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My Mike


luvumicheal

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luvumicheal

It has been 71/2 months since my 25 year old son took his life....and yet it seems like yesterday...I cannot sit and ponder because of the vivid flashbacks of the day it took place..11/2/2007...To every parent that has endured a suicide...Walk with me..please..You are not alone...I miss my mike everyday, every morning when I wake up....I feel so sad at the fact that I have to think about him as a memory...=O(....I stiil hear him...I see him in my mind all the time....and wonder...Where was god and why?

jackie..heartbroken mom

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Luvumichael,    Its been 7 months since my 17 year old son died by suicide... It has been the single most worst tragedy, that I have ever been a part of. I thought I was tough, a survivor. Now I know what its like to just hang on too life, trying not to fall off. When I think of it, which I do 100 times a day. Its like it just happened. All Ive learned that helps is to breath deep, enjoy the moment if at all possible, and be yourself. I hope the best for you. I feel your pain.   Neveragain

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I am so sorry for the death of your precious son, Mike. I am just so sorry. The world most certainly stops for bereaved parents; this is the worst. it just is. Thinking of you and sending hopes for some peace to come to your heart.

Peace,

Caitsmom

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Jackie - your pain is as raw as it was when I first read your posts 7 1/2 months ago.  It truly is a hard journey made harder for you by the vivid memories of that day.

I hope that in the time since you last posted you have found some support be it professional or otherwise.  How are the rest of your family doing??

It has been 18 months since my Micheal died.  The rawness has eased, but remains just below the surface catching me off guard at the strangest moments.

I am believe in my heart my Micheal is around me......not able to answer the whys whatifs and if onlys, but to let me know that its okay....okay to feel the way I do, okay to go on living, even though it is one of the hardest parts of this journey.

Please be kind to yourself......rest when you can, write when you are able.

Take Care - Trudi

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no40corysmom

luvumichael, I too feel your pain........My Cory left us the same way, 2 months ago yesterday........I hate that the rest of my life will be with this pain.......my comfort lies in that I know that now, his huge heart which loved everybody unconditionally, now receives back that same love....knowing that my God has my son.....gives me a sense of peace.....even while I miss him horribly.

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luvumicheal

Never Again: Our tragedies are so close yet so far....we're at the same place in sorrow....I know you feel what I feel...I am sorry for the loss of your 17 year old son....I do breathe deep , each and every day...and hope that he is also in gods arms....and hope that this decision he made was what he wanted to be more at peace mentally and physically....thank you for your reply to my post

Caits Mom:I believe I've read some of your postings...your daughter? Yes you are right..Although we must keep living...our worlds have been altered in a way I could nev er explain....I wonder and wonder all day...why why why...why me....and what else? eternal pain...my heart still hurts soooo..thank you caitsmom...In my thoughts and prayers....

Trudi: Hello trudi...yes my pain is still raw...although sometimes I try to keep myself numb...shy away from bad thoughs, or rather sad thoughts....Yes I've been going to a physcologist..and on lunesta for sleep..otherwise all I will get is 2 hours of sleep...and I'm up wandering around my house...just thinking...sometimes I think I'm gonna go crazy...I thank all of you so much for your replies...Everyone of these replies has something i common  with what I've been feeling and going through... My twin daughters seem to be taking it well...sometimes they talk about my son as if he's still here....Upsets me for the moment....Everyone has somewhat gotten over it...not me..I'm still sad...happy one moment..then I think...but mikes not here...hurts...Thankyou trudi for your reply...I think of you all the time...you were the first person I spoke with after this horrible tragedy happened..you gave me alot of comforting words...Than k you..jackie

No40corysmom: Hello...I am sorry for your loss..Im sure your pain is raw right now...all the why's , if only, and what ifs?...I'm still there...I can tell you as a bereaving parent for 8 months tomorrow 7/2...have faith...you have to have faith...He's in a better place away from  whatever pain he was in this horrible world...until we see them again ..because we will....and hang on...be stron g..(even thouggh it might sound cliche and your probably sick of hearing it...but it's the truth..you have to be strong...for yourself and for your other children(if any)...thANK YOU..THINKING OF YOU =O(..HANG ON

