranger, like I'm in an arranged marriage.  Talk about stress.  And the fact that this house and location brings back such horrible memories for Brooke is a crushing weight for me to bear. You see, it was I who wanted to move from AZ back to the east coast to be closer to family. Both my husband and my daughter blame me for Taylor's death. If I hadn't of wanted to move back, perhaps Taylor would still be alive.  Have they spoken those exact words? Of course not, but their actions and feelings speak volumes.  It's a difficult cross for me to bear.  I'm not holding on too tightly at this moment.

I know you women understand....

So, in two days it will be Taylor's third year of not being with us. Unfortunately, my son and I were close and my daughter and I are not.  I am so lonely.  I feel so hated at this moment.... I feel so alone in my pain, but I know you all understand what I mean. 

Later today I have to take Brooke and her boyfriend (who flew in from AZ and is staying with us) to an amusement park and pretend everything is fine and dandy.  She hates it here so much, I understand - so I say nothing when she says how much she dislikes being here.  Inside, I feel as though a knife is digging deeper into my heart.

We are going to go into debt (like so many other families) to send her to the only school that didn't offer her a scholarship and costs the most.... University of Miami.  50 g's a year. This is how desperate we are to please her. We can afford it by taking out loans, but it will definately be pushing the envelope for us.  I wish she'd had chosen Penn instead, but she just wants to get as far away from PA as possible.  I've not only lost my son, but I lost my daughter too. I no other children left to lean on.  I can't believe that with all my good intentions of trying to move back toward family (which we have always been close to. My husbands side and my side are all close) would splinter our family so far apart I doubt there is ever any way of it coming back together.

And I miss Taylor.  My sweet, sweet boy who always showed respect for me and always included me in his life.  I know girls are different than boys, but it hurts so much knowing my daughter resents me so.  And knowing the child I was closest to I will never again see in this lifetime.

With my Chron's disease, my  body is completely out of whack. I put on a brave face and grudge forward, but every step is excruciating.  I know I will survive these next fews days and that after his "date" has passed, the heavy emotions will lift.  But I'm almost more upset about losing Brooke this year as I am about missing Taylor.

Anway, as always, please light a candle on Taylor's site and hold my hand because I fear this is going to be a bumpy ride.  Thanks with love.

Lori

www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

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