 

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neveragain

Luvumichael,  Thank you... I guess a little hope and a shade of gray is all we can do now. Ive met survivors who have gone far in their recovery but, painfully notice that they break down still... Ive tried talking to people that dont understand. I cant say that Ill always understand you, but can say that Ill always know where your coming from. My son killed himself and the family that loved him, yet I know he didnt mean it...I love him... he was a good son. Im not used to opening up to people and kinda of have anger management issues. Im learning. Neveragain

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Hi All, my daughter died almost 5 years ago. Her death was not by suicide, but the result of being hit by a train at a broken crossing. My goal in posting here is to let you know that while I do not know the pain you are experiencing as far as suicide goes, I do know the pain of losing a child. Eri would be 24 now and i miss her each day...know however, that the days do get better, not for a while but eventually. As far as breaking down, I still do at times when I least expect it and sometimes I know it is going to be a break-down-kind-of-day. There is nothing wrong with breaking down, it is actually a way to stay as strong as you can. It is your spirit's reaction to the pressure of loss, the pressure of trying to still live in the world where your child is no longer. Breaking down is not a sign of weakness, it is the reaction to the worst loss in the world, our children.

I wish you never ahd toknow so great a pain as this loss, but because you do, I am glad that you found your way here, a place to realize that even in the wee hours of the night, you are not alone. It gets tricky as you head through the first year and very edgy at times through the second year, but there is still good in the world, I swear. If you have other children they may need to talk with a professional. WE have something called RAINBOWS at our school, (I teach elementary), and if they are young this is one way to get them in a group with the school social worker...but private therapy or family therapy may be a great way to help everyone in the family feel united in something. I will send prayers that you all feel the love of your children, they smile on you and love you from a new place.

God Bless,

Dee

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neveragain

Ericasmom,   Sorry for the loss of your daughter. Thanks for reaching out. This suicide thing really leaves a person to their own inventions. It is the unholy death that drags the world into the grave with the lost loved one. This thread took some guts just to start up her with the other grieving parents... instead of being kept away in the suicide forum. Yes it really is that hard... I wish to say to all greiving parents that have lost a child to suicide that, you are not alone... and also to all parents that have lost a child, Im so sorry, its so tragic and heartbreaking.  Neveragain

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I can only imagine Neveragain, that what you said is what most parents of kids  lost to suicide, feel. What a great and unyeilding pain for you all. I am so sorry for the unanswered questions you have and for the way this loss takes you all to the depths of despair. If I could help God knows I would. Have most of you taken steps toward therapy? Is there anything we parents here can do to help?

My thoughts and prayers,

Dee

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I think the loss of a child no matter how that loss occured is an assault on every part of our being.

The why's, whatifs, why them, what did I miss, why didn't I know always haunt our thinking none moreso than when a child takes their own life.

Jackies early posts hit a chord with me.  Her boy, Micheal (same spelling as my Mike) had taken his own life.  She struggled with the idea she missed something or that there might have been something within her power that might have changed the outcome.  Society has difficulty dealing with death at the best of times...suicide even moreso.

How is irrevelant.....gone is eternal.....the pain, tears and need to openly grieve something we all know only too well.  Here is the one place that understands the loss. 

As always Jackie, thoughts are with you as you struggle without Micheal - Trudi

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luvumicheal

Neveragain..for some reason I've been feeling more and more depressed..could be the fact that micheals birthday is right around the corner july 25..he would of been 26...I miss his calls...right around now he'd be calling me asking for his gift....My boy my son I miss him more and more everyday....I feel as you do ...I guess he did'nt mean to do it...Maybe on impulse...???..theres the questions again...1 of many...I feel as  I'm falling....confused..and cant think straight....I'm sorry..Im not making it better ....neveragain ..you are in my thoughts and prayers....

I just wanted to say one more thing...Its I would say sort of spritual to me....a part of me is somewhat at ease with one of my most important thoughts....and question...Is there an afterlife?

I would say 2 weeks after my son passed..I had quite a few spiritual dreams..I call them spiritual because in these perticular dreams...I actually feel as if I'm being visited....oppose to my regular dreams...2 of the dreams were very very vivid...with my aunt (who is still alive) and my grandma(my aunts mom)..In the 1st dream I'm waiting for an elevator in a basement and I saw my grandma sitting with a strange face..I mean not smiling or nothing just looking ahead and holding on to her purse..When the elevator door opened..there was my aunt..and a few other members of my family who are deceased..The second dream.. I visited my aunts house.. As I looked in her kitchen there was my grandma again..same face..and there was my aunt conversating with her... In both dreams I woke up feeling really really strange...I actually called my brother and told him about the dream and how I felt..I felt like my grandma was saying..I'm here and I'm deceased ..and I'm coming to pick my daughter up....really really weird....well my aunt is 49 years old ..always been very healthy....She developed cancer..OUT OF NO WHERE!!! ..and it has spread to her pancreas, lungs and liver......I guess there is an afterlife and my grandma let me know....

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no40corysmom

There is an afterlife.......and my faith is my refuge.  I know that Cory is no longer being hurt .......and that he is receiving the same unconditional love that he gave, but could not get back on this earth.......

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I am a believer, have been long before Eri left us, but believe fully in the dreams and the signs.

I am grateful for them all.

Dee

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no40corysmom

That is an area that is new for me as a believer.....they can be tricky to discern.  I used to think all signs were of a demonic nature meant to deceive.......but now I no longer believe that.  Having said that, one must be certain of the "fruit" of these signs........if they bring fear or uncertainty, questions -- they are demonic.  If they speak to our heart and our spirit -- then i believe God in his mercy sends them for our comfort.

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Luvumichael,   My sons 18th birthday is next week. Its always one thing after another, this never gets better. I dont think they mean it...Just a very dark time for them... I was walking through the house a few weeks ago and just as I got to the sliding glass door; I reached for the handle to open it, all the time moving quickly...I looked at the reflection, and it was my son and not me. I remember looking deep into his eyes and recognizing his smile and face. It was the closest I have come to seeing him again. I hope to someday dream about him as he was; you know one of those fond memory dreams. It hasnt happened yet... After life or not, one thing is certain. There is Life and there is death. Its all so sad, I think about him every day. I loved him.  Neveragain

No40corysmom,  Im sorry your son has died. You must be so hurt by this. How tragic an end for such a beautiful boy. My boy was also a wonderful son, and what happened seemed demonic. We couldnt believe it. How could the most horrible thing imaginable happen, without anyone even knowing? The shock of it all is horrifying.  Neveragain

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I have always believed that the energy from each of us here, continues long after the physical has given in.  its the communication that changes.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross likens this process of dying to that of the butterfly.  Once the cocoon is no longer viable, the butterfly emerges. The communication also changes.  She likens this to the dog whistle that gains the attention of dogs for miles, yet is unheard by the human ear.......listen

I don't look for signs of Micheals, but his energy finds me many times over.  I understand we have been given free will......to this end, my heart and mind are at one with the idea that my sons physical cocoon had served its purpose, his energy however continues on......Take Care -  Trudi   

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Mikesmum,      I often wondered if its true what I heard about water. The data showed that only so much water exsist on our planet and even though it is constanatly changing form, its quantitiy or capacity, is fixed to what there is of it. The water around us is very very old. People are made of mostly water. Recycled water that has no doubt been around the world. What I understand about this means that people may not live long, but the things that make us alive live much longer. We are part of it all.  Neveragain

